Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sicker
by Araloth the Random
Summary: The Bane of Legolas, a Sue with Maia powers able to mangle Shakespeare beyond recognition, proclaims herself Queen of Rivendell. What happens when Legolas gets married and Sauron gets involved? Total madness ensues. . .
1. Beginnings

A few notes from the authoress:

I have edited this a little so that it can be read as a separate story from its sort-of prequel!

Considering that I came up with the idea when I was bored out of my brains during biology, Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sick actually turned out better than I thought. So I decided to write a sequel, despite the fact that I'm swamped in SACs and I don't seem to have the time anymore to drift off into other realms, where, thankfully, biology doesn't exist.

I recommend reading (and reviewing – it won't take long! =D) Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sick before reading this one, but it's not entirely necessary. It's probably a good idea if you do, though.

Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sicker continues a little episode in the life of Legolas Thranduillion, in which he meets a rather unusual Sue, who describes herself as 'half Elf, half Man, half Maia and half Dragon'. Whereupon the Prince of Mirkwood, having had enough of stalkers, decides to dispose of the creature. Said Sue's creator is a little miffed, and that's where our story begins.

Disclaimer: I don't own Middle-Earth or any of Tolkien's creations – it makes sense that I wouldn't be writing fanfiction if I did.

OoO

Miss Mary Suethor sat in front of the screen in a state of utter shock as she watched her perfect world fall about her and the blond-haired Elf walking away whistling happily to himself. Sue Marie had been perfect in every way, with her wonderful voice and golden tresses, brutally stabbed by the one person that she was destined to be loved by forever. The Suethor's facial expression contorted into one of rage as she brought her fist down onto the computer desk with a resounding crash. How _dare_ Legolas kill Sue Marie? They were perfect for each other, as Mary Suethor knew well, and had she been allowed to live they would have walked the strands of Eldamar in the West unhindered by the troubles of Middle-Earth (Miss Mary forgetting, of course, that Sue Marie was mortal – but surely the Valar would make concessions for her?). Hadn't Legolas seen what he was missing by killing what would have been the love of his life? She ground her teeth angrily.

A few moments of cogitation suddenly produced a manic grin on Miss Mary's face, as she had all of a sudden realised something. Her face lit up. Of course! She cracked her fingers and smiled gleefully at her own cleverness and originality.

Because what could be better than a self-insert?

OoO

_She's not going to like this,_ thought Elrond's messenger with more than just a little anxiety as he hurried down the numerous corridors. Why on Arda had he, of all people, been sent to summon her? Apprehensively he knocked at the door and awaited an answer.

"Come in," came a muffled response.

Timidly Elenir stepped inside and, closing the door quietly, surveyed the room. Bows, crossbows, swords, knives and even a mace adorned the walls below which a seated figure with her muddy boots on the desk darkly ruminated. The look of annoyance at being disturbed was replaced with a smile when she saw who it was.

"Elenir," she exclaimed cheerfully to her childhood friend. She had thought maybe it was one of those hobbits bursting in through the wrong door again. Rivendell always housed the strangest people – this latest group however had to be the strangest of the lot. Master Elrond had christened it proudly 'The Fellowship of the Ring', although there was the potential for major clashes to ensue from such a fellowship. Four hobbits, two Men, a Wizard, an Elf and a Dwarf. She had chuckled when she'd heard about it. It _was_ a strange bunch. Still, as annoying as having random hobbits bursting into her domain she could not bring herself to do so much as give them a withering stare. . .they were kind of cute, she had to admit. . .

"Argileth," he said nervously, terrified of breaking her good mood. "I was wondering –"

"Gimli and Legolas seem to have it in for each other," interrupted Argileth thoughtfully. "What do you think about sending an Elf and a Dwarf together on the same mission?"

"Well – "

"Because I think it would be rather amusing to watch. I'd like to see it happen."

"I think you might be," he muttered.

"What was that?" Elenir realized that he'd been thinking aloud again and inwardly cursed.

"Master Elrond requests that you see him right now, as a matter of urgency," he said quickly. Argileth frowned. Elrond had not summoned her on matters of urgency for some time – it must have been something important indeed.

"May I ask why?" she inquired, puzzled. Elenir felt his palms sweat.

"I don't know," he replied, although he knew quite well exactly what it was. All Udun was going to break loose once she found out.

OoO

"You want me to _what_?" sputtered Argileth.

Elrond's hand supported his head as he felt a migraine coming on. He knew this would happen.

"You must, Argileth, for the good of the Fellowship and for the preservation of the Professor's timeless classic," he replied wearily.

"I mean no offence to you, my Lord," she said in an attempt to regain her composure, "But I suppose that preserving the timeless classic means sending a woman on the Quest? I seem to recall that there were only _nine_ members of the Fellowship and that they were all. . .what do those Creatures call them? Oh yes – 'guys', I believe."

"DO NOT remind me of those despicable beings!" snapped Elrond crossly. He took a deep breath before continuing. "You must go.

"That goes against canon," retorted Argileth peevishly.

Elrond groaned. True as that was, he could not take any risks this time round. It always took far too long to clean up Middle-Earth after all these so-called fanfics flooded in and trashed the Professor's creation with those _Creatures_. What puzzled Elrond was that the Creature he had seen seemed to have been in Middle-Earth before. But you couldn't trust foresight – it could be wrong. In any case this time he would forestall the impending disaster, of which he had witnessed many before, even if it meant sending Argileth along. He glanced at the figure in front of him, who glared back obstinately, her hand resting on the hilt of her dagger. Dressed in leggings and a short tunic with dagger at her side she didn't even look like a typical elleth. . .maybe the Professor would let him get away with it.

"I'm not going," she said obstinately. Elrond stood up in annoyance.

"You will," he said imperatively, "Unless you want all of Rivendell to be overrun with those foul creatures. That's an order."

Argileth had no choice. "Yes, Master Elrond," she sighed resignedly, knowing exactly what he meant by 'foul creatures'. Elrond looked satisfied at last.

"Good," he said. "Now you may go." She bowed before leaving, cursing under her breath as she walked away, feeling anything but _good_.

A whole bottle of miruvodka later Argileth had emerged from her room and wandered into the garden to find the members of the Fellowship standing there, having apparently already heard the news. Boromir looked incredulous, Aragorn surprised, Gandalf pensive, Frodo tired, Sam hungry and the other two hobbits grinning as if the whole matter were some hilarious joke.

"You're coming with us?" laughed Boromir scornfully. Argileth rolled her eyes. Misogynistic fool.

"Yes. As a matter of fact, I am, and on the orders of Master Elrond."

Legolas glanced at the elleth in Elven male attire, dressed almost like he was.

"So," he said casually. "Did Master Elrond specify his reasons for wanting your attendance on our. . .excursion?"

"Yes," she snapped, the air with which he put this question annoying her. "And if you remember anything at all about your past experiences with certain _creatures_ you would do well to keep quiet." Why on Arda did those foul creatures go after Legolas, anyway? He was so, so – irritating. Good-looking, but immensely irritating. Aragorn then stood forward for his turn to speak, not visibly quailing under Argileth's narrowed eyes.

"If we really must take a woman along on the Quest," he began, "I would prefer it to be Arwen." At this the hobbits giggled.

"Tough," said Argileth flatly. "Try persuading Arwen to wear green leggings and wander around in the wilderness for the next year or so and I'll crown you King of Gondor myself."

Aragorn's jaw dropped, not used to having an elleth speak to him like that. He confessed that he had had some misgivings when Elrond had told them all that he was sending her along with the Fellowship. Boromir had snorted, saying since when did _they_ need protection from an elleth? But Elrond must have foreseen a great danger ahead or he would not have done what he did. Elrond was well-known as the strictest adherent to canon, especially when it came to what sort of people comprised the Fellowship. "Nine Walkers! NINE! Not ten, not eleven, and they are all men! Arrgh!"

Elrond and the Elves of Rivendell were gathered outside to bid the Fellowship farewell. Argileth bid Elenir an affectionate farewell by saying to him in an undertone,

"If I survive this and return to Rivendell, I'm going to kill you."

"Me? Why?"

"Because you ruined my day. Goodbye."

The journey was slightly delayed by Aragorn and Arwen's outburst of emotions at the gate but seeing Argileth glare at him after half an hour's worth of mushy outpourings Aragorn was forced at last to tear himself away from his beloved elleth. Another half an hour later saw Pippin and Merry fighting over a mushroom on the side of the road.

"It's mine!" yelled Merry.

"No, it's mine! I haven't had my second breakfast yet!"

Argileth groaned. This was going to be a long journey.

OoO

_17__th__ May 2010: Over the weekend I spent over an hour trying to put in paragraph breaks after FFN deleted all my asterisks the other day. So, if you still find paragraph breaks missing, please do tell me so I can fix it! Thank you. :)_


	2. The Mission Quest Thing

Thanks for all your reviews! I had some problems uploading last week, sorry about that. Yes, miruvodka© is my own invention. I wonder what that would taste like. . . anyway, here' s another chapter. Don't forget to review! =]

OoO

Somewhere in Valinor, in a high ivory tower, sat Melodiel, watching the charming proceedings through her trusty palantir. She had not been to Middle-Earth yet for the existence of this tower – someone beyond the power of the Valar had resurrected her from the Halls of Mandos but as soon as she emerged from said Halls those meanies locked her in some obscure corner of Valinor where she couldn't wreak havoc on the world. Really, they were only a bunch of boring, rather melancholy gods whose idea of fun was sitting about in the Ring of Doom and eating pizza. They never let her stay up late or lyk, use the internet – they were lyk so _meen_! Thinking about her lonely pizza-deprived existence caused her large blue eyes to brim over with tears. Her life was so terrible and everybody hated her! Well, everyone, that is, except – Melodiel stopped the waterworks and glanced back at her palantir before hitting on a bright plan. Seeing the Fellowship struggling out in the wilderness she packed her things – her glittery pink sword Narsilmaril (forged from the shards of Glamsting), The Other Ring to Rule the Rest of Them, and her trusty palantir, of course – and with the power of her Ring sailed away over the Great Sea in pursuit of her new husbandeth.

OoO

The stars shone piercingly bright and clear over the dark landscape of Eregion, where a small fire burnt surrounded by the sleeping members of the Fellowship and, of course, their amiable extra member, who happened to be taking the midnight watch. Argileth had successfully demonstrated in a reasonably short period of time that she was not one to be messed around with, elleth or no. Boromir had overslept one morning after they had just left the borders of Elrond's country and, knowing how moody he got in the mornings, no one had dared to arouse him from sleep. Argileth had come back after scouting and seen everyone surrounding the loudly snoring Gondorian with looks on their faces suggesting that they had not a clue what to do.

"What is going on?" she asked abruptly. Sam turned to her despairingly.

"We've tried everything, Miss Argileth," he said. "There's nothing we can do. He won't wake up!" She glanced at the other members of the Fellowship and they nodded in affirmation.

"He refuses to wake up?" she muttered. A moment later Boromir sat bolt upright, having been abundantly showered with an entire kettleful of cold water.

"What the-"

"We're going!" she snapped, cutting short his protest. "Everyone has been waiting for you to get off your lazy arse and move for the past hour."

Poor Boromir did not even know how to react – having cold water thrown on him in the midst of his rest and now an Elf snapping at him and telling him to get off his – since when did ellith talk like that, anyway? From the pure shock of it all he hesitated.

"I said MOVE!"

Not needing another reminder he scrambled off his backside and packed his things at an almost impossible speed, Argileth scowling over his every move. She had the whole group up and going within five minutes, Boromir the most enthusiastic of the lot and remaining at the front of the line until midday.

Aragorn exchanged glances with Legolas. Maybe Elrond had known what he was doing after all. Since when did anyone awaken Boromir without being knocked senseless, anyway? For Aragorn and Legolas especially, any female additions to the Fellowship were at best a detriment to the Quest and their sanity. The belief was not unfounded, especially judging on past experience with certain _Things_ that came from some strange place which they referred to as 'real Earth' and that had been plaguing their lives for years. . . Legolas shuddered at the thought as bad memories flooded unbidden to his mind. Best not to think about that. At any rate, Argileth had proved to the group that she was not lacking assertiveness – nor was she one to quail in the face of adversity when it befell, as it inevitably would at some stage. If you can call depriving someone of sleep a way to face adversity.

Incidentally, Boromir never slept late again.

Argileth remembered all this with a grin. So far there had been no sightings of any fell beasts, from Mordor or otherwise, with one exception. Said exception 'fell' into Middle Earth shortly after the Boromir episode – an Aragorn!fan, if you must know – who was almost immediately confronted on her arrival.

"Who are you?" asked Argileth. The Gorny!fan smiled her blindingly white smile and replied sweetly,

"I am Aragorniel Arathornion GorniezGirrl Pissoffarwenhe'smine." Argileth had to exercise excellent self-control to prevent herself from bursting out laughing – or alternatively from plunging her shortsword into the creature. Having dealt with a fair number of Sues in years before the best way was to defeat them through the power of Logic, more effective than any weapon of war, even swords called Glamsting. Or if all else failed a simple blow to the head might do the trick – their skulls tended to bend inwards fairly easily. Argileth was pondering the latter option when something happened to distract her thoughts.

By sheer bad luck Aragorn stepped out of the trees at that moment bearing an armful of _athelas_ – 'You never know when someone else is going to be stabbed by a poisoned blade,' were his words. He stopped when he saw the Sue – and was soon running for his life in the opposite direction. For when Aragorniel her lust object emerge from the trees in his unwashed but like, totally _hott_ state, she gave a great 'SQUEE!' and leapt after him.

"Come back, Gornie-Wornie-kins!"

"LEGOLAS!"

Legolas came out of nowhere and looking up in surprise he saw his mortal friend running around a huge boulder that was in the way, pursued by what appeared to be a Sue of some sort. However, before he could help Aragorn, it seemed that the Sue had already done it for him.

_SMACK!_

Aragorn whipped around, startled by the noise. Argileth winced. Apparently running full pelt into solid rock with your head could in fact kill you. Or maybe it was the arrow that had been loosed from the bow belonging to a certain sooper-hot Elf prince. So that was the end of Aragorniel Arathornion GorniezGirrl Pissoffarwenhe'smine.

Argileth's constant vigilance since then had been almost bordering on paranoia. But in the course of the following weeks, most of her fellow travellers had shown more or less that they did not mind having her there to share the joys of sloshing through the mud with them or going unwashed for weeks on end or waking up with flies in their mouths. Unlike most Tenth Walkers she didn't mind all of that. She reached over and poked the fire.

"May I sit here?" A shadow fell over Argileth as she mused and looking up she saw Legolas staring down at her. Oddly enough a few squeals came floating on the air as he emerged into view (for everyone knows that fangirl cries can be heard from afar).

"I suppose you can," she muttered, wondering why on Arda he had asked a question like that. We must remember that Argileth did not place quite the same value on civility as the Elf prince did.

He took his seat opposite her and watched the shadows dance around her face in the flickering light. Both of them remained awkwardly silent and motionless for a long time.

"My lady –" began Legolas. Her head snapped up. "Sorry. Erm, Argileth." _Note to self: Never call Argileth 'lady'_. She was somewhat relieved not to have to remind the Mirkwood prince of this by scaring the flaming Udun out of him. So was Legolas.

"May I inquire as to why Lord Elrond considered it necessary to send you with us?" he asked when the tension subsided. Argileth was surprised. No one else had asked it – they all just complied with Elrond, trusting in his wisdom and authority.

"To protect you from. . .certain things," she replied, not knowing how to word it.

"Odd. We have never needed protection before," he pointed out with an air of superiority and condescension that made her seethe with anger. Lords, this ellon annoyed her!

"Well, you do now," she answered.

"May I venture to ask from what things we require your protection?"

"Things that will severely jeopardise your mental health."

"Such as?"

She sighed exasperatedly and he flinched a little. "Do the words 'Sue' or 'Leggy' have any meaning to you?" she snapped.

It took a moment for this to register but when it did the colour drained from his face and his eyes slowly widened. He was rendered speechless, unable to articulate more than a gasp. Argileth sat back, a slightly superior smirk on her face.

"I see they do. Now do you understand?"

Legolas nodded, not saying anything more.

"And seeing as it is unlikely that you will be getting any more sleep," she added, "you might as well take over." And with that she stood up and walked away, leaving behind a bewildered Legolas.

OoO

There was a break in the storm on Caradhras, which was rather welcome as for the past hour the wind had been shrieking around the mountain and loosening the stones that fell suddenly from the heights. Aragorn was looking not a bit pleased as he watched Legolas step lightly over the snow as if it were solid ground. Argileth was sitting cross-legged on a rock and listening to the Dwarf attempt to persuade Gandalf to take the Fellowship through the Mines of Moria. Needless to say, she was rather amused.

"Let us go through the mines of Moria," suggested Gimli, for the third time.

"That," replied the wizard, "as I have said before, is not a wise decision, Master Dwarf. And do not try to persuade me with temptations of malt beer and ripe meat off the bone!"

"I was going to say nothing of the sort," retorted Gimli.

"What were you going to suggest?"

"That journeying through Moria would be infinitely better than this hell-hole."

In the meantime Merry had felt the need to amuse himself and had leaned over to Pippin and whispered,

"Throw something at Legolas, Pip." Pippin looked confused.

"Why?"

"Because I feel like annoying him."

"Fair enough." Pippin rolled up a ball of snow and with true hobbit marksmanship took aim for the unsuspecting blond Elf. By an unfortunate stroke of fate Merry slipped and knocked Pippin just as he threw the snowball, causing it to sail through the air and rudely end Argileth's ruminations by hitting her on the side of the head.

Gasp.

Silence.

Argileth stood up and glared searchingly at each individual.

"Who did that?" she asked slowly. Pippin's pallid face peeked out from behind his cousin, dreading what she might do to him. Aragorn drew his breath in sharply – apart from that silence reigned over the mountain. Without warning Argileth took up a ball of snow and fired it at Pippin.

"Too slow!" she cried and threw her head back, roaring with laughter. If it was possible for the very air to be heard heaving a sigh of relief, it did. Pippin immediately regained his usual mischievous self and proceeded to throw a snowball at Gandalf.

"Fool of a Took!" he thundered, picking up a boulder-sized snowball and bowling it in the direction of Merry and Pippin. Suddenly the whole group was locked in epic snow battle on the slopes of Caradhras. Had Legolas' tutor seen his pupil he would have been horrified, as said Elf was acting nothing like the stately Elf Prince he was brought up to be, laughing just as loudly and barbarically as Gimli and having snow dumped all over him by Aragorn. Not that it really matters what Legolas' former tutor would have thought anyway, as it has no real importance to us. And Argileth, much as she hated to admit it, was actually having fun for once and forgot to be her usual reserved self. For once she was happy.

But it happens all too often that as soon as we are content some unforeseen misfortune befalls. Which is what happened to Argileth.

It was about a day later that Gandalf finally realised that they were going nowhere by trying to climb over Caradhras – "You don't say," was Argileth's response, of course – and Frodo opted for trying the mines, much to Gandalf's frustration and Gimli's delight.

The Doors of Moria loomed ahead, embedded in a wall of rock before which lay a murky and dubious looking cesspool.

"What does _that_ mean?" inquired Merry, Gandalf having read out the words on the door.

"That's quite simple - if you're a friend you speak the password and the doors will open," answered the wizard. Soon every command in Elvish, Dwarvish and the tongues of Men Gandalf knew were being hurled at the unrelenting stone doors. Soon this was followed by every curse and obscenity in Elvish, Dwarvish and the tongues of Men.

"I don't think it's working, Mr. Gandalf," pointed out Sam.

"You'll see, young hobbit," muttered Gandalf, who was quickly running out of expletives. "We won't be out here for more than five minutes."

Twenty-five minutes later the Fellowship was still hanging around outside the gates, disliking the looks of the water more and more. Argileth, however, sensed that there was something else amiss apart from the suspicious cesspool. (How was that for alliteration, huh?) What it was she could not tell but a shadow and a threat was growing in her mind. Wait – that sounded too much like Legolas. Alright, a sense of foreboding was creeping over her heart.

No sooner had Gandalf pronounced the password than the Watcher had reared its ugly head and about twenty tentacles from the water.

But something else happened at exactly the same time.

_The sun darkened slightly and the air suddenly became hazy. Middle-Earth stopped revolving on her axis for a microsecond to allow for the latest unwelcome entrance. Then the sunshine burst out from behind the clouds, the birds sang, and five rainbows in previously thought to be impossible positions in the sky appeared._

Even the Watcher looked confused.

"Feareth not!" cried a fair voice. "I shall saveth thee all!" The owner of the fair voice suddenly emerged from nowhere, brandishing her pink sword with grace, from which flowers and a few pink butterflies flew.

The scene suddenly changed from the cold and dank environment of the Moria Gate to the picturesque backdrop of Rivendell. The Fellowship all stared at Her, with her long blonde hair that rippled past her slim waist, which was only accentuated by the dress she was wearing with its 'modestly plunging' neckline. Argileth saw all their eyes glaze over with increasing horror. Legolas fell on his knees with his hands clasped together in dramatic entreaty.

"Oh!" he cried rapturously, "My fair Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee!"

Argileth passed out.

OoO

Yes, we all knew it was coming sometime, didn't we? I know that one was a bit long, but never mind. Now go ahead and review - and any suggestions you've got are welcome too! =D

~Araloth the Random


	3. Eth the Almighty

Hey everyone! Here's another chapter. By the way, when I say 'urple', I do mean urple. Someone invented it – if you don't believe me look it up in 'The Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth', it's there.

Disclaimer: As if I own LOTR! Gosh!

Warning: An all-powerful Shakespeare!Sue, annoying butterflies, butchering of Shakespeare and. . .urpility? Urpleness? Something like that.

OoO

Argileth awoke the next morning from a restless sleep, her head throbbing painfully and yesterday's events as the fading memory of a nightmare lingering at the back of her subconscious. She shook her head and smiled. Ha. Strange dream alright – Legolas acting weird and some crazy Shakespeareth!Sue arriving in Middle Earth with her fancy pink sword to 'save' them all before the Gates of – wait.

Noticing that she was in her own room at Rivendell and not lying sprawled on the ancient stone floors of Moria with dead Dwarf corpses scattered beside her she sat bolt upright in bed. Panic seized her as she ran to the window and threw it wide open. There a terrible sight greeted her gaze.

Rivendell's beautiful but melancholic autumnal theme had been replaced with – well, pure impossibility. Rabbits were gambolling in the valley, squirrels frolicked in the trees. Rainbows arched across the sky, some with impossible loops in them that defied all the laws of nature. The air was almost pink with glitter, on which she was almost choking. As she stood there in horrified amazement a cloud drifted by with a giggling Cupid seated on it. Even the light that streamed in through the window was impossible – the sun was far too bright and her room was glowing with some horrible shade, her prized weapons adorning the wall drowned in a fell pink light.

Argileth backed against the wall with her arms out on it, breathing hard. What kind of hellish nightmare was this? She took several deep breaths in an effort to calm her badly jangled nerves and regain her composure. Slowly she turned the door handle and peered outside into the hallway. Seeing no one around she stepped out and went in search of Elrond.

Throwing open the doors of the largest hall of the Last Homely House she was forced to stop short. Seated upon a golden throne which shouldn't have been there, a beam of urple light slanting through the open window on her perfect form, was the cause of the sudden change. The numerous Elves of Elrond's court were kneeling before her throne in awe and reverence. The Sue did not see Argileth (whose jaw by this time was hanging open in an unladylike expression of mingled disgust, horror and sheer bewilderment) and arising from her seat of honour left the throne and proceeded to shift the Circumference of Urpility, of which she was the centre, to the middle of the room, through which a red carpet ran end to end.

"I, Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee, hath saved ye all from doometh!"

Thus spake the Shakespeare!Sue. The crowd assembled there cheered as if that – that, _Thing_ had actually done what she had claimed. A herald arrayed in glittering pink and urple stripes sounded his trumpet.

"Queen Melodiel is returning to her throne!" All moved deferentially aside as she swept gracefully back to her throne, followed by loud applause. _Queen?_ Before Melodiel could see her she darted out of the hall and into the gardens, which were overgrown with ferns and pink flowers; singing fairies sat on toadstools and butterflies sprang up from her feet wherever she set foot.

By the time she was done retching a lot of pink flowers were dead.

OoO

Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearanna Parodee was, as she informed her loyal subjectseth, half Elf, half Man, half Vala. And what about half Dragon? Well, as we know, having Dragon scales did not serve her particularly well last time. Suffice to say that she was the product of some unlikely union – I believe her mother was the sister of Elrond and Elros, who rejoiced in the name of Elrondia Dictionariel Thesaurusala Indexia Encyclopaedia MiddleEarthica. **(1)** Technically Melodiel was part Maia but, like, it's too hard to like tell the difference between Valars and Maias!11! Never mind the misuse of Elvish grammar.

And although we really don't want to know about what Melodiel looked like any more than we want to hear her life story, what's a Sue without a rambling description of her physical appearance? This particular Sue had long golden locks that flowed past her waist, without split ends as one would expect – as she once remarked, "I useth my extra-strong super-smooth long-lengths anti-frizz [insert modern hair care product with no real name in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of Men] so that my haireth art left strong and healthy with an unbeatable shine!" **(2)**

And her eyes – how shall I describe them? Wide and innocent, blue with flecks of silver– perfectly natural, no contacts of course – which reflected her innocence and her virtuous nature. If she happened to be angry they went red but not in that madly-bloodshot-Saturday-morning-hangover-eyes-popping-out-of-her-head way, because that would just be detrimental for the preservation of her beautiful, erm, beauty. And she had this uncanny ability to make her eyes brim over with tears at the opportune moment – again, without looking like she was hung over – either when she was like, verily joyfulleth or when she was displaying her sorrow and weeping for the hard ways of the world. You could feel the warmth in her heart even before you met her. **(3)** Her dress was modest yet perhaps just _hinted_ at her copious bosom and maybe just clung _a tiny little bit_ to her slim figure. And because she was part Maia (or Vala, if you like – she can't tell the difference so it doesn't really matter) a faint urple glow could be discerned radiating around said slim figure.

One of the first things she'd done as Queen was to somehow abolish the character of Boromir – exactly how she accomplished this no one could figure out. He had simply disappeared. Argileth was a little upset by this. Sure, she hadn't exactly been a good friend of Boromir's or anything but reducing the number of members in the Fellowship – the traditional ones – was simply out of order. But Melodiel's reasons for doing so were fairly simple – because, like, Boromir was, like dead! _Why?_ Because the movie said so! (Eth!)

But for our purposes the important thing was that she was the proud owner of the Fourth Elven Ring of Power, otherwise known as The Other Ring to Rule the Rest of Them. Why was this important? We shall find out later – _much_ later. The other important thing was that, apparently, the very presence of the Fluent-in-Shakespeare-Maia-Power-Wielding!Sue had summoned many other Sues into being and, as Melodiel had claimed the heroes (which undoubtedly included Legolas) as her property, being the Queen and all, they all had to go out and snag their own Elfy-welfies – doing so of course in the hope that, should they run into someone like, I don't know, Legolas, for instance – they might [_Censored for your mental protection_] Minds out of the gutter, people! But we'll find out about all that later.

Argileth had, in the meantime, had the misfortune to be caught later by her Royal Sueishness of Rivendell as she was entering the large and heavily ornamented doors leading to her Majesty's Throne Room. Surprise, surprise, there art the 'Queen' herself. She groaned inwardly.

Melodiel, her thoughts (however little thinking she may do) having been centred around the remaining members of the Fellowship all day (or at least the totally HOTT ones) had not given a thought to her 'loyale subjectes', much less the one standing before her. Now she examined Argileth with mild interest, no doubt pondering to what use she could put the elleth.

"Whoeth art thee?" asked she, her fair voice *gag* filling the hall. Realising that she would get nowhere by defying the Sue Argileth replied, sweeping a curtsey (even though she was wearing a tunic and muddy boots):

"My Lady, I am Argileth, nought but a humble servant of the Queen." She coughed a little from the glitter that flew all over the place when she spoke. As she swept this curtsey she happened to catch sight of the 'Queen's' perfectly manicured and polished toenails.

Melodiel clapped her hands excitedly. A loyal servant maideneth! And one that was not likely to compete with her for Legolas, too – I mean, he only deserved the best, righteth? And the besteth was – Melodiel, of course. This place was getting betterer and bettereth! She tossed her hair that 'captured the essence of Laurelin's gold' and giggled.

"Argileth, ye shalt verily be mine servant maidenetheth. Thou objectest not, of course?"

"Ehm, no. Of course not." Was it Elvenly or even humanly possible to add so many superfluous 'eths' to the end of one word? The bad Shakespearean was making her head ache with more blinding force than a miruvodka hangover. And miruvodka is pretty strong stuff.

"Thou mayest go now. I hath work to doeth." And with that she disappeared in a puff of pink smoke and glitter. Argileth rolled her eyes as she walked off. What '_work_'? Glomping Legolas? 'Virtuous nature,' indeed. The idea of this Thing being in any way virtuous was almost as ridiculous as the idea of Aragorn taking a bath. With a pink shower cap.

So this was the evil that Elrond spoke of when he sent her with the Fellowship in the first place. Evil in an urple form. Who would've thought. Argileth slammed the door to her office and kicked off her boots, sending them flying against the wall and killing a few butterflies in the process. She needed a plan. Alright – she would smash Melodiel's head in with a hammer. Or maybe she should just shoot her through the heart – that way she wouldn't have to go near the foul pink-bedecked creature. That sounded good enough. But now she needed to find Elrond.

And what of the Fellowship? Every one of them – except for the mysteriously disappeared Boromir – were imprisoned in a large pink room with cushions everywhere, as well as the omnipresent butterflies.

"Would someone please explain what's going on?" demanded Aragorn. All of the hobbits looked very frightened. Legolas had snapped out of the spell, having only seen Melodiel for a fleeting few seconds and was leaning against the pink wall.

"I think," he said slowly, "that there's some sort of – _creature_ – that has taken over Rivendell."

"Indeed," muttered the wizard. "We must stand strong against this evil." Legolas straightened himself and said courageously,

"Well, never fear! I, for one, am certainly not falling prey to those abominable –"

"Leggie!" She swept into the room with her dazzlingly bright smile. The glazed look returned to their eyes as they stared at the self-appointed Queen of Rivendell. Not knowing what had made all the members of the Fellowship suddenly behave like this Legolas whipped around and saw Melodiel standing there, attractively lit by the convenient beam of light that burst through the window.

And nearly salivated.

OoO

Argileth came to the place where the Fellowship had had their big council meeting and saw Elrond standing majestically on the balcony and looking out regally over Rivendell. At last – one sane person. She sighed with relief.

"My Lord Elrond –" she began as Elrond turned around, but was forced to end it right there. Far from looking regal and majestic, he was draped in some fell pink-and-black ensemble and was staring at her blankly, with that same glazed-over look and a slightly loopy grin on his face.

"Argileth!" he said in a happy tone of voice, the loopy grin expanding even more. "I have been made the happiest of – happy people." With these wise words he proceeded to hug her. Argileth should not have been so shocked, considering all that she had seen through the course of the day, but she was. Trying to free herself she asked,

"Um – what has happened that should cause this sudden merriment, my Lord?" Elrond sighed happily.

"I have found at last my long-lost niece!"

"You have?"

"Uncle!" Melodiel suddenly came sweeping in with joy, a swirl of pink glitter with butterflies in her train. Argileth swore under her breath. Did that Queen of Things have to be omnipresent? Said Sue proceeded to hug her 'uncle' and there was what Suethors would have called a touching reunion scene.

Argileth was off in a huff. Even the stately Lord Elrond of Rivendell, neither old nor young, accounted among the Wise in Middle-Earth, was reduced to a brainless 'uncle' to the Thing. She groaned. Where was Elenir when she needed him?

The midday sun, which was shining so unusually bright, shone down over the transformed Imladris. For the two who were walking about under this revolting sun it was the perfect day. Legolas, accompanied by the Queen of Rivendell, of course, was wandering at a leisurely pace through the gardens. They gazed at each other as though nothing in the world mattered except for themselves. Never mind that they didn't even know each other that well. They had looked into each other's eyes and knew at that moment that they were meant for each other. Legolas suddenly turned to her as they stopped beneath a great tree.

"Your Majesty –" he began.

"No, thou mayest calleth me Melodiel. Thee knowest that."

"Alright. Melodiel." He spoke the name softly. "May I tell you something?"

Her eyes shining, those ever-ready-to-fall tears glistening in her eyes, she turned to him.

"Whateth?"

Legolas opened his mouth to speak, looking into the depths of her azure, tear-filled eyes. At that moment a dagger flew with speed and made contact with the Queen of Sues, piercing through her back and the sinews surrounding her ribcage and into her heart. She collapsed instantly.

Argileth stepped out of no where and looked at Melodiel with some satisfaction, lying in a crumpled heap but without a single droplet of blood staining her perfect outfit. Well, that was odd. Most Sues still at least had real blood in them, even if the colour red was so totally out. She should not have been surprised – trust some Sue to exist in perfection for all her life and then die a perfect death without the slightest drop of that unsightly blood. Like, gross!

She turned to Legolas and saw the look of mingled shock and disgust written on his face.

"What. . .what just happened?" he asked in his bewilderment.

"Well, it's a long story," she began, but was interrupted by the sound of someone softly tsking behind her. Argileth froze.

"Now thateth was unnecessary. Etheth."

OoO

**(1)** Seriously. The names are getting more and more ridiculous. I must lose braincells inventing them.

**(2)** I think I heard that one off a shampoo ad. Without the Bad!Shakespeare of course.

**(3)** That is adapted from a real Mary Sue that I found when browsing through all these old LOTR fics. I almost choked when I read it.

So there you go – thus endeth another chaptereth. I'm starting to feel sorry for Legolas. By the way, if you have creative ways to kill off Sues that claim to have magical resurrective (that's not a word but who cares) powers from the Valar, please tell me all about it! Now review or you will be afflicted with the Dodgy!Shakespeare disease every time you speak! =D

~Araloth the Random


	4. Life Sometime Doth Sucketh

Thank you for the ideas - I love you guys! Every one of them made me quite literally laugh out loud – be prepared to see them in later chapters! =D Note: For those of you who do not know the meaning of a 'morningstar' it's that really scary looking weapon that the Witch-King uses when he and Eowyn are having that fight in RoTK.

Disclaimer: Owning LOTR would make me Tolkien, and it's obvious that I'm not. However, I do own Argileth and, I regret to say, Melodiel and any random Sues you happen to meet. I also don't own Charlie the Unicorn – if you haven't seen that retarded clip go to YouTube and type in Charlie the Unicorn. It's ridiculous but it suits my fic. (Thanks to Jasmin the critic from hell, and TheHouseOfTheGoldenFlower! I've mutilated some of your ideas *evil manic grin*)

Warning: The usual stupidity. And this chapter is slightly gory – but you might like it if you like seeing Sues die. ;)

OoO

"_Now thateth was unnecessary. Etheth."_

So saith the Sue. Argileth stared at her in shock. Her long golden hair was still perfect, her gown had miraculously changed – and that was perfect, too – and Legolas was still staring at her in that lovestruck, idolising way. Melodiel snapped her long, perfect fingers and all three found themselves back in the throne room. How on Arda she had managed to resurrect herself Argileth did not know. All she did know was that she would retch if she hung around any longer to hear Legolas spilling out poetry to Her Highness and rushed out of the room to carry out the aforementioned activity.

Needless to say, Her Majesty had not taken too kindly to the fact that she had been killed and Argileth was severely punished for her actions. She was not allowed to stay up and eat pizza, and her phone had been confiscated for - *gasp* - _an entire day!_ Not that it really mattered to Argileth, as she never used that strange object, the _phôn_ – now, it would have been a different story if her mace or something had been confiscated –

"Argileth?" Our poetry readingeth is on this morningeth, remember thee? Legolas is going to readest his poemeth!"

"Yes, my lady."

Proclamations and updates on her Ladyship's activities rang out at odd hours, announcing that 'Her Royal Highness is having her hair brushed', or 'My Lady is having a bubble bath' – or, once, in the middle of the night, 'Her Majesty is going to the toilet.' For that matter, night was not a cycle that came regularly anymore, thanks to Melodiel – it was always sunny, it never rained and days were unbearably long. It was because of this that Argileth was slowly, or rather rapidly, becoming somewhat insomniac. Guards, heralds and servants arrayed in the fell colours of the Queen – pink and urple – were seen hurrying around to carry out her orders to have Her Ladyship's toenails polished, or her special diet cookies delivered to her room fresh from the kitchen where Sam Gamgee had been stationed as Head Cook. The poor hobbit had scarcely been getting much more rest than Argileth. And Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin all appeared wearing 'I heart Melodiel' T-shirts – once Aragorn went wandering around without a shirt on at all, much to the Aragorn!Sues' delight, and Melodiel's, who had probably made him go shirtless in the first place. Melodiel had not failed to notice her loyal servant maidenetheth's frequent absences but, being a Sue and therefore nearly devoid of any intelligence, did not suspect Argileth of any of the murderous machinations formulating in said elleth's weary, sleep-deprived head.

Melodiel glided into the corridor from out of nowhere, saying to Argileth,

"Announceth thee my presenceth – methinks my peopleth awaitest."

By 'peopleth' she did not mean the common riffraff of Rivendell but her personal servants – her Melodiel fanclub members. Who knows what Melodiel got up to in her private time with her fanclub. Whatever it was, Argileth did not want to know and disappeared as soon as she had made her announcementeth.

OoO

Arwenniel Tinuviella stood in the middle of a random field with a beatific smile gracing her perfect features. She, as the twin sister of Arwen, had long midnight-black hair and flawless skin. Her violet eyes were rimmed with dark lashes and sparkled with the light of the stars. The presence of Melodiel ensured that she and other Sues did not get anywhere near the heroes, least of all Legolas, but Arwenniel was standing around in this random field in the hopes that should Gorny or some other totally hawt Elfy come along, she could [**censored for your mental protection**]. So, her tiny mind occupied with thoughts of this nature, and others more sickening that don't deserve repeating, she did not notice a certain elleth skulk towards edge of her vision, in a short tunic and muddy, totally last-season knee boots; much less did she notice that said elleth was holding some sharp, scary-looking weapony thingamy.

Now, if any ordinary person had seen an armed elleth with a determined look on her face such as what Argileth was displaying, and holding a _morningstar_, for crying out loud, they would have run for their lives. Because it would be obvious to any ordinary person that carrying such sharp, scary-looking weapony thingamabobbies is not in any way a normal occurrence. But no such thought occurred to Arwenniel Tinuviella, who did not even notice Argileth until she appeared right in her line of vision. And when she finally did see her, the first thought that occurred to her was, Oh, my Valar, those boots are so totally last season! Like, had she looked at herself in the mirror lately at all? She seriously needed to go shopping – obviously she hadn't been to the Gap of Rohan for the last Age or so, like!1! (Actually, that last statement was quite true – but what Arwenniel had forgotten was that there was such thing as dire peril in Middle-Earth and that the last thing a sensible person aware of the dangers of venturing out of Rivendell would be thinking of was a shopping trip to the Gap).

"What are you doing?" inquired Argileth in a tone that might have sounded polite, had she not been carrying her weapon.

"Waiting." All Sues seemed to have that utterly infuriating saccharine ring in their voices, though the voice of this one paled in comparison to wondrous fair Melodiel's, that echoed of the sound of nightingales and larks and bluebirds and all things irritable. This, of course, didn't make the Sue's voice any nicer to listen to.

"For whom?"

Arwenniel tossed her midnight-black tresses and giggled. "For my Gornie-wornie-kins, of course!" The Sue did not notice Argileth's hand tighten on her weapony thingamajig.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, like, coz he's so hawt, and we're gonna get married, and –"

It was too bad that she never got to finish her sentence.

Argileth had very good reasons to be frustrated. The arrival of Melodiel had thrown everything out of balance and thanks to her Rivendell was turned into a Sue-haven where at least one Sue every hour would arrive to trouble Middle-Earth. Those members of the 'I heart Melodiel' fanclub were unfaltering in their devotion to their Queeneth and Argileth suspected that she was plotting some sort of mischief involving Legolas. And lastly, her attempt to kill Melodiel had been unsuccessful. Usually Argileth was not one of those people who reveled in excessive violence. And usually the best way to deal with Sues, according to her experience, was to defeat them with logic. Now, however, with the remains of Arwenniel Tinuviella before her feet and a few dead fairies and a couple of winged pink unicorns scattered around her, she had proved herself quite sadistic. _Interesting weapon, this_, thought Argileth, examining the blood-covered weapon thing. _I should use this more often. I wonder if Melodiel could possibly resurrect herself with a morningstar embedded in her thick skull_.

She was about to let her weapon loose again when another unicorn invaded her periphery but stopped when she saw that said unicorn was not pink, was not singing, and did not have a perpetual grin plastered on its face. Indeed, this one was grey, rather than pink or yellow or urple or some other impossible colour, and the grin which the others wore was non-existent. Argileth straightened herself and looked at it.

"Despite your being a mythical creature I am assuming that you are not a creature of Melodiel."

The unicorn blinked. "Who?"

"Alright, I see that you are not." She took a deep breath. "So what are you doing here?"

"I don't know, alright? I just am. And –" Suddenly he caught sight of the a blue unicorn and a pink one – both victims of Argileth's violent outburst. Quickly she tried to step in front of them but he had already seen. _Oh, no_, she thought in a panic, _I've just killed his kinsfolk_.

So it came as a surprise to her when the grey unicorn began doing what looked like a victory dance and repeatedly thanking her for getting rid of two of his worst nightmares.

"I. . .don't understand," faltered Argileth. Was this unicorn, this figment of some Suethor's imagination, actually agreeing with her that impossibly-coloured mythical creatures should not exist? It turned out that Charlie, the wildly excited creature dancing around in front of her, had had some. . .rather nasty experiences with those two. **(1)**

"I have to repay you," continued Charlie.

"Huh," muttered Argileth. "What can _you_ do?" Yet after thinking for a moment her eyes lit up. Turning to Charlie with a smile, she said,

"Actually, there _is _something. . ."

OoO

When Argileth returned Melodiel was still seated upon her golden throne, that beam of light slanting in through the window purely for the sake of accentuating her perfection. Really, her Majesty was so touched – the Melodiel fanclub – aka Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry and Pippin – were kneeling before her and pledging formally to serve her with their utmost fan devotion. Volunteerethly, of course. What services they were asked to perform with their utmost fan devotion were not mentioned. Not that we really want to know, anyway. Assembled there were many of the other 'peopleth' of Rivendell to witness this auspicious moment in Middle-Earth's history – poetry reading, all in honour of Melodiel.

"My Lady," said Legolas in an undertone as he took her hand, "there is a poem which I have composed in your honour –" At this Argileth snorted – the very idea of the Prince of Mirkwood writing _poetry_ was something that both amused her and made her want to throw up.

Melodiel rose, blushing prettily and fluttering her innocent blue eyes. Just then a cavalry charge sounded and everyone's heads snapped up in surprise. The ground trembled, as did those assembled in the hall. The doors burst open and a cavalcade of pink unicorns came charging in with Charlie at their head.

Now, like I said, Argileth was not usually so sadistic but this time she enjoyed every moment of hearing Melodiel's screaming and her bones snapping and watching all the blood spurting everywhere beneath the furious pounding of hooves. Everyone looked on in horror and astonishment.

Silence fell on the hall after the mythical creatures processed out. Not a chirp, not a note of any ridiculous song sounded from outside. The silence continued when an eyeball rolled its way across the marble floor. The sunshine was overshadowed by the passing of a cloud – an ordinary one, not one that housed a Cupid, or was shaped like a heart, or had a rainbow arching over it with a crock of gold at the end. The silence continued when a little white rabbit bounced in and upon ripping Melodiel's throat out proceeded to drag the remains of oesophagus and vocal chords across the floor, leaving a bloody mess behind. Sadistic Argileth had to suppress a snigger – it amused her that one of Melodiel's own little cutesy creatures was mutilating the Queeneth with such ferocity. One inquisitive bird happened to fly in through the open window and, oblivious to the stares of the Elves, proceeded to feast on the remaining eyeball that was still in its socket, nerves and all, not at all put off by the vitreous humours that were spouting from it like a fountain. But retinal cells and vitreous humours are not composed of rainbows and smiles so the bird had a tremulous fit and died.

When it suddenly became apparent that Rivendell had been ruled by a Sue for an entire week, the Elves sent up a cheer over her death and did not object at all when, on Elrond's orders, whatever was left of Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearanna Parodee was unceremoniously tossed out of the window. The howls that came from Elrond when he realised that he was wearing pink and black robes could probably be heard all the way to Lorien. Slowly the glitter and urpility that hung in the air began to fade. And in the midst of it Argileth was grinning from ear to ear. Those unicorns had sure done a thorough job.

"Argileth? Would you mind explaining the meaning of this?" She turned around to see a highly incensed Elrond shaking his robes at her amid the impromptu celebration.

"I believe, my Lord, that your – _niece_ – felt it necessary to take over Rivendell and, judging by the glitter we are still breathing in, I'd say that she temporarily succeeded," came the reply.

"My _what_?" thundered Elrond, outraged, and hearing nothing after the word 'niece'. "That _thing_ claimed to be my niece? Good Lords – I suppose she thought she could become Queen of Rivendell, or something equally as preposterous."

Argileth shifted slightly and cleared her throat. "Ahem. She _did_ make herself Queen of Rivendell."

Evidently, by the string of curses that followed, Lord Elrond was not impressed. "That foul, disgusting, vile, FRG8#&GFFR&*#FHK! That SH#M#*&%#GRF!"

"My Lord." Argileth looked upwards in the direction of the irritatingly familiar voice and saw the piercing blue eyes staring back. Elrond looked rather embarrassed.

"Ahem. Legolas." He inhaled and visibly calmed himself before proceeding. Legolas smirked. Argileth noticed a piece of paper sticking out of the Elf-Prince's pocket.

"Your pocket," she said flatly. Legolas shot her a strange look and fished out the piece of paper. The elleth grinned when she saw him start in horror.

"Did I really write this?" he gasped, not attempting at all to mask his unabated revulsion at his own terrible poetry to that Thing. But Argileth was too overjoyed to inquire after the nature of what was written on the accursed sheet—and besides that, she was enjoying watching Legolas' face contort and turn pink in his humiliation.

Alack, the celebrations did not last long – within five minutes a messenger from the gates arrived with an urgent message for Lord Elrond.

"Oh, Lords, no!" he groaned, not sounding like the wise ruler of Rivendell he was. "I knew this would happen sooner or later! ARGILETH!"

"I'm right here, my Lord."

He turned to the elleth, speaking in slow, eerie tones. "They're here. They've come."

"Oh." Argileth pursed her lips. "Legolas, come with me." He certainly was not really the company she wanted with her, but his archery skills would be needed. For once he did not question her and followed her out of the Last Homely House.

The Beings' loud voices preceded them, piercing shrieks and giggles and squeeing renting the air, making Legolas cringe. I did mention before that Melodiel's arrival had precipitated an influx of Sues and once Argileth saw what was going on she understood. Standing behind a large tree with the Elf Prince she watched the gate with raised eyebrows.

Holding up placards of protest against the unfair imprisonment of the heroes in Rivendell were a myriad of Sues, shouting, 'Free the Fellowship! Free Leggy! Free Gornie!' At the very front was what appeared to be their leader – a Leggy!fan, obviously – speaking through a strange object which seemed to amplify sound (Argileth learned later that it was called a megaphone – some ridiculous 'real' Earth invention). This Sue, by the name of Legolina Leggy Legolasia Legolana Legomania Archerie was saying,

"We are gathered here to stand up for the rights of imprisoned heroes and give them a chance in life." Argileth rolled her eyes. A chance for what? Being glomped? "It's so totally unfair to, like, keep them here in this hole." It was Legolas' turn to raise his eyebrows. Rivendell? A hole? It was perhaps fortunate that Master Elrond was not present to hear his home being insulted by a bunch of brainless Sues. "We're gonna charge right in there and save them all!"

Cheers from the Sue crowd.

"Are we gonna just let them suffer in Rivendell?"

"NO!" yelled the crowd. "Over our dead bodies!"

"That can be arranged," said Argileth, stepping out from behind the tree. A thousand Sue heads snapped around.

"Who are you?" demanded Legolina.

"The question is, who are _you_?" replied the elleth. A thousand Sue eyes blinked. Whispers went through the multitudes, asking 'Who's that biatch with that spiky thingie?' in reference to the morningstar she was still carrying. Legolas by this time had swiftly grown tired of hearing the Sues and wished to put an end to those 'fair' voices for good. He stepped out from his place, an arrow prepared to be loosed.

Big mistake.

A cacophony of squees greeted him as soon as his presence was made known, causing the terrified Elf's face to drain. He had faced many dangers before, not among the least of them Orcs and the dreaded Mirkwood spiders. He had even faced individual Sues before, which was bad enough. But this – this was an utter nightmare. Now the mob surged forward, squeeing all the way, and not realising that there was a gate barring their entrance.

THUNK!

A few dazed Sues fell back with bruises starting to appear on their foreheads. And then charged forth again with enthusiastic squees.

Argileth and Legolas exchanged glances. They had barely needed to do any work at all, with the Sues nearly doing it all for them by bashing into the gate and trampling each other in the stampede and trying to put their heads and arms through the gaps in an attempt to reach for their beloved Leggy. Apparently putting entire body parts through small gaps can result in them being twisted off. Suddenly a shadow loomed in the sky and they looked upward.

"What in the name of Morgoth is that?" asked Legolas, noting that it was too big to be a bird.

"I think," answered Argileth, also noting that it could not be a bird because it was flapping about wildly and screaming, "it's someone falling into Middle-Earth." The Elf from Mirkwood casually leaned against the wall. Argileth, looking at him out of the corner of her eye, wondered how someone so annoying and with such a patronising attitude could be that immaculate-looking. But she quickly put these thoughts aside as the screaming grew louder and the shape with its wildly flailing arms fell down with increasing velocity.

_SOUND OF SOMEONE BEING IMPALED ON A GATE SPIKE!_ (for lack of a better term.)

"See?" said Argileth, turning to her companion, "that is what is _supposed_ to happen when anyone falls from the sky at a great height."

"How true," mused Legolas, looking at the lifeless form with a spike running right through it. "But we didn't even find out her name." Argileth grinned.

"We probably would not have wanted to."

"I agree. Let's return – Lord Elrond will be wondering where we are." They headed back towards Elrond's home and had nearly reached it when they were accosted by urple-and-pink apparelled guards.

"Why are you still dressed like that?" asked Argileth scornfully.

"We have been ordered to escort you to the Throne Room."

Throne room? Looking up she saw the sun shine unsullied upon the earth and with increasing horror saw a few pink flowers sprout up at her feet. She ran from the grasp of the guards and into the hall, Legolas swiftly following.

Seated upon her throne in immaculate perfection was the her Royal Highness the Empress of Sues, Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearanna Parodee, Queen of Rivendell, with no traces of ever being trampled by insane unicorns. Raised on pedestals on either side of the throne were bowls that emitted incense. Kneeling before her throne were the Elves of Rivendell, including the wise Master Elrond. The remaining I heart Melodiel fanclubbers were also committing themselves to this reverential ceremony. Argileth's jaw dropped in dismay. It looked like the poetry reading would be going ahead after all. Melodiel looked up and smiled with her dazzling teeth.

"Ah, thou art just in time!" Upon seeing Legolas her smile grew even wider. Argileth could have sworn she heard the Sue squeeing in glee.

"My lady," said the Prince of Mirkwood, once again beneath the evil enchantment of the Sue.

"Thou mayeth proceedest," she said sweetly. Obediently and in raptures Legolas proceeded to fall to his knees while Argileth swore under her breath in a way that would make a Corsair blush.

"Melodiel, our Queen with bright golden hair

Outshines the sun with her fairness so fair

Her air so noble, her eyes so blue

Melodiel, our Queen we do love thee true."

Argileth really did not know whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculous solemnity with which the ceremony was conducted and the acclaim with which Legolas' 'poetry' was greeted. Melodiel was casting flirtatious sidelong glances from under her long eyelashes at her fanclub members. Argileth wondered if Melodiel could restrain herself from fangirlish behaviour long enough to get through the poetry reading.

"I wish I could bury a mace in your head

And have the pleasure of proclaiming you dead," she muttered.

"What was that, Argileth?"

"Nothing, my lady."

The elleth was forced to remain for the rest of the time until finally everyone was dismissed and Melodiel disappeared with her loyal and devoted fans – maybe to recite Dodgy!Shakespeare together, or something. Argileth stormed off angrily, pink flowers withering beneath her gaze. She sat down once again at her desk to brood darkly. Obviously this Sue was some sort of sorceress well-versed in the Pink Arts and quite capable of resurrecting herself as if it were the most natural thing in Arda. Argileth would have to do something dramatic if Melodiel was to be destroyed once and for all. So it was with great trepidation that she reached for the previously confiscated pink object.

OoO

**(1)** If you've seen 'Charlie the Unicorn' you'll know what I'm on about!

Whoo – that took me a long time to write! That has to be the longest chapter I've written so far. Unfortunately I've started another gruelling term of school, so don't get cross if I can't update as often. I'm working on it. Thankyou again for all your reviews! It's the small things in life that make me happy and among them is getting reviews. =D Oh, and for those of you wondering where Elenir is – be patient! ;)

~Araloth


	5. The Dark Side

Had Middle-Earth been in its rightful state it is certain that mobile phones would not have been in existence at all. The only forms of direct communication were either an uncomfortable ride on horseback or a long walk. However Middle-Earth was not in its rightful state, thanks to Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearianna Parodee, according to which individual, "Who wants to ride a horse when you can have a phone?" *giggle* As a result, Middle-Earth now somehow had phone connections. Yes, Melodiel's realm had been extended more than one would expect of a powerful but stupid Sue.

Argileth, having dealt with Sues in the past, did have some idea what the sleek little pink object was. Ordinarily she would not have even touched the thing, refusing to sully her hands with a piece of Mary Sue apparatus. But Argileth was frantic. As Her Highness' loyal servant maidenetheth she was forced to sit day after day listening to Melodiel's squeeing, Terrible!Shakespeare and watching her constant flirting with Fanclub members. She had to do something to put an end to it. Even if it meant using the vile little mechanism, which she had no idea how to operate.

Not that this actually struck Argileth at the time as a hindrance. She picked it up and examined it with interest. She would communicate with someone outside Melodiel's power and gain aid in defeating this evil pink menace once and for all.

Now, imagine an elleth in male mediaeval attire holding a mobile and closely examining it with a look of growing frustration and utter bewilderment. That was Argileth as she turned it over and attempted to figure out how to make it work. Those Sues always made it look so easy.

"Damned Sue communication devices -- what the grinding ice?"

The _phôn_ made a strange 'bleep!' sound at her and startled out of her wits she nearly dropped it. Intrigued, she closed it then opened it again, which of course resulted in the same strange noise. She only remembered that she had an important mission after flipping the phone open and closed a few times and chided herself for her childishness. Needless to say, it did take a while for Argileth to discover how to use it. She had never used one before, though she had seen countless Sues chattering away into similar devices. Why on Arda had Melodiel given her a phone, anyway? Did she not know what kind of damage someone like Argileth might do to her career?

But we must not forget that Melodiel was a Sue, and although far more self-controlled and, dare I say, slightly more intelligent than most other Sues, she was still one of them, and being a Sue she was generally incapable of intelligent thought. Despite all her difficulties of the past week (or maybe more – time meant nothing under the rule of the half-Elf, half-Man, half-Maia/Vala Queen of all Sues) it still brought a smile to Argileth's face to think of how she was finally about to get rid of the evil influence of the Suethor who had invented Melodiel in the first place. (Miss Mary Suethor, by the way, was having a marvellous time with her evil creation at this point, not that we really care.)

After about an hour of pressing a lot of keys and getting frustrated almost to the point of driving the phone into the ground and stomping all over it and throwing the broken pieces off that bridge Aragorn and Arwen were so fond of standing on, Argileth finally found the 'Contacts' list. Alright – now who would she call? Preferrably someone who actually existed – what kind of assistance she could receive from someone named S'brina d'Witch or DwarfGrrlWifABeard, she did not pause to consider. She did however have to stop for a moment to think whom she would talk to first. Maybe she could call Boromir's father – he was ruler, albeit of a Man-country quite weakened by war.

Argileth had never met Denethor before, but she could imagine from Boromir's descriptions that he was probably a bit uptight. Still, that might come in handy for her purposes – she was certain he would help her. She pressed a random button which she hoped was the one used to make calls.

OoO

Now, what had happened to Elenir?

"What do you think you are doing, ruffians? Let go!"

What, indeed. Just now he was being dragged down to Melodiel's dungeons, which would probably explain why he was yelling.

Having returned to Rivendell just after Melodiel's rather – interesting – death, he sensed the same general feeling of ill-ease as his friend Argileth had upon seeing the blinding sunshine, heart-shaped clouds, faeries and fell glitter. He marched into the Last Homely House with determination, seeking the individual responsible for wreaking such devastation – and found her. Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearianna Parodee was standing in all her golden glory upon the white balcony, with the sun shining brightly onto her upturned, pensive face and the wind gently caressing her hair. Hearing light footsteps behind her she turned around, and upon seeing the young Elf she smiled her most captivating smile.

But what caused Melodiel to be surprised was that Elenir remained unaffected by her charmingnest and beautieth. Instead of immediately falling to the ground and worshipping her as she expected, he pointed an accusing finger at her and demanded,

"How dare you show your face in Rivendell?" Melodiel was quite taken aback by this. "Who are you and what is your business here?"

She blinked innocently.

"Why, verily I am the Queeneth, good sooth." She took a step towards him, and Elenir noted from this closer range the loveliness of her delicate features and the depth of her blue eyes. He had never seen such fairness before. She was fairer than even Arwen Undomiel, fairer than the light that shone from the sun. Melodiel looked at him from under her long eyelashes suggestively.

"Cometh," she said with a giggle. "Thou shalteth be a membereth of my fanclubbeth." It was a command. She watched Elenir as he stood apparently transfixed by her and allowed a triumphant smile to spread over her perfect features.

And Elenir — roared with laughter. He laughed so much that tears streamed in rivers down his cheeks.

Evidently this was not the reaction Melodiel expected.

Immediately her eyes changed colour to a rather impressive shade of red – not, as you will no doubt remember, in the madly-bloodshot-Saturday-morning-hangover-eyes-popping-out-of-her-head way. The self-proclaimed Queen of Rivendell still managed to look attractive when those same eyes glowing redly would look absolutely bizarre on someone else. But she _was_ a Sue, after all.

"Guardseth!" she cried, her eyes flashing angrily. Immediately two guards arrayed in pink and urple appeared at her side. "Taketh ye this insolenteth Elf to the Dungeons of Doometh, bechanc'd fie and perforce!"

The guards obeyed her orders, never minding the laughable archaisms, dragging Elenir mechanically down to the Dungeons of Doometh.

"Unhand me at once, you fools!" he cried, as he tried to elude their grip. _I was not even aware that Elrond _had_ dungeons_, he thought. He would certainly be seeing the Lord of the Last Homely House about this – surely Elrond would not allow this evil to overtake Rivendell!

He was thrown into prison amid his protestations and the door was locked behind him. Having recovered Elenir looked around himself in wonder, for he had never seen a prison like this before.

The walls were, unsurprisingly perhaps, given Melodiel's character (or lack thereof), pink. It was large and well-furnished, with pink furniture and pink pillows. And, of course, a large and rather imposing painting of Her Majesty adorning the back wall. It was quite unnerving for the ellon to have to feel the glittering pink presence of my lady fair all the time.

The question is, why hadn't Elenir succumbed to Melodiel's charms as even Elrond the Wise had? A little known fact is that Elenir had a history behind him that afforded him some sort of immunity to Sues in general. Originally when he had first arrived in Rivendell as a child Gary-Stu, his name was Elenir Araearon Orcslayer Gutscleaver Balrogconqueror Glorfindellion II. He was the child of long-fortold prophecy, and he would join the Fellowship and save the Quest from all peril at whatever cost.

Of course, that all changed when he met Argileth. Elenir had tried hugging her when they were the equivalent of seven years old and Argileth had turned around and socked him badly. They became friends after that, oddly enough, and Elenir renounced his Stu-pidity (if you'll pardon the pun) once and for all.

Just when he thought he might drown in pinkness he saw someone in the next room, prevented from entering only by pink bars. He blinked in surprise.

"Arwen?"

She turned around. A look of mingled sadness and anger graced her fair features. "Oh. So you are here too."

Elenir nodded. "Her Majesty was so kind as to direct me here," he said. "Her hospitality evidently knows no bounds. Why are you here?"

"Because she wanted Aragorn all to herself, I suppose." An angry look suddenly flashed across the Elven princess' face. "I'm going to wring that vile creature's neck!" she hissed in a very un-Arwen like manner, accompanying her words with a gesture that had a frightening resemblance to the activity she had threatened to carry out.

"I'll help you," said Elenir approvingly, "as long as we can escape from here first."

OoO

Argileth had been trying unsuccessfully for the last hour to reach Denethor, or even Faramir with the little pink Sue communication device. She was strongly resisting the urge to go outside and mercilessly slaughter some faeries. As she was contemplating the latter option some insolent pink flowers dared to spring up at her feet as if to insult her with their presence, their upturned faces grinning happily and singing as they swayed in the wind. Argileth noticed them sprout on her muddy boot and a withering stare soon finished them off. She tried one last time to get through to Denethor. Unsuccessfully, yet again. She let slip an unladylike word in disgust.

For the ever-active Argileth to pursue such a monotonous activity for an extended period of time was something that demonstrated just how at the end of her wits she was.

The only hope she really had was if Sauron somehow discovered that Melodiel had a Ring of Power to rival his own. As Melodiel was a danger in common to both the people of the West and the Dark Lord and his allies, she wondered if she could possibly . . . she furrowed her brow in thought. Huh. _Ring of Power_. Suddenly her head snapped up. That was it! She would get into contact with Sauron, of course! She smacked her desk with her hand triumphantly.

The only qualms she had were that perhaps Master Elrond would not approve of her turning to the dark side for help. Argileth pondered this then shrugged it off, with the thought that Melodiel was a threat to everyone, just as much a danger to the Dark Lord himself as she was to the heroes and good peoples of Middle Earth. Or at least to the sane ones, anyway.

She did not expect to find Barad-Dur on the contacts list but it was there all the same. Did Melodiel have dealings with the Dark Tower? It brought a grin to her face to think of Melodiel giggling into her palantir and telling Sauron how 'hott' being evil was. But it was a risky business, to turn towards the greatest evil since the First Age for help. So it was with not a little trepidation that Argileth waited for a response from Mordor.

Sauron, in the meantime, had not actually been having a pleasant time of things. It was hard to have a pleasant time in the form of a disembodied eyeball anyways, but it just made things harder to have a Dark!Sue claiming to be his daughter and hanging around like a nice smell in his tower. Especially when his tower, so grim and evil and imposing, was now sprouting flowers of its own and the wailings of a 'fair voice' were echoing through it, the foundations trembling ominously.

Sauron, the Dark Lord of Middle-Earth and formerly the most powerful servant of the Black Enemy, was now nearly on the point of tears.

"MAKE IT STOP!" he groaned when his one and only Saurie!fan once again began to yowl her joyous strains, glorifying Sauron's evil characteristics and irresistible HOTTness. No doubt, of course, referring to the flames crowning his eye. Unless she meant – I won't go there, we'll all get nightmares. Why Sauron's 'daughter' would think such thoughts about her alleged father is beyond me. Sauronalia DarkLordia Mordoria BlackLandia Morgothia Umaia Crueltie Malicia DeVil giggled.

"Make what stop, Daddy?" she twittered, apparently completely unaware of the severe psychological damage she was doing to the erstwhile Maia of Aule. Sauron's Eye twitched.

"Unmerciful Morgoth," he muttered. The phone just then rang loudly, which occasioned a string of rather colourful and variant curses from the Dark Lord.

"Norbert!" he yelled over the top of the 'singing'. "Answer the Valadarned phone!"

The former Witch-King of Angmar obediently went to perform this task, picking up the phone and clearing his throat.

"Flaming Eye for the Ranger Guy," he said in a tone that was probably intended to be helpful and pleasant but succeeded only in sounding scary and screechy. "If this is the Heir of Elendil, know this: that Sauron the Mighty will have his vengeance, and—"

"No, I am not Aragorn."

"Then who are you? Sauron demands to know," Norbert said imperiously. Though he could not quite conceal the surprise in his voice that the voice on the other end was that of a woman.

Sauron glared at the Witch-King. "Who am I demanding to know?"

"The chick on the other end. Who are you, I say?"

"I am Argileth of Rivendell."

There was a pause and Argileth was sure she could hear laughing. Sauron certainly was. She could hear his derisive roaring in the background. "An elleth? An elleth dares to speak to my lieutenant? I would have thought better of Lord Elrond, yet these are the measures he is resorting to!"

"Listen," she snapped, evidently already growing impatient and heedless of the dangers of speaking in such a manner to a very evil and powerful spirit (even though said spirit was in the form of a lidless eye wreathed in flame). "There is a danger here, far greater than you know, for doubtless if you knew of this you would—"

She was cut off by a horrible yowling which might have been singing, accompanied by a howl of abject terror which might have been Sauron. Argileth wondered if the Sue's empire had spread so far as to reach Mordor in the south. The idea of Mount Doom sprouting pink flowers was somewhat amusing. And impossible.

"I see that you too have not been unaffected," she said drily. "I can aid you in getting rid of this menace if you will listen." Sauron's answer was desperate.

"Tell her," he ordered Norbert, "that I'm all ears. Erm, eyes. Oh, bugger it." Argileth suppressed the urge to laugh at the childishness of the Dark Lord.

So she proceeded to explain what had happened. She was only interrupted once – when she came to the part about Melodiel's Ring.

"So," said Sauron calmly when she had finished. "What do you want from me?"

Argileth drew in her breath. "Your assistance," she replied. _Elrond will kill me when this is over_, she thought. The sound on the other end was a snort, which was probably the Witch-King.

"What will we say to this one?" asked Norbert. "Surely you won't—"

"I'm thinking!" answered Sauron snappishly. "I will admit that this is an interesting story you have – but what do I gain from this venture?"

"Well – this One Ring to Rule the Rest of Them, which is probably more powerful than even your Ring, will be destroyed and Melodiel will not be able to take control of Middle-Earth. That eliminates a formidable rival. Secondly—"

The Dark!Sue's wailing rent the air once again, so that Argileth could not make herself heard above the noise. When it finally subsided, she continued.

"Secondly, your – unpleasant company – will also be eliminated."

"I see." Once again there was a pause. Argileth was on tenterhooks, the silence disrupted only by the mouth-breathing of the undead king (and occasional snatches of bad singing). She was nearly beginning to regret her impulsive decision. What on earth had she done, asking the Dark Lord of all people to help? She was worried that he would refuse to help, even though clearly the demise of Melodiel would be to each of their benefits. Finally Sauron gave his response.

"Alright, Argileth of Rivendell – I will send help to you, if you can promise that you will do away with this monstrosity. And this – daughter that I apparently have especially."

Argileth smiled crazily with relief. "We have a deal."

OoO

Getting pretty crazy now – so what do you guys think?


	6. The End of Act I

My good friends, Readers, countrymen! I do thank ye all – you guys are fantastic. This nutty chapter dedicated to AmatorLinguae, and Elrayen Greenleaf. Read and enjoy, at your own peril!

OoO

When Argileth hung up, she was grinning madly at no-one in particular (maybe because there was no-one around to grin madly at) and feeling slightly high. She even skipped a few times as she headed back to the Last Urple House, merrily squashing a few faeries beneath her booted feet, and laughing cheerfully when she saw their glittery blood spurt into the air.

Argileth remembered, of course, to remove the psychotic smirk from her face before arriving in my Lady Fair's presence, replacing it with a slightly less sadistic smile. But upon seeing Melodiel Argileth's jaw dropped to the floor.

Her Royal Highness Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee, self-proclaimed Queen of Rivendell, was in Arwen's favourite dress. The purple and red one. Of course the dress fit her perfectly, in all the right sort of places, being modest at the same time, of course, because Queen Melodiel was the paragon of virtue. However, it was not the fit of the dress, nor the degree of absolute perfection Her Majesty had managed to maintain whilst wearing a dress that no one but Arwen could possibly look good in.

It was the fact that Arwen had actually allowed Melodiel to wear her favourite dress. It was a well-known fact in Rivendell that Arwen did not even let people near her wardrobe at all, let alone actually lending someone an item of clothing. Something was amiss. And where exactly _was_ Arwen, anyway? Panic suddenly seized Argileth, instantly putting an end to her good mood. What had Melodiel done to Elrond's daughter?

Melodiel, thank goodness, was too much lacking in normal-functioning brain cell structure to notice the colour drain from Argileth's face. And Argileth, thank goodness, was too sharp-eyed _not_ to notice that Melodiel was in an even more sickeningly cheerful mood than usual.

"Ah, 'tis a fair afternoon!" she sang in her fair voice. Argileth cringed.

"Good afternoon, my lady," she said, eying the perfection that was Melodiel warily. It was then that Legolas waltzed into the room (quite literally), very unlike his usual self. Not that this was too great a surprise – he had not been his usual self for what seemed like forever. Argileth had lost count of the time Melodiel had been occupying Rivendell.

"Oh, fair Queen!" Legolas cried, striding gallantly into the room. Melodiel, of course, gave a modest blush.

"Legolas!" she exclaimed (her exclamation nearly amounting to a squee). "Whyest doth call ye at this hour, when I am not eveneth dressedest for the occasionestetheth?"

"Melodiel fair, I do wish to speak with you."

"Oh, thou sayest that I am fair!" she giggled with theatricality (because for Sues it is actually possible to giggle with theatricality) and gave another modest blush, at the same time fluttering her ridiculously long eyelashes in a rather suggestive manner. Legolas gave another gallant stride and took her hand, planting a kiss on the back of it, her contradicting behaviour not appearing to bother him at all.

"And mean it I do!" he exclaimed dramatically, whilst Melodiel giggled and continued to send him flirtatious looks. Argileth rolled her eyes.

"I shall meet you in the garden," said Legolas in an undertone to the Queen of Sues, before sweeping out of the room in a state of joy. Melodiel sighed happily.

"This doth calleth for a celebrationeth!" she giggled excitedly, bubbling over with mirth, and filling all the hearts of those around her with joy (and Argileth with nausea). "Fie, I must prepareth!" With that she disappeared in a puff of pink smoke and glitter and flowers which left Argileth sputtering.

She just hoped Sauron would keep up his end of the deal and send help. Soon.

OoO

_A few hours beforehand. . ._

"NORBERT!"

Sauron's yells echoed around the whole of Mordor, and even Shelob in her foul cave wondered why the stones were tumbling down the walls. The Orcs were all quite puzzled at the sudden earthquake, and rather fearful of their Master's wrath, especially as he was using multiple exclamation marks. That could never mean anything good (and the Dark!Sue momentarily shut up in the ensuing minor tremors, even if it was only because Sauron was drowning out her 'fair' voice).

"NORBERT!"

The Witch King came hurrying to his Lord's aid as fast as his legs could carry him. Well, whatever he had in place of legs, anyway.

"You summoned me, o lord?" Sauron's Eye surveyed him calmly.

"Call Jacques-Robert. And send him to Rivendell immediately."

OoO

"One. . .two. . ._three_!"

Elenir once again hoisted Arwen up onto his shoulders with a grunt. She stood up as far as she could to see what was beyond the pink bars at the window.

"Move just a little left, Elenir—that's better." Elenir groaned. This was ridiculous. A bit of Arwen's skirt flopped over his eye, and he tried to blow it out of the way. The accursed piece of material just kept falling back into place.

"There's a bit of a drop to the ground," she commentated, whilst Elenir muttered under his breath. "But it's nothing we can't handle. Oh, and the view of the valley is just marvellous from up here!"

"Arwen? Do you mind?" he snapped. "Just—" Arwen shifted at an unfortunate moment, and that persistent bit of skirt went flying up his nose. He burst out with an almighty sneeze, and they both swayed unsteadily. Arwen shrieked and her hands went down over his eyes in her fright.

"I can't see!" cried poor Elenir, swaying this way and that.

"Aaaagh! Stop!" shrieked the Evenstar, flapping around hysterically.

"I would if you would remove your hands from my eyes!" She did so, only to have her arms encircle his head and her sleeves flop over his sight instead. He staggered around blindly with Elrond's daughter still yelling atop his shoulders, tripped over some useless object (a pink bowling ball, to be precise) and they both crashed to the ground in a heap.

"Ow," muttered Elenir, standing up and rubbing his rather sore rump. He would certainly be protesting if Arwen tried this again. The aforementioned elleth however was ignoring him and looking rather puzzled.

"I thought I saw a rather strange sight outside," she mused, after standing up and fixing her tousled hair. Elenir glanced at her.

"What exactly was this strange sight, my Lady?"

"I'm sure I saw a Balrog."

OoO

The light of the setting sun continued to pour out over the garden where Legolas was wandering lost in thought. Was he thinking about the Quest upon which the fate of the whole world rested? Doubtful. Was he wondering why he kept seeing things like pink butterflies, faeries and the occasional unicorn in Rivendell, when such things did not exist? Certainly not. Was he even contemplating why the sun had been setting for the past three hours yet it still wasn't night time and the setting was suspiciously perfect for a romantic meeting? Good guess, but no.

The one thing that was occupying his thoughts at that time was Melodiel. Ah, Melodiel! Whose hair can compare to thy golden tresses that verily outshine the light that comes from the sun? Whose eyes that are so blue with blueness and that reflect the deepest of emotions? Whose toe gunk emits the most wondrous of scents? Would that he might see her again, for even a fleeting moment, so that they might stare into one another's nostrils! Suddenly his Elvish ears pricked up as he heard a soft rustle behind him. Melodiel herself emerged from the trees at that moment. Quite by accident, of course. She was softly singing, a beautiful melody with words to this effect:

_A! Elbereth Gilthoniel_

_Sila lumenn' Galadriel_

_O menel palantir Silmaril_

_Uzbekistan ar Anduril!_

Legolas suddenly twitched, as though a rather nasty memory long forgotten had pierced his mind. Melodiel seeing this look cross the Elf's face quickly stopped singing – and everything was right again. His eyes once again held that lovelorn look as they fell upon Melodiel's perfect form. She sighed quietly with relief.

"My lady," he smiled, his heart dancing with joy at the sight of her. She looked sadly at the ground. Legolas was suddenly filled with concern at her sorrow.

"What is the matter?" he inquired with a frown. Melodiel heaved a sigh that resonated through her entire being, and through Legolas'. Her own deep grief wounded his heart, so closely were their hearts and minds interwoven into one.

"It's – just – oh, I cannot telleth thee."

"Oh, but you can! You can tell me anything!" Clearly encouraged by his willingness to listen to any outpourings of emotion she had she heaved another self-deprecating sigh.

"I ameth a Maia, dost thee knoweth?" Legolas was taken aback. A Maia, a powerful spirit of the Blessed Realm! But of course she had to be, what with her beauty and such great depth of reflective thought with no egotistic tendencies! Melodiel turned her azure eyes towards him, and he saw that they were like unto deep pools of water about to overflow with the most profound sadness. Yet she hesitated beneath the intensity of Legolas' gaze, not wanting him to see her suffering.

But as Legolas watched her his gaze softened. He was horrified to see a big tear slide down her perfect features.

"It's—it's," she stammered, "But ye wouldst not understandeth!" She burst into tears, and those crystalline blue wells of sorrow overflowed. And Legolas, being too engrossed in Melodiel's beauty and vulnerability, did not notice that the behaviour she was displaying was. . .somewhat familiar.

He captured both of her hands, and she looked away in utmost shame. But he turned her face towards his, and Melodiel saw the love and warmth in his eyes that said that he would understand, and that everything would be alright.

"It is so hardeth to be powerful," she wept quietly. "Forsooth, it is not my faulteth thatest I am so beautifuleth and perfectest and that everyone wantseth to be me!"

"Do not weep," he said tenderly, feeling the weight of her burden. "For were I by your side, your burden would be far lessened." She gazed into the depths of his eyes and a great joy and hope began to well inside her heart. They were close, so close together, that their heartbeats seemed one, as he slowly leaned down towards her and —

_CRASH!_

They both suddenly sprang apart, and a terrible roar brought about a rather abrupt end to the moment. Melodiel looked up in terror into the face of a fierce Balrog. He was crowned with flames, and the trees surrounding him were glowing brightly with the Dark Fire. She screamed – and her shrieks were not sounding particularly melodious at this time.

Argileth was standing nearby at her vantage point, grinning. Well, this had not been what she had expected – _but whatever works_, she thought. Jacques-Robert le Balrog de Morgoth, called 'Bob the Balrog' so often, now cracked his fiery whip impressively. Argileth's grin widened as the Demon of the Ancient World came bearing down upon the couple.

Legolas turned to Melodiel.

"Go, my Lady, for this creature is beyond any of us. Yet I would give my life to save you." Melodiel's beautiful eyes were filled with fright, but Legolas could see the courage there that made her a true queen.

"No!" she cried. "I shalleth stayeth here beside thee! I can takest on a Balrog! Thatest is nothingeth!" And it seemed to him that an inner light shone from her being – that, of course, accentuated her curvaceousness and allowed a moment for Legolas to admire her figure. In the midst of a battle against a formidable enemy, of course.

Argileth did not hear any of this revolting exchange of words, but she did see Jacques-Robert looking rather delighted at the prospect of having Sue for dinner. She hoped that the whole matter would not result in the Prince of Mirkwood also being finished off along with the Pink Horror, as he was actually tolerable when he was not being patronising. But she could not miss the 'occasionestetheth' of watching perfect Melodiel die as little shrieking pieces within the furnace that was the Balrog's large mouth. With interest she watched the Elf fit an arrow to his bow.

But soft! What is this? A pink sword suddenly flew with great speed (and lots of glitter) through the air to pierce the fiery heart of the Balrog. Argileth's eyes widened in horror. The demon fell to the ground, howling and writhing in agony. Melodiel stood without a drop of sweat marring her perfect face, and with her dress (or Arwen's, really) whipping around her figure. Reaching out her slender arm she put her hand up to face the Balrog and glaring at him defiantly she pronounced an awful Doom.

"Thou shalt diest!" she cried, as if the Balrog were not already obviously dying. Opening its eyes for a moment, the demon glared at her with a look so malevolent that she swooned before it, conveniently landing in the arms of the gallant Legolas Greenleaf as she fell. Thus Jacques-Robert met an untimely demise in the face of a Sue and her fearsome pink sword Narsilmaril.

Running as quickly as her legs could carry her, Argileth arrived near to where Legolas was sitting on the ground, with Melodiel lying still in his arms and not breathing. He did not notice the elleth's presence at all, absorbed in caressing the cheek (and I do mean the one on her face, by the way) of the beautiful fallen queen. A single tear formed in his eye and ran down his face.

"No," he whispered. "Don't leave me." Argileth pulled a face of undisguised bewilderment. Even Legolas would not stoop to such idiocy, surely!

Melodiel's blue eyes opened once more to look up at him, and Legolas saw the love shining from those azure depths, before they clouded over and he knew that she was gone.

Argileth snorted derisively in the midst of the tragedy. It was too much to be hoped for, that the Queeneth was dead. If she really were – well, Argileth glanced at Legolas sobbing manfully over her prostrate form. That spoke volumes. The body magically melted away, and flowers sprang where it had lain.

The elleth's predictions proved correct, for Legolas felt something move behind him. Turning quickly he saw a bright light shining from a slender form, as if it were one of the Maiar from the Blessed Realm. Shielding his eyes against the dazzling light, this slender form ceased to shine, because she knew her brightness was too great for mortal lands. Legolas looked up and saw his love standing in the moonlight (because it was one of those rare occasions in which Melodiel saw fit to allow night time in the world), the wind stirring her dress.

"Oh Melodiel!" he cried exultantly, falling at her feet.

"Oh, no, good sireth, arise!" she protested modestly, because she was not in any way an egotistical [insert favourite nasty word]. But Legolas refused to get up, instead exclaiming,

"You have saved my life, fair Melodiel!" and weeping amid his joy.

"Oh, itest was nothingeth," she replied, blushing, because it really is nothing to slaughter a powerful spirit embodied in the form of a demon that breathes the dark fire of Morgoth and can wither a whole army of Sues. He clutched her in his arms.

"If it weren't for you, I would not be alive at this moment."

"And that would'st be a shameth, wouldn't it?" Melodiel giggled. Legolas laughed.

"Your sense of humour is as great as your beauty."

Argileth's countenance remained devoid of any expression, save that one eye gave a slight twitch.

"I love you, Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee," he cried, and they shared a kiss beneath the moonlight.

"Will you marry me, fair Melodiel?"

"Well bechanc'd, of courseth!" she cried, throwing herself into his strong embrace. He picked her up and carried her all the way back to the Last Homely House, undoubtedly to share the good news with her Uncle Rondie.

And now let us complete the Sue-y moment of perfection with another fairly pointless Sue-y description.

Argileth, dressed in her old leggings and boots, tossed her tunic back. The wind stirred in her dark hair as she stared pensively (or crazily, whichever you prefer) into the silver face of Ithil, which seemed to beam down upon the moonlit earth with joy, no doubt as profound as Melodiel and Legolas's. She walked up to the body of the Balrog and sighed dramatically.

And with that, her fists curled up and her face uplifted towards the sky, her insane shrieks echoed eerily through the night.


	7. Histrionics In The Grand Manner

Thanks to you guys, Melodiel will be meeting a very nasty demise. *evil grin* Sorry it took so long to update. Read at the risk of your own sanity!

OoO

Argileth only began wandering back to the Last Urple House when the sun's light had not yet crept over the horizon, and the sky was still in twilight.

We must excuse her for her conduct as she had very good reasons to be cursing, swearing, and kicking things as she stalked off in a very black mood. After all, every attempt she had made to have that evil creature removed had been thwarted in some way or another, though she knew not what grace or favour protected Melodiel. Having dealt with many Sues in the past, she was quite experienced in the art; 'warriors' from 'distant lands', a lot of Tenth Stalkers, Aragorn admirers, Leggie lovers, Elrond enthusiasts, Boromir devotees – and even a Gimli's girl once – but after seeing so many of her endeavours go astray Argileth could not help but feel that the present task was something beyond her reach. And possibly even beyond Sauron's – after all, he had sent a Balrog to help her and Melodiel had even managed to kill that.

Sighing glumly she kept walking along next to a stream, not knowing that she was being watched as she was contemplating other things. This occasion was one that would call for a very large dosage of miruvodka, the true healing substance of Rivendell. She was so lost in her thoughts that she did not even notice someone loudly step on a twig.

This, perhaps, would explain why she nearly found herself with an arrow up her nose, not unlike Gimli when he was accosted by the Elves in Lorien. But technically, that has not yet come to pass, so we will ignore that. Instead, we will study the figure threateningly holding her arrow in Argileth's face.

Kyrie-Eleison Krysteena Krystalia Konfusion KanonKiller Kabana Kerfuffle **(1)** had long, flowing locks of dark, curling hair which was revealed when she pulled back her hooded jumper. Argileth raised her eyebrows. Well, she had not dealt with one of _these_ for a while – she was dressed in clothes that were from that place the Sues called 'real Earth', as if Middle Earth did not exist. Indeed, Kyrie-Eleison wore strange leggings that were made out of 'denim', as Argileth recalled, and had writing running across her loose upper garments in a rather convenient place.

Needless to say, although it would be amusing at least to dispatch another Sue to Mandos or wherever Sues went when they died, Argileth was not in any mood to contend with brainless beings.

"STOP!" cried the Sue imperiously, ignoring the fact that the elleth had in fact already come to a halt, especially with an arrow held a little too close for comfort to her nose. Argileth waved her hand impatiently.

"Step aside, mortal," she commanded (albeit a little hoarsely, given her vocal exertions last night), hoping that this case would not require solving by means of her fork (for alas, this was the only weapon Argileth had on her at the time – she wished she had taken her morningstar, or at least stolen one of Legolas's knives while he was — actually, she didn't really want to know what he was doing right now, especially since the last time she'd seen him he had been in My Lady Fair's company). Unfortunately the witless creature did not see the fey look in the elleth's face, and replied triumphantly,

"Y'all have entered the Realm of the Lady of the Hood. Y'all can't go back."

"Why is that?" asked Argileth, calmly surveying her fingernails, which were unpolished and did not resemble talons, unlike the Sue's.

"Because, this is like, my realm, and I like, say so." And she proudly tossed her head, hoping that some hott Elf would be walking past as she was doing so.

As it turned out, Lindir happened to be sauntering along somewhere at that moment, quite oblivious to the presence of the Sue, or of Argileth. Now, Lindir is one of those Elves who, as a result of not being, lyke, part of the movies, is rather ignored and forgotten – including by Melodiel. In spite of this, having seen the plight of those more well-known Elves in regard to being relentlessly pursued by mad fangirls, Lindir did not feel any pangs of jealousy. In fact, he had been so blessed by the Valar as not to have ever had the misfortune of having fangirls.

Today was the first day that the Valar forgot about him.

"SQUEE!"

With an almighty screech Kyrie-Eleison Krysteena Krystalia Konfusion KanonKiller Kabana Kerfuffle dropped her weapony thingy!1! and bolted off in the direction of the blissfully ignorant Elf. Who, needless to say, did not remain ignorant, nor blissful, for too long.

He heard the Sue before he saw it, turning around in the direction of the squee, startled. A beautiful young woman suddenly appeared at the top of the hill in the strangest attire he had ever seen, her dark curls swaying in the wind and attractively backlit by the rising sun. His eyes widened, and in terror he ran for his life, Denim!Sue swiftly in squeeing pursuit.

Argileth suddenly remembered the cause of her misery when she saw Lindir darting off in a panic and was reminded of a much bigger Sue problem. Legolas was going to ask Elrond whether he could marry Melodiel, and Argileth had to persuade him otherwise. She quickened her pace.

"Arwen?" Elenir was lying on his back, almost ready to admit defeat and certain that it would be a good long time before he escaped from this nightmare of pink incarceration.

"Mm?"

"Did you by any chance happen to hear screaming last night?"

Arwen sat up and blinked at her companion in surprise. "Yes, I did – I thought maybe I was the only one who heard it." Elenir shook his head.

"It would have been impossible _not_ to hear – it was terrible. It sounded like a Ringwraith suspended on a tree by its hair."

"Or possibly that Balrog I thought I saw."

Elenir sighed. "These are dark days indeed if Balrogs invade Rivendell and Elrond walks abroad in pink and black attire."

"And pink tapestry of the most fearsome kind veils the walls of dungeons," added Arwen sarcastically. A pink spherical object with three holes in the top – incidentally the same object which Elenir had stumbled over last night – caught her gaze. Curiously, she picked it up and discovered that it was quite heavy. Her eyes lit up as a sudden bright idea struck her.

"Elenir? I think I have found a use for this . . ."

OoO

Argileth's heavy booted footfalls echoed down the hallway, as she purposefully strode towards Elrond's office. She began mentally listing all the things she would need to do after ensuring that Elrond would not allow Legolas to marry his 'niece'. A new plan for Melodiel's expulsion and death was needed – Argileth was not too sure how long it would take before she too lost her sanity, and if that happened the whole of Middle-Earth would be doomed to all things pink and glittery until the Valar intervened. Which might be never. In addition, Elrond's daughter needed to be found, as well as her friend Elenir. How she was going to do this, she had no idea, but —

Her thoughts were interrupted when a door opened and Aragorn emerged wearing naught but the Ring of Barahir and a pink towel around his waist. There was no need to ask where that came from. His face colouring slightly, he quickly walked past, leaving Melodiel's chamber door to swing itself shut.

The Ranger was followed a few moments later by two similarly clad Halflings, who tried to move past her without looking as if they had just been having a long bath in Melodiel's large ensuite.

_I will not ask_, thought Argileth, walking on and trying to remove all the quite frankly disturbing images that came to her mind. Things were bad enough with a cheesy Legomance taking place without Melodiel entertaining hobbits as well.

So _that's_ what her Fanclub members were getting up to. (Besides having Dodgy!Shakespeare poetry readings, of course.)

Rounding the corner, she was forced to stop when in the middle of the hall a strange scene was taking place.

In a defensive stance just outside his office door stood the Master of Rivendell, marvellously accoutred in a billowy white shirt, knee-length trousers and knee-high black boots. His black cape stirred dramatically behind him as he glared irately at his would-be son-in-law. On his head was a large black hat that partly covered one eye – and to top it all off the hat was adorned with an even larger and more ridiculous black feather. Argileth raised an eyebrow. Well. At least there was no trace of the pink-and-black Harlequin ensemble Elrond had been previously wearing. He somewhat resembled a Musketeer!Stu she once encountered a little before her coming-of-age.

Legolas, dressed somewhat similarly, was holding his chin up in defiance and glowering at Lord Elrond with all the rage of a blonde and pointy-eared D'Artagnan.

"You have not yet proved yourself worthy of my niece," said Elrond coolly, surveying his opponent. Legolas flushed angrily.

"Then I am willing to prove myself now, before you and before Lady Argileth!"

She did not pause to wonder why Legolas had even noticed her presence, only finding herself annoyed by the hated title 'lady'. Barely anyone took notice of her these days, especially when in the forced company of Her Royal Narcissism. Melodiel outshone everyone – especially her unimportant servant maidenetheth, who wasn't much worth looking at because she walked around in clothes that resembled Legolas's and she didn't have a pretty pink aura of joy glowing around her; nor was her chest modestly bursting out of her top.

"You would dare to fight so before a lady?" asked Elrond in disbelief.

"I will do whatever it takes to prove myself worthy of Melodiel, whether I must fight before a lady or no."

"Very well." Elrond drew his sword, and some dramatic music began playing in the background. Argileth looked around her in surprise, wondering where on Arda it could possibly be coming from. So this was an Overprotective!Elrond v. Valiant!Legolas scene – and done in costumes of the most ridiculous kind. Unusual, but somewhat amusing all the same. Mildly interested, Argileth stood at a good vantage-point and leaned against the wall.

Legolas glared at the Lord of Rivendell, and drew his own sword with a flourish. He neatly parried Elrond's move, and they swaggered along the hall with their odd-looking swords with shouts and cries.

"No! Stop!" cried out a fair voice, clear and strong. A flash of light suddenly appeared between the combatants, who both fell upon their knees in awe. Argileth didn't have to think much to realise who it was. The light faded, so that there was only a soft glow that only served to accentuate her curves. Her dress was blue and flowed around her perfect form so that it looked as if she were only clothed in water of the deepest seas. Tears welled up in her deep blue eyes and spilled over as she made an impassioned speech that touched the hearts of all who heard her.

"Pleaseth, I beg of thee, fighteth not! It would sucketh mightily if ye didst diest!"

Legolas lowered his head in shame, obviously completely unaware of the terrible usage of archaic words.

"Oh, Melodiel – forgive me. I only wished to prove myself worthy of you. I see now that I am not. I don't deserve you."

Melodiel was down on her knees in an instant, still managing to look as perfect as possible, her dress spilling onto the floor like water.

"Of course thee deserveth me!"

"Nonsense – he deserves someone far better than _you_, you shameless harlot," Argileth muttered. She never had liked Legolas much and couldn't understand why the Sues pursued him when he was so arrogant – but the bizarre clothing, the gushing over Melodiel, the melodrama . . . Not to mention, the activities the oh-so-chaste Queen had her Fanclub members engaging in. She blinked away the disquieting images that came to mind for the second time that day.

Legolas stood up and lifted Melodiel gracefully to her feet. He turned to Elrond.

"I love Queen Melodiel with all my heart." He clasped the beautiful, virtuous and perfect half-Maia to his breast.

Elrond smiled through his tears of joy.

"I know, Legolas. And you have proved yourself worthy indeed of Melodiel." _How?_ thought Argileth. By staring lovingly into her immense chest which was barely covered by a scrap of material?

That was a slightly disturbing reflection.

"Therefore," continued Elrond, "I give Lady Melodiel to you, and gladly bestow my blessings upon your marriage!"

There was a flash of light and all the individuals concerned suddenly appeared in the Throne Room, which heretofore had not been existent. Loud dance music blared out of nowhere, strange coloured lights flashed around the hall and the Elves of Rivendell were welcomed to a party in celebration of their beloved Queen's upcoming marriage. Said Elves of Rivendell gyrated and yelled loudly like a pack of crazed adolescent mortals.

A loud crash resounded from the lower levels, and seeing as everyone else was too busy wiggling and jumping around Argileth decided to investigate. Knocking over a Cupid which was dancing on its cloud she quickly extricated herself from the situation and closed the door, even though the noise of the music pounded through the walls. Once she found herself out in the corridor another crash echoed through the House. Surely it couldn't be coming from – dungeons? Rivendell never had dungeons - it was a place of healing, for goodness' sake! But apparently there were some, instituted from the time of Melodiel judging by the omnipresent colour of urple. Argileth stopped in front of one of the doors, shaking her head.

Well, it wasn't too surprising for Melodiel to own a set of dungeons, if it meant she could imprison people that might potentially disrupt her perfect life – especially other Sues.

There was a splintering crash and a round pink object flew out inches away from the tip of her nose and hit the wall. She whipped around to the door, which had a decent-sized gap in it, and picking up the pink object prepared to hurl it back in the direction from whence it came. But seeing who was standing behind the badly-damaged door sudden shock replaced her anger.

"Arwen? Elenir? What are you doing down here?"

OoO

**(1)** 'Kyrie Eleison' is once again adapted from the name of a past Mary Sue. It also means, rather appropriately, 'Lord, have mercy'.

**Thanks for reading! Please take the time to leave a comment – it doesn't go unappreciated!**


	8. A Delegation From Mordor

When on earth is Legolas going to wake up and smell the perfume? And how on earth will this Sue be gotten rid of? Read on to find out!

This bit of madness is dedicated to Xaja Silversheen!

Warning: The usual nonsense. Except even more nonsensical.

OoO

Argileth stared open-mouthed at the two Elves imprisoned on the other side of the door. The gap which had been made was still not large enough for either of them to escape through without getting wooden splinters in very unpleasant places. She glanced down in consternation at the missile which had narrowly missed her a mere few seconds ago.

"What is that?"

"That," answered Elenir, somewhat sarcastically, "is what we have used to make this hole in the door."

She rolled her eyes in response. "Yes, I think we have established that already – but what is it?"

A slight smile quirked on Elenir's face. This was the first time they had seen each other for months and instead of joyful reunions and concern for one another's welfare they were exchanging sarcastic witticisms. How typical.

"That matters not," interrupted Arwen. Then, in an anxious tone, "Would you inform us of what has passed during the time that we have been here?" she asked.

"If you mean what has happened to Aragorn, I may satisfy your curiosity, but you may not like the truth." Argileth exhaled before continuing. "The last I saw of Aragorn was when he came out of Melodiel's chambers in a pink towel."

Arwen's expression contorted with rage as her fingernails sunk into the arms of a pink chair which furnished their place of imprisonment. "What —"

"If it consoles you, my lady," interjected Elenir hastily, "we know not what he was doing in there. He may have been simply using her – erm, bathing facilities?" Arwen shot him a look which was a more feminine version of her Adar's Eyebrows of Doom, and only slightly less imposing on account of her wearing a dress. "What else has transpired while we have been here?"

"Legolas of the Woodland Realm is engaged to the creature," Argileth replied, placing a disgusted emphasis on the last word. "Though not without having to gain your Adar's approval," she added, nodding to Arwen. "How did you come to be imprisoned?"

"Pure jealousy on Melodiel's part, I assume," answered Arwen. "She burst in with some of her guards one day, accused me of being too – 'prettiful', I believe was the term she used – and had me taken down here."

"And you, Elenir?"

Elenir looked slightly uncomfortable. "Well, I, er — "

Arwen glanced at her discomfited cell-mate and told Argileth flatly, "He refused to comply with her nonsense." Argileth blinked in surprise.

"Have you done anything to get rid of this Thing?" asked Elenir.

She sighed. "Everything I have done so far has ended in failure. Even the Balrog—"

"So it really was a Balrog we heard last night! Well, that explains something."

"Indeed. And so—"

"Wait." Arwen rose from where she was sitting and walked up to the decent-sized hole in the door, curiously. "Exactly _where_ did you pull the Balrog from?"

Argileth's face drained of colour. Of course – she had forgotten to inform her friends that she had turned to Sauron for help. Yes, help from Mordor, against whom Rivendell was set in deadly enmity. Her palm found her forehead just as a groan escaped her.

"Sauron sent the Balrog. I have not the slightest idea how, but it happened. He promised to help me get rid of Melodiel because her demise would mean the end of whatever creature plagues him right now."

"Please tell me you jest." Absolute horror was written on both Arwen and Elenir's faces. Argileth shook her head.

"I'm afraid not."

Arwen fell back onto the pink armchair. "What will Adar say?"

"Not much, right now." She smiled humourlessly. "He thinks Melodiel's his niece."

"And my cousin, I suppose. Well, there's nothing much we can do about this, except—"

A sudden piercing screech rent the air, long and loud. Argileth's first thought was that Melodiel had spilled something onto her favourite dress, but it sounded far more menacing. She quickly turned to the others.

"I have to go."

"What do you want us to do in the meantime?" demanded Arwen. "We cannot just stay here!"

"You will have to, for now, unless you can find a way to remove this door. I will return."

"But—"

Argileth stopped and turned towards the others. "I give you my word that I will return," she called back hastily, her voice echoing down the hall of the dungeon before she ran back into the light.

OoO

The sky had darkened somewhat – actually, it had darkened quite considerably – and outside in the courtyard were nine large beasts with their owners clad in black robes crowded together. There was not a single Elf in the vicinity (which is understandable, given the nature of the newcomers) apart from Argileth, who glanced upwards at the sky approvingly before turning to the party assembled before her. The tallest of the black-clad figures stepped forward and rasped harshly, "To whom are we to speak?"

So Sauron had sent more help. On one hand she was quite grateful that the Dark Lord had adhered to his promise (which I suppose showed exactly how desperate he was to be rid of his own menace at Barad-dûr). On the other hand, Arwen was right – her father would not be pleased once he awoke. She winced. Hopefully Elrond would never hear about how she had admitted several creatures of evil into the Last Homely House.

"You are to speak to me," she answered the tall hooded being without a face. The figure looked down his nose at her. Figuratively, of course.

"You?" He shook his head. "To an elleth?" Argileth's scowl caused him to quickly make amends. "Alright. I am Norbert, former Witch-King of Angmar. This here is my vice-captain, Mr. Jack Schytte." And here another figure clad in black robes came forward and inclined his head. Well, presumably he inclined his head, judging by the way the robes moved.

"Argileth of Rivendell. I presume Sauron gave you instructions?"

"We were told that we were to dispose of one Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee. Where is she?"

A burst of song came forth from one of the open windows, and some birds flocked to the windowsill, singing in answer – to the tune of 'I've Been Dreaming Of A True Love's Kiss', if you want to know. Eugh.

"She should not be hard to find," said Argileth in a monotone. With that the Nazgûl charged away to find the Sue, Norbert and Jack Schytte at the forefront.

The delegation stopped in one of the corridors, the voice having finally ceased singing impossible melodies and long trills.

"It's a good thing she finally shut up," muttered Norbert.

"She does sound a little better than the one back at The Tower though," quoth his companion thoughtfully. Norbert considered this for a moment, then shuddered. His Lord really was having quite a difficult time battling the urple forces of the Sue. Right now, however, they had more important matters to think about. For example, where in the name of Melkor's shoes they were. Norbert turned to Jack Schytte.

"Where exactly are we?"

OoO

Melodiel, completely and blissfully unaware of the presence of a very real threat to her pink and urple existence, had merrily skipped down one of the back staircases and headed out to the gardens. It should not come as a surprise that Legolas simply happened to be there wandering around in a trance, a loopy grin making his countenance look less like it belonged to a stern young Elf warrior than a mentally challenged rabbit. Upon seeing his beloved he picked a large pink flower, knowing that the colour was her favourite, and presented it to her.

"Why, thanketh thee!"

"'Tis my pleasure, meleth nin," he replied. Melodiel had no idea what _meleth nin_ was supposed to mean – it could've meant 'you purple-faced baboon' for all she knew – but she giggled in delight anyway.

"It's so wonderfulleth to see thee," she cooed happily, as if their separation of a whole half an hour had been a sore trial on their love.

"How have you been?" asked Legolas, sitting down with her on a bench which happened to be there.

"It is so hardeth," she reflected with profundity, "to organise a wedding. Ethly forsooth." Despite the fact that she had others organising it, of course. Since when does a Queen have to do any work? That was Melodiel's line of reasoning – if you could call it that.

"Meleth, my sympathies overflow from the depths of my soul like the mucus from my nose when I cry for love of thee."

A fell shriek sounded upon the air, and terror fell upon the seated individuals. Or would've fallen, if it weren't for the fact that Legolas does not fear mortals and Melodiel, being far too perfect to stoop to such lowly emotions, doesn't fear anything. Except, perhaps, the closure of the Gap of Rohan's massive shopping centre due to Orc attacks. _Anything_ but the Gap. In fact, this thought was precisely the one which momentarily flashed across her tiny mind.

In the meantime Legolas had leapt off the seat, his knives already unsheathed. All nine of the Nazgûl emerged from behind a menacing pink cloud which happened to be obscuring their vision. Although they admittedly looked rather ridiculous, their black forms stepping through the glitter, they managed to make Melodiel give a horrible shriek which echoed through Rivendell and could be heard in Moria.

There was a chorus of coughing and spluttering, which unfortunately put an end to the frightening spectacle. The Ringwraiths all waved their invisible, decomposed arms around in an attempt to clear away the stifling glittery air. Once this had been done, the Witch-King Norbert pulled out an evil-looking blade and with lightning speed flapped his way over to the Shakespeare-talking-Maia!Sue. Melodiel opened her mouth and let out a bloodcurdling scream.

OoO

Argileth was beginning to be troubled by the persistence of the sunshine and faeries after a while. It was true that the dark clouds hovering over Rivendell were still not exactly friendly-looking, but other than that she had had no sign of Melodiel's demise. At first she dismissed the continued existence of the unusual climate as being just an after-effect of Melodiel's detested presence. But now it was worrying. Perhaps Norbert and his company of merry men – or Morgul men, really – had gotten lost. She waited for a while longer. The Nazgûl would no doubt be able to get rid of the creature, she thought as she stood there anxiously. After all, they were the most feared beings of sorcery next to Sauron himself.

At last she couldn't stand it anymore and left in search of them. Surely nothing could possibly have happened to the Nazgûl, of all people! Of all dead people, anyway. Bursting in through the door she raced past Elrond's office and into the Throne Room, which she realised with a terrible sinking feeling still existed.

The party was still in full swing, with drunken Elves jumping and gyrating in every direction, but to new music. In horror Argileth stared at the impromptu stage which had been set up, and upon which nine shapeless black robes were dancing, adorned with large, chunky pieces of jewellery.

"What is going on?" cried Argileth, beginning to feel whatever was left of her sanity wash down the Baranduin. Norbert turned to her and held up the chain around his neck, from which swung a ridiculously large circular pendant.

"We're the Blingwraiths, yo!" he yelled over the top of the pounding music. Melodiel and her husband-to-be entered the room at that moment and suddenly everything turned into the usual regal setting, a red carpet running down the middle of the room. Melodiel walked up to her throne and sat down upon it whilst all the Elves looked on in awe.

The elleth remained rooted to the spot, unable to move or say anything, so great was her shock. _Blingwraiths?_ Good Lords of the West.

It is an unfortunate fact universally acknowledged that when one thinks it can't possibly get any worse - it does.

The doors suddenly burst open and a blinding light streamed through, attractively backlighting a tall female figure. Tremblingly a herald announced that one of the guests had arrived for the upcoming wedding.

_With any luck_, thought Argileth, _this guest of hers will be Morgoth_._ Carrying a mace._

Melodiel jumped off of her royal seat and ran excitedly down the middle of the hall.

"Mother!" she squealed happily.

OoO

**Like it/can't stand it? Please take the time to tell me what you think!**


	9. The Wedding from Udun

Thank you to everyone who has faved this, and special thanks to whoever is still reading and reviewing. :)

This chapter is dedicated to TindomerelofNargothrond from CoE. :)

OoO

"This is hopeless," sighed Arwen, folding her arms miserably as she sat on her bed. "We might as well face it. We cannot get out, unless Argileth remembers to come back for us, and that is unlikely."

"She promised that she would," replied Elenir, pacing around the room and occasionally checking the walls and floors for any hidden doors through which they could escape. He turned towards his companion. "Do not lose hope, my lady."

Arwen gave him a weak smile in response. Elenir bent down underneath a shelf to check behind a pink tapestry of some sort, making a low noise of disgust when all he found was hard stone and a poof of pink glitter that made him sneeze.

"I have it!"

This rather uncharacteristic exclamation from the daughter of Elrond caused Elenir to slam his head into the shelf that hung above him.

She strode over to the door and studied it.

"I would not be surprised at all if this door were controlled by password."

"Password?" echoed Elenir, rubbing the back of his head.

"Yes."

"I do not think it likely," answered Elenir, rather dryly, "because surely the door would have opened by now after it has heard every expletive uttered in four Elvish dialects."

Arwen turned on him exasperatedly. "Have you any better ideas?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." With a few strides he reached the door and stood next to her. They both stared at the hole caused by the bowling ball earlier. "Thanks to your throwing that round pink object through it, the door's structure is now weakened. If we push at the base of the hole, just here—" He indicated with his hand. "—then part of it should give way and we shall be able to crawl through."

She looked a little reluctant. "Very well."

He pushed the wood just below the part of the entry that had been smashed, and some of it gave way. The wood was not one that he was familiar with; it was thick yet quite brittle. Not enough came off with the shove. So, partly fuelled by frustration, Elenir gave it a well-aimed kick.

But instead of creating a larger hole through which the Elves could escape, the door creaked and protested on its hinges and with a deafening crash fell down completely, sending up a rather impressive cloud of dust. The two Elves looked at each other and shrugged.

"Thank you," said Arwen, lifting her trailing skirts a little so that she could tentatively step out into the dark corridor. "Come, let us go and find Argileth."

OoO

In the meanwhile Elrondia Dictionariel Thesaurusala Indexia Encyclopaedia MiddleEarthica excitedly exchanged squeals and shrieks with her daughter in the middle of the Throne Room.

"Oh, I knew thou wouldst cometh!" cried Melodiel through her tears, managing to sound almost grammatically correct even in the midst of her excitement. 'Almost' being the operative word.

"But of course I wouldst! Thou hast not forgotten thy trusty palantir, hast thou, daughter?"

Now that the mother of Melodiel had pulled back Argileth could get a decent look at her. She looked almost identical to Melodiel, almost as impossibly beautiful, but Melodiel not being able to exist without being the centre of attention, the mother was still outshone by her daughter. They both shared perfect features, with the same golden hair rippling down their backs, the same large cerulean eyes, the same slim figures. Not to mention, the 'modest' attire. Her Shakespeare!talk was at least more recognisable, thought Argileth, though no less annoying.

"Yea, for I hadst forgotteth that there wast no phone lines in Aman. Mother, I hast so much to telleth thee and we have a wedding to plan and thee must meet Leggie and —"

Argileth tuned out. So this was Melodiel's mother. How anyone could mother such an abomination was beyond her. She was distracted when Melodiel popped up in her face in a poof of pink glitter and butterflies.

"Gil, sweetie, canst thou tak'st this down to the kitchens for Sam? Eth? Thank thee!"

The elleth nearly choked on the glitter that flew up her nose and mouth. Waving away the foul air and smacking away a persistent butterfly, she opened up the piece of paper that the Sue had handed her. It was a list of low-fat lembas recipes, and Her Highness had requested that Sam cook double, in order to cater for Mummy Dearest, who was now a guest of honour. Rolling her eyes she went down to the kitchen to fulfil My Lady Fair's request.

"Sam?" Opening the door she poked her head in and looked around. Her eyes widened. There were pots and pans everywhere, unwashed dishes, and a cauldron of soup standing over the fireplace with a skin forming over it. Pinned to the walls were orders for dinner and recipes covering nearly every inch of tile. Horrified, she stepped inside and nearly tripped over a pot that was lying just in front of the door. As can be expected, she hissed a curse and closed the door behind her.

Lying on the table in the midst of the chaos was Samwise Gamgee, snoring and clutching a plate of highly nutritional 97% fat-free low sugar high-in-fibre chocolate muffins. The poor hobbit was exhausted, so much so that sleeping on a hard wooden table surrounded by cooking utensils was somewhat appealing when faced with the alternative of endless cooking.

Despite the fact that the muffins were low-fat and low-sugar, Argileth was feeling decidedly hungry and reached out for one. Sam immediately awoke and seeing a random elleth hovering in front of his face sat bolt upright and yelled. Argileth considered shrieking back until it occurred to her that if she did so, every last vestige of her sanity might disappear.

Sam was the first to talk. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that," he apologised humbly, seeing the terrified look on the Elf's face.

"All is well, Master Samwise. I should apologise for trying to steal one of your muffins."

"Oh, that's alright. Here, have another one." He held out the plate. Argileth didn't hesitate to take two more and put them in the pocket of her tunic. Sam glanced around the kitchen and he gasped.

"Oh no – I left the soup!" He sprang off the table with lightning speed and ran to the cauldron, leaving the elleth standing behind, rather amused. "Oh, and the dishes, and the pots, and—" Stopping there he recollected himself. "Well, there's nothing for it – I'll have to clean all this up before Lady Melodiel comes."

"No, do not trouble yourself – I will help you."

"Are you sure? Pardon me but there's a lot to do and I wouldn't want to—"

"Never you mind that. I will tidy this kitchen myself if I have to. You are tired and overworked. Go and sleep." She watched him flop onto the table (as there was nowhere else to go) and he fell asleep almost straight away.

Argileth sighed. She had no idea how she was going to get all this cleaned up, but she had made a promise to the Hobbit. She slumped against the wall and rubbed her eyes. If this is what old age feels like, she thought, it's no wonder the mortals hate it. It would take her two days to tidy the place, with this state of things. Elrond would be horrified. It wasn't Sam's fault, though – it was Melodiel's.

Suddenly Argileth was hit with a thought. If Melodiel had made this mess, Melodiel could tidy it up. Indirectly, of course.

OoO

It probably was not Melodiel's intention that her little animal friends that usually frolicked about in the gardens should end up cleaning the kitchen. It was probably also not her intention that Argileth should be standing at the door, innocently laying a hand upon her bow whenever Melodiel's animals showed any signs of slacking off on the job.

"Come on!" she cooed in the same giggly voice that she'd heard from the PineO'Cleen!Sues that were obsessed with cleaning everything by means of dancing around, singing songs with animals, and seductively twirling brooms. One chipmunk glared at her reproachfully, whereupon Argileth whistled cheerfully and began to polish her knife. The animals turned back to their work, all with a little more energy and enthusiasm.

OoO

Erestor was a highly intelligent Elf. Well, it is assumed so, since he was an esteemed councillor of Elrond in the pre-Melodiel era. So, being the highly intelligent Elf that he was, he sensed the arrival of the powerful Mary Sue very quickly and, before she had a chance to work her spell upon him, stole Elrond's keys and promptly locked himself in the library. Samwise, being the only hobbit in the vicinity not entirely under Melodiel's spell (meaning that he wasn't a member of her infamous Fanclub), and also having been appointed Head Cook (which would have been much to his liking had it not entailed the constant catering for Melodiel's affinity for odd delicacies and low-fat desserts), provided the self-imprisoned Elf with his meals, since he refused to come out from his chosen place of exile. This was done by shoving a plate with the required food on it through a crudely-cut square hole in the door (crafted by the intellectually brilliant but technically unskilled Elf. No, scratch that – he was very skilled technically, but this was all he could manage with the Shard of Narsil he happened to have on him at the time. Do not ask me how in name of Manwe's shoes he came into possession of a Shard of Narsil.).

Thus Melodiel remained completely unaware of his existence, as did the Mary Sues that still occasionally landed in Rivendell. No one bothered to go to the library these days, for who had need of education when Melodiel was the fulfilment of everyone's dreams? Besides, had anyone dared to venture near the place, they would have quickly cleared off at Erestor's angry yells to be off. Erestor was not a particularly patient ellon and the situation had brought out the worst in him.

He would not have hidden in the library if it were not for the fact that these days even the ancient books of lore were more suitable company than the Elves of Imladris that were constantly giggling and not making a word of sense. Quite frankly, he was tired of being thought of as 'the librarian' of Rivendell. He was a councillor, not some dry old studier of lore! But it was the only place that was even remotely sane, and the only place that didn't have pink flowers sprouting out of the walls.

Currently, our Elf was sitting in a dark corner of the library, as far away from the fell urple light that shone through the windows as possible. From many months of not being able to wash his dark hair, or change his clothes, or even sleep properly thanks to the incessant singing and chirping outside, Erestor was looking far from his usual neatly-groomed and dignified self. In fact, he was looking quite dishevelled and sleep-deprived, and, as much as he would have liked to deny it, lonely. Actually, in this state, he was looking rather yummilicious (though I am afraid that I cannot say the same for his smell).

Unbeknownst to him, someone had managed to find their way to the library and open the door, so silently that even Erestor with his sharp hearing had not noticed. They quietly made their way across the worn and patterned carpet.

"Like, Erestor, honey?"

The Elf's eyes widened in horror.

OoO

"Do you, Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee, Queen of Rivendell, Empress of the Elven Realms, Lady of All Urple, Daughter of Random Maia and Elrondia Dictionariel Thesaurusala Indexia Encyclopaedia MiddleEarthica, take Legolas Thranduillion, Prince of Mirkwood, Elven Representative of the Fellowship, President of the 'Save the Trees of Arda' Society, to be thy husband?"

The weather wasn't as perfect as Melodiel would have liked, as the aforementioned individual had complained in front of the mirror a few hours beforehand, because the dark clouds brought by the Nazgul somewhat took the cheeriness out of the day. However, the singing birds and flowers and pixies were in no short supply so we may assume that she was comforted by this.

'Gil sweetie' was standing nearby in a dress that was such an awful shade as to be unidentifiable as anything other than 'off-urple'. It was perhaps fortunate that the dress was not preposterously frilly and the style somewhat resembled something that an ordinary elleth would have worn before The Pink Reign of Melodiel, but it was still ridiculous. "Now, now," Melodiel had chided her loyal servant maidenetheth that morning, wagging her finger as though talking to a small child, "you shouldst not be playing with such dangerous weaponseth," when Argileth wanted to take her knives, even when she insisted it was for My Lady's own protection. Argileth was fuming.

The celebrant was in fact one of Melodiel's Urple Guard, dressed in a Swiss guard-like uniform, except frillier. He managed all this in one breath and had to gasp for air at the end. Melodiel giggled and fluttered her ridiculously long eyelashes.

"I do."

"Awwwww," sighed the Elves present happily. The Queeneth was wearing a dress with the most humungous puffed sleeves trimmed with lace that nearly obscured her modestly-bared chest (but not quite). From her waist the dress was puffed out in a wide circle and there were pieces of lace and ribbons and superfluous bits of material that were stuck all over it. There was a long piece that trailed behind (and over which the Sue miraculously managed not to trip) and the whole skirt was arranged in folds that perfectly complemented her – hair? I suppose that adequately completes our Sue-y description (and makes about as much sense as a real one). But I digress – let us now follow the ceremonies with the appropriate levels of horror and sadistic amusement.

"I think," Argileth thought to herself as she struggled to stay awake, "that Legolas is marrying an elaborately decorated cushion."

"Do you, Legolas Thranduillion, Prince of Mirkwood, Elven Representative of the Fellowship, President of the 'Save the Trees of Arda' Society, take Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee, Queen of Rivendell, Empress of the Elven Realms, Lady of All Urple, Daughter of Random Maia and Elrondia Dictionariel Thesaurusala Indexia Encyclopaedia MiddleEarthica, to be thy wife?" choked out the Urple Guardsman, turning slightly blue in the face at the end.

"I do." Needless to say, some of the Sues present were nearly bawling their eyes out at the fact that their beloved Leggie now belonged to another.

"Do you each solemnly swear to love and cherish the other, as long as you both shall live?"

"We do."

"Do you each solemnly swear to sacrifice whatever it takes for each other, giving up even unto the last cookie that sitteth on the plate in the kitchen?"

And so the vows went on and on, in a similarly silly nature, whilst Argileth was by now leaning against the gold railing that had been set up, trying not to fall asleep. The insomnia was catching up on her – she had been only a little tired and fairly energetic in the beginning, but now she was exhausted, more tired than she had ever been, and that really should not happen to Elves. She stifled a yawn and caught the last words of the celebrant, "—may kiss the bride."

The crowd surged forward, cheering loudly, and the loyal servantmaidenetheth quickly jumped out of the way and quietly retreated.

Oddly enough, she did not feel anything after walking away in a trace-like state and gracelessly plopping herself down at a picnic bench (who knows how it got there). She knew that right now, she should be experiencing the usual feelings of revulsion, misery, and dry amusement. But she didn't.

Reaching under the seat, she found exactly what she was looking for in the form of a hidden door in the ground. It was about time to break out the miruvodka.

OoO

Arwen and Elenir were at this point both standing someplace nearby, hidden from view and watching the proceedings, with mixed feelings. Which is perfectly understandable, given that Melodiel was giggling away beneath the canopy with her new husband and Mummy Dearest was eying off her daughter's illustrious Fanclub.

"This is disgusting," muttered Elenir, waving away a butterfly that flew into his vision.

"I agree," answered his companion. Turning to Elenir, she said, "I must find Adar and try to talk to him. You find Argileth, and then we will decide what to do next."

"Yes, my Lady." He turned abruptly on his heel and made his way in the direction that his friend had stomped off towards. It did not take long to find where she had gone.

She barely looked up when he sat down next to her.

"Hello. So I see that you have managed to break free of your in—incar—imprisonment."

"I have."

"Where's Arwen?"

"She has gone to find Master Elrond."

"Please excuse me," she said after a moment, "if I am not myself." She held up the empty miruvodka bottle. It only dawned on Elenir at that moment the reason for Argileth's being unable to say 'incarceration'.

"You have been drinking." he said flatly, ignoring the fact that he was stating the obvious. She held up a finger as if to point out an important discovery.

"Yes, but as you can see, I am still perfectly sensible." Suddenly there was an odd noise, a little muffled, that erupted from somewhere within the numerous folds of Argileth's bridesmaid's dress. Elenir thought it was music of some sort and wondered greatly that he could hear voices raised in harmony coming out of his friend's skirts (though it was a little squeaky). The elleth searched frantically around in her dress before she pulled out a small pink object. She glanced at Elenir apologetically, and a little sheepishly. "I am sorry – these 'Backtrack Boys' are not bad singers, for mortals." Elenir's brow furrowed even further. Who in the realm of Arda were _they_?

After a few unsuccessful attempts to flip it open, she awkwardly put her fingernails underneath the lid and answered, "Hello?"

"Greetings," came an unfamiliar voice from the other end. The first thought that occurred to the Elf was that it was Sauron or one of his chief minions, until she remembered that all nine of his chief minions were currently providing the music at the after-wedding celebrations. That, and the voice was that of a female. Unless Thuringwethil had managed to get her vampire form back and had taken to harassing Rivendell residents purely out of boredom. . .?

"Who is this?" demanded Argileth, pushing aside the random thoughts that flooded her head.

"I am Araloth the Random."

"Whose side do you fight for?"

"Yours, of course. And it is about time that you remembered a certain powerful piece of jewellery that Melodiel has in her possession."

Of course! Argileth could have jumped and sang for joy then slammed her head repeatedly against a tree for not realising the one of the most obvious and glaring details.

"So you are saying that Melodiel's power depends upon this piece of jewellery?"

"Indeed."

A wide grin spread over her face. But she was still curious as to who the stranger was.

"How did you know about Melodiel's Ring of Power?"

"Because I do," came the simple reply and then her voice was heard no more. Argileth snapped the phone closed. The Other Ring to Rule the Rest of Them! How she could have forgotten something like this was simply unforgiveable. But there was no time for regrets – they had to find out more about this 'Ring of Power' before any of that.

In her excitement she forgot about the effects of strong miruvodka and promptly tripped over, her head spinning. A pair of boots moved into her vision.

"I think you should remain here for a while," said Elenir gently.

"No – there is no time to lose," she mumbled as she staggered to her feet and collapsed against Elenir. She sighed. "Remind me never to drink again."

"You always say that, and then you end up drinking anyway."

The light suddenly dimmed, weather changes being rather frequent in Rivendell these days, and the sun was setting for no logical reason. Argileth suddenly felt a wave of overwhelming tiredness wash over her and she could not stifle a yawn as Elenir took her to sit beneath a large tree and plonked himself beside her on the grass. It was not long before she had laid her head upon her friend's shoulder and fallen asleep.

OoO

**Reviews usually motivate me to try and update quicker. Except in the case of studying for exams, which of course tends to slow down the progress of my fanfiction. But I would still love to hear what you think! :)**


	10. Of Surprises And Miruvodka

Thank you all for your comments. :)

This chapter dedicated to RiverOtter1!

OoO

Both of the Elves were suddenly awakened just before daybreak by a horrible screech that was somewhat reminiscent of the cries of a very small mortal boy when he was still known as Estel.

Argileth sat bolt upright, nearly whacking Elenir in the chin. Having done so she was immediately tempted to sit back and lean against him, because he was quite comfortable, but she was thoroughly shaken from sleep and the noise was very unsettling.

"What _was_ that?" asked Elenir, glancing around him as if he expected a horde of Orcs to leap out of the bushes behind them. Argileth was puzzled.

"It sounded like – a child."

A distinct wail echoed from Elrond's house (or Melodiel's house, currently) as if to confirm the truth of what she had just said. Even in the dim light Elenir could see Argileth's face drain of colour as she muttered some unsavoury things and began to run with lightning speed, not an easy feat when in a flappy bridesmaid's dress. He swiftly leapt to his feet and ran after her, his heart thudding in his ears uncomfortably.

They found the Last Homely House in an uproar, with Elves running around excitedly chattering in incoherent sentences.

"To think this could happen—"

"—so unexpected!"

"Prince Legolas must be so proud!"

Argileth swallowed heavily. This could only mean one thing.

Her worst fears were realised when another outburst shook the entire building and its source was a small bundle swathed in pink, its face resembling a squashed tomato with a small hole in it, from which screams unrelentingly emanated.

Currently the baby was being held by poor Legolas, who, with absolutely no knowledge of how to handle small children, was trying to calm it down.

Now, it may occur to readers that it is biologically impossible for a baby to be born in one night. But it may also occur to readers that anything is possible for a Mary Sue, especially one so vile and overwhelmingly powerful as Melodiel.

It came as rather a soul-crushing disappointment to Argileth that Melodiel and Legolas hadn't left on a honeymoon – their absence would have been useful in destabilising Melodiel's grip on Rivendell. As always, things would have to be done the hard way.

The aforementioned Sue swept into the room just as the sun rose, with no signs of having borne a child. Immediately the baby ceased to howl – though, Argileth noted with puzzlement, it looked terrified rather than appeased.

"What shall we name her?" asked Legolas, apparently the father, raising his voice over the noise. Neither of the parents noticed Argileth nor Elenir standing in the doorway, despite their dishevelled appearances and the pieces of grass sticking out from their braids – which, by the way, could have aroused suspicions of a most unpleasant nature.

"We shall name her. . ." Melodiel paused to think. Yes, you heard correctly – she was actually thinking. Then she snapped her fingers at her latest bright idea, the Ring of Power glistening as she moved. "We shall call her Anarildë-Ainulindalenna!"

Argileth cringed.

As if to protest against the injustice of having such a name the baby once again began to wail as loudly as possible, causing Melodiel to look somewhat surprised and Legolas to wince. Outside in the hallway were hysterical Elves whose sensitive hearing was being ruthlessly assailed by a small baby. Baby Sues are not meant to cry, as everyone knows, and the fact that little Anarildë-Ainulindalenna was causing a mudslide out in the valley was certainly – well, interesting.

Argileth pulled her friend out into the hall and said quietly, "We must try to capture this Ring of Power. If we do not, we will have endless additions to the family and mass hysteria in the Valley."

"Not to mention, crying Elves," muttered Elenir, noting the general hysteria taking place around them. "But Melodiel is constantly surrounded by her Urple Guard. How in the Void is it possible to take the Ring from her? We will both be imprisoned."

"Let us first go to the library and do some research. We will find a solution afterwards."

"You had better find a solution soon," interrupted a voice behind Argileth. Arwen was standing there, looking worried. "No other Sue has ever had this effect upon Adar before."

"Then we must hasten."

The three of them almost ran down the hallways, nearly slamming into random Elves, mythical creatures and even a stray Nazgul in their haste.

Now, if you recall, there was a certain Elf in self-imposed imprisonment who just so happened to be in the library at this moment.

However, our 'heroes', of-sorts, were completely unaware of this fact and so it came as a shock to them when upon opening the huge wooden doors they caught sight of the stately Lord Erestor swaying precariously on the top of a very long ladder and, rather uncharacteristically, hurling insults down at someone below. On closer inspection it was discovered that a girl with strange circular rims surrounding her eyes and blonde hair that sparkled in the urple light _and_ glittering emerald eyes **and** 'modest' clothes **AND** who was nothing short of perfect was in fact the object of Erestor's stream of abuse.

Who was this creature? Nerdy!Sue.

"In the name of the Blessed Realm, will you stop your incessant shrieking?" cried Argileth, feeling a headache rapidly coming on (which was quite possibly generated by the amount of miruvodka she had consumed the night before as well as the Sue's squeeing). The Nerdy!Sue immediately fell silent. Erestor, having only just noticed the presence of the other Elves, was so relieved that he nearly fell off the ladder. Nerdy!Sue, however, was not impressed.

"Who are you who dares to intrude upon this moment of pecuniary merits and superfluous auspices?" she sputtered. Argileth blinked. So this girl had a vocabulary – unlike other Sues – but had no idea what the words meant in the slightest. The Elf narrowed her eyes.

"I might rather ask who _you_ are who dares to enter Rivendell – nay, Middle-Earth – without permission."

The girl tossed her blonde head. "I am Annal'eah Smythe." She suddenly lowered her eyes and assumed a sad countenance. "I have a tragic past – my parents treated me cruelly, only giving me two Windows XP laptops and an iPod and a DVD player and a TV instead of the calculus books I wanted, and—"

"Stop." The Sue's mouth immediately snapped shut, her eyes wide with fright at Argileth's imperative tone. "No, I did not ask you for your life story, mortal. I asked for an explanation of your presence in Middle-Earth. We have enough Mary-Sues running around in this valley, not to mention, one who is running Rivendell – we do not need _you_."

"I am _not_ a Mary Sue!" she cried indignantly.

"Then pray tell why you are here."

"I'm here to save Erestor from his fate as a lonely and unloved bachelor!" Annal'eah wailed. Erestor's eyebrows shot up and his eyes widened in horror. He looked positively aghast.

"I beg your pardon!" he exclaimed.

"I said—"

"Silence!" thundered Erestor tempestuously. Erestor's Tone™ was the very one that caused even Elrond to reconsider his words during a heated argument. However, Annal'eah, being in fact almost devoid of intelligence despite her pretended interest in calculus ("Whatever _that_ is," thought Argileth), did not heed The Tone™ in the least and proceeded to launch herself at him.

"Keep that disgraceful creature away from me!" shouted Lord Erestor in a very – well, Lordly manner, for lack of a better word, jumping down from the ladder and pointing his hand commandingly in the direction of the Sue. Arwen and Argileth made short work of keeping her at bay and away from the poor Elf-lord.

"But the Valar sent me!" she whined.

"Aye, and 'twas Morgoth of the Valar who sent you!" spat Erestor.

"The Valar interfere not with the course of mortal lives, nor of Elves, these days, if you had bothered to read _The Silmarillion_ at all!" said Arwen exasperatedly, trying to restrain her. The Sue suddenly stopped struggling, a blank look replacing her. . .already blank look. Alright, her vacant look was become even more vacant to the point of vacancy being a redundant term of — good Lords.

"What's The Sillymarlion?" she asked. Unfortunately for Annal'eah Smythe, they were her last words. She disappeared in a puff of pink smoke, defeated purely by a book she had not taken the trouble to read before landing in Middle-Earth. The usual horrified distant shriek of the Suethor came echoing on the air, then all fell silent.

"Well," broke in Erestor, speaking at a normal tone for the first time that day, "may I ask why you lot have intruded on my solitude?"

Arwen narrowed her eyes. "Excuse me?"

Erestor looked slightly taken aback – only slightly, mind you – having noticed the presence of one of the most important ladies in the West of Middle-Earth, and swept a graceful bow, which remained graceful despite his dishevelled and smelly appearance. "My Lady. Do forgive my discourtesy."

"It is forgiven. Lord Erestor, we are here on a matter of grave importance, and but for our research you may still be imprisoned here for some time yet."

The prospects of being shut up in Elrond's extensive library for even longer were not looking particularly pleasant to the Elf-lord and he consented to aid them in their quest. So all four of the company began to seek for information on the Other Ring To Rule The Rest Of Them.

Two long hours later and none of the Elves had found what they were seeking. Master Elrond's library was extensive and well-ordered – nonetheless, there were no complete works on any of the numerous Mary Sues that had entered Middle-Earth, and the search for anything to do with Melodiel or her mysterious 'Ring of Power' had so far proved fruitless.

Anyone who walked into the library would have been staring at a bunch of very dejected-looking Elves.

"I say – have you any more of that miruvodka?" asked Elenir glumly. "I believe it is the only medicinal remedy known to cure the depths of despair."

"I agree with you whole-heartedly," sighed Arwen, who was met with surprised looks from the others. She looked around. "What? Do you think I never have alcohol every now and again?" Everyone blinked. "In moderation, of course," she added hastily.

"What exactly _is_ miruvodka?" Erestor turned around from where he was standing and looking thoughtfully at one of the shelves. "Where does it come from? I have never actually seen a recipe for it."

Argileth paled.

"Argileth?" Elenir looked concerned. "Are you alright?"

She nodded, with a blank expression on her face. Erestor was not convinced. "What troubles you, Argileth?"

She took a shaky breath. If she revealed the secret of miruvodka, she was revealing a great deal of her past that was only known to herself and Elrond. On further prompting she at last was prevailed upon to tell her horrible secret.

There had once been a particularly nasty Sue, supposedly some lost relation of Maglor, who was apparently still wandering the coasts of Middle Earth. She was found wandering lost near Rivendell, singing with a voice that captivated all who heard her, and it was only by the good will of Elrond's sons that she was not left, like most other Sues, to aimlessly wander around before dying a tragic death. Fortunately, because she was a _very_ young Sue, Elrond was able through his healing arts to cure her of all Sue-pidity and she became a normal Elf – except for one trait left from her dubious ancestry. It was said that Fëanor had been rather fond of alcohol and using the genius with which he was Eru-gifted he invented miruvodka, which he had passed to Maglor, and which Maglor had doubtlessly passed to his supposed relative.

The Sue was in fact Argileth's mother, who had departed Over-Sea with the rest of the family some time ago and who had left her Sue-hating daughter with this Sue-invented recipe.

Argileth hung her head in shame. This was awful. She would suffer persecution after this, branded a Sue-spawn and Elrond would be prevailed upon to give her endless Sue-therapy. Once, of course, this nightmare was over.

"Well, that is—interesting," mused Erestor.

This was not the reaction of horrified silence that Argileth was expecting. "Pardon?"

"It means," said Elenir, "that this is the only time in all of Middle-Earth Sue history that a Sue has actually done some good for the world."

Argileth snorted. "'Tis only alcohol."

"Aye, but miruvodka is like no other. Or do I tell a falsehood?"

Argileth reluctantly conceded that miruvodka, though in reality the invention of a clueless Suethor, was in truth like nothing else.

"In this particular case," concluded Erestor wisely, "you may be proud of your heritage. And," he added with a rare grin, "we know why the Valley is ever jolly."

This caused everyone to laugh heartily such as they had not done for a long time.

"Come, let us continue," said Erestor, and being a little more cheered they resumed their search for information. Argileth in particular was keen to continue, persistently searching through the books the others tossed aside. It was a while later when she happened to find a rather large leather-bound book, which when yanked from the shelf came with a cloud of dust.

"Ack!" she coughed, waving the dust out of the way. Good Lords, this book was ancient. But the title made her grin as a realisation suddenly dawned upon her.

"I think we have found something!" she exclaimed excitedly, causing Arwen, Elenir and Erestor to leave whatever they were perusing. The book's title was written thusly, in the ancient Beleriandic mode:

Of The Powers Of Mary Sue In Middle Earth – The Complete Works of Morgoth Bauglir

Ignoring the fact that the author was none other than the first Dark Lord, a fallen Vala of immense power, the Elves were almost ecstatic over the discovery. How on Arda Morgoth managed to have his work displayed in Elrond's library, or for his work to come out of the Void for that matter, was a mystery. But one which, I believe, we will be content to leave for now. In the meantime, let us return to our friends grinning madly at the cover of the book.

"Well, I do believe we are getting somewhere!" declared Erestor. "Now we must look up—"

_CRASH!_

A sudden noise not unlike thunder echoed through the stillness of the library, causing even the most wary of the Elves to jump. Erestor whipped around, his robes whirling about him impressively. Instinctively Argileth reached for her knives, only to remember that Melodiel had taken them from her the day before. That, and she was still in her horrible bridesmaid's dress. She cursed, though quietly for the sake of Arwen.

The cause of the ruckus was a tall Elven-woman, whose way of opening the door had left a dent in the wall from where the doorhandle had smashed into it. Her hair was in one long braid and she was dressed – surprisingly – almost exactly like the Prince of Mirkwood, complete with leggings, boots and tunic. A dagger was at her waist, its hilt carved with Elven runes. Clearly, she was Silvan – perhaps from Mirkwood.

"Who are you?" demanded Arwen on behalf of the group, who were all still in various stages of surprise and, in Argileth's case, irritation (as she was still trying to get her hands out of the numerous folds and pockets of her dress).

The stranger glared back, her hand coming to rest on the hilt as she calmly surveyed the others.

"I," she said in a musical voice, "am the wife of Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood."

OoO

Anarildë-Ainulindalenna is a random mushing-together of High-Elven elements and may well be the Elvish equivalent of 'Bippity-boppity-boo'. In other words, it means absolutely nothing at all.

Like it? Don't like it? Please tell me!


	11. Many Meetings

This chapter is dedicated to my highly random PM pal Jedi Master Luthien!

A note or two:

Hello everyone! In this chapter you may recognise a letter from labradorite's _Ask Elrond_ (an excellent fic, do read it if you haven't!). If you have read it, you may have noticed that I made regular contributions. I talked with labradorite a while ago and we agreed that I could use the letters I sent in because they are inventions of my own making. Please don't sue me for plagiarism! In any case it would be extremely difficult to plagiarise my own work, wouldn't it? ;)

~Araloth

_Replies to anonymous reviewers:_

**lijerfayecoop**: Hey, thank you for reviewing! I'd just like to point out that I _do_ in fact know that 'authoress' is not a word, and once you read the rest of the story, it might be demonstrated to you that I do have a working knowledge of the English language. I sometimes take the liberty of inventing words and I meant no harm by using _authoress_ instead of _author_. Thank you for pointing this out though. I know you meant well. :)

**Forest5**: I'm glad you're enjoying it. If I have made people laugh out loud, I have achieved my goal. ;) Thank you for reviewing!

**Tindomerel:** Hello! Yes, the unlikely 'heroes' of this story will have a lot on their hands dealing with this new arrival. . .but you'll find out all about that when you've read the chapter. Thank you for the review!

**Son'Amy24:** I think I ended up replying to your review through the PM system but technically you did review anonymously, I suppose. So thanks for reviewing!

**Emily:** Sorry, I meant to reply to your review for the prequel ages ago! My apologies. Honestly, girl, you need to get an account so I can reply to your reviews properly! Anyway, yes, I did think of that story during bio, and I forgot about it until one morning when I had a cold and typed it up and posted it. Random, I know. Thank you so much for your continued support for my stories!

**Candycane:** Technically your review was for The Fanfiction Testament but seeing as you said that you both were Anti-Sue authors I'll assume that you guys are reading this and I'll reply here! If so, and because we haven't met, welcome to the mayhem that is my writing. *bows*

So, in reply to your review: I'm very flattered that you guys like my writing! =D I definitely won't be quitting writing anytime soon – it's just that RL gets in the way a fair bit. About dropping in on The Portal Of Mayhem: I would be glad to read and review – if I actually knew a thing about Eragon. :( I only ever hang out in the Tolkien archives and know little about any other fandoms, because I'm a geek. ;) But if you ever decide to write a LotR fic or a Silmfic I'll be happy to stop by! Hey, it's okay to be on a high – I'm a pretty hypo person most of the time anyway, with or without the chocolate. So you support Glorfindel as the REAL owner of Asfaloth? That's great – I'll pass on the message to him. He'll be very pleased. ;) Yeah, I do think that Arwen's a bit of a Mary Sue but I'll let that one slip because Tolkien invented her and she is a canon character despite being on the Sue side of things. The epilogue. . .well, it's interesting you should think that. No, I actually wasn't thinking of Animal Farm – though I had to read it and analyse it in depth last year for our Year 11 Lit class last year so it's possible that it was in my subconscious or something. Whatever it was I just thought it would be a good ending. Thank you very much for taking the time to review! I always appreciate reviews very much.

OoO

Some of you may be wondering what in the name of Ulmo's Beard has happened to those of the Fellowship whom Melodiel got rid of because they were too old/not hot enough etc. So let us first follow the misadventures of Boromir, renowned son of Denethor, who is portrayed often as an unintelligent male chauvinist pig (and admittedly this is what Argileth originally thought too – but if you think about it, in those times the only woman likely to travel with a large group of males was one of unsavoury repute, so perhaps Boromir's reaction was justified).

But I digress. Now, as we know, Melodiel earlier on in her reign managed to abolish the character of Boromir, on the grounds that he wasn't supposed to exist because the movies said so. Ignoring the fact that our 'beloved' Sue somehow managed to get basic movie chronology wrong, we now discover that Boromir could not be wholly eliminated. Canon characters cannot be destroyed but are simply disembodied for the time being. So Tolkien in his wisdom ordained that souls whose bodies are dead or, in Boromir's case, uninhabited, were to go to the Halls of Mandos.

So it was that Boromir's last memory was the confused face of the monster that dwelt in the pools before the Moria Gate and a blinding pink light accompanied by the screechy voice of salvation. Next thing he knew, he was standing about in an immense hall, which was filled with transparent-looking people milling around and the occasional stoic-looking being (who happened to be Maiar. Not that Boromir knew this yet). Yet despite the general bustle everything was silent.

Boromir held his hand up in front of his face and saw that he too was transparent. As can be expected, he was highly puzzled and more than a little apprehensive.

"Boromir, Son of Denethor."

The young man whipped around to face a tall figure robed in black and looked up into the dark eyes set in a handsome face. Immediately he knew exactly where he was.

"My Lord Namo," he murmured, trying to get to his knees.

"No, no. None of that, child," interrupted the Vala Namo, more commonly known as Mandos. He helped Boromir to his feet. The Vala was immediately greeted with a barrage of questions.

"Was I killed in battle? Or was I devoured by that beast from the water? I have no memories of my death. What happened?"

Mandos chuckled. "All in good time. First you must come with me and then you shall know what you seek."

The Vala turned in a swirl of black robes and Boromir followed speechlessly.

OoO

And what of Gimli and Gandalf?

Gandalf knew the Sue for exactly what she was and using the skills he had as a Maia managed to do something – well, highly unconventional, that would ensure that both of them remained corporeal, unlike poor Boromir.

There were two Elves standing in the Hall of Fire whilst the other Elves were going hysterical thanks to the assailing of their sensitive hearing by the incessant, ruthless cries of a small half-Maiarin baby. These two Elves were the only ones who kept their heads during this whole ordeal.

"I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be stuck in this accursed get-up," muttered Gimli, going to give an irritated tug at his braided beard only to remember that he was in the form of a clean-shaven Elf and therefore had no beard to tug. At this he let out a colourful curse.

The other Elf, who had a slightly otherworldly glow that was stronger than the glow emitting from other Elves, replied, "Cease your grumbling, Gimli. You would otherwise be held in the Halls of Awaiting at this very moment in a disembodied state indefinitely."

"There is one advantage to this, admittedly," said Gimli, ignoring what Gandalf had just said.

"And what may that be?"

"I'm taller."

OoO

"_I," she said in a musical voice, "am the wife of Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood."_

Well.

It was hard for them to prevent their jaws from dropping open in a most un-Elvenly manner, instead having to content themselves with staring speechlessly at the newcomer. Who was this woman? And what a claim to make! Eventually, having regained some of her powers of speech, Argileth exclaimed, "You cannot be!"

"I assure you I am," answered the elleth calmly.

"But—but Legolas—he is—"

"He thinks that he is married to that swine in a pink garb I met down the hall earlier? Aye, I daresay he does." Though she spoke evenly her eyes flashed with fury.

"How are we to know that you are not simply another Mary Sue?" demanded Erestor. The elleth narrowed her eyes and looked as if she were about to verbally pummel the Elf-lord.

"Let us first sit down and discuss all this," suggested Elenir quickly.

"Gladly," answered the Elven woman, sitting down at the desk which Erestor had been occupying for a good few months. The others joined her, puzzled in the extreme. "Firstly, I should like to say that—"

"Milord Erestor!" came a voice, presumably from outside because it was muffled. Erestor stood up and bowed.

"My apologies, my Lady," he said, looking a little sheepish before making his way to the door. Argileth leaned back on her chair and looked past Elenir's shoulders. A plate with some slices of cake and a pitcher of milk came carefully sliding through a roughly-cut square in the door, which Erestor picked up and brought back to the little company. He placed it in the middle of the desk, helping himself to some cake and sitting down with a satisfied look upon his lordly countenance – ignoring, of course, the looks that the others were giving him.

"Do continue," he said, waving a hand imperiously and pouring himself a glass of milk, not at all put out by the fact that his need to have regular meals had disturbed a rather important event.

"Very well. I am Celebrinlas, and as I have told you I am Legolas' wife. His real wife. Some messengers sent by the sons of Elrond reached Mirkwood, with great peril, and informed King Thranduil of the situation in Rivendell."

"Oh, thank the Lords of the West!" Argileth could not help interjecting at this point. A long while ago, she had sent a message to be taken to Elladan and Elrohir, who were with the Dunédain somewhere in Eriador, warning them not to set foot in Rivendell until it was safe and to try and find help. Having heard no news from them since, she had lost hope that any help would come from any other quarter. She could not have hoped to hear better news in a very long time. Argileth turned to Celebrinlas anxiously. "Are the Elrondions faring well?"

"They are, though they are eager to return and set things right themselves. Though, as His Majesty of the Caves told them, they would be in grave peril indeed to attempt such a thing." Celebrinlas shook her head sadly. "This is all hopeless."

"There is always hope," soothed Arwen, and the elleth who claimed to be Legolas' wife smiled, a little comforted.

"Only the King knew of this and only saw fit to tell his councillors a week later. Myself, I found out within the hour of the messengers' arrival."

"Why is that?" asked Erestor with a mouthful of cake.

"Because I stormed into His Majesty's study and demanded to know what these people wanted, of course." Erestor seeming satisfied with this answer, Celebrinlas continued. "I was eager for news of my husband and pressured the King to tell everything he knew. At last, he reluctantly revealed that an elleth had sent a distressed message to the Elrondions that Rivendell was, at the present moment, ruled by an evil Sue-creature who had practically set herself up as Queen with almost everyone under a spell of some sort.

"I believed it, for in the weeks prior to receiving this news, the sun had been rising and setting at odd hours, or sometimes not setting at all. I immediately decided to see for myself what was happening in Rivendell and was determined to protect Legolas and anyone else from this foolery. So at last with the King's consent I set out with a few escorts. The journey was long, but with some help I found the hidden Valley eventually. I knew full well that the state of affairs would be dire but not as horrific as this."

She paused for a moment, while Elenir, reaching for a slice of cake from Erestor's plate when he wasn't looking, ventured to ask, "And you mentioned that you had met The Monstrosity in the hallway, did you not?"

"Yes, I did. I knew it was her on account of the crowd following her and with a Dunadan at her side clad in a most abominable manner." Arwen paled a little at this. Celebrinlas saw it and, wondering much, quickly moved on to ease the elleth's evident discomfiture. "She saw me and said something along the lines of, 'Could'st thou run down to the kitcheneth for woe is me! Alas! My mother doth desire low-fat cookies and there are none to be had. Eth, forsooth, sirrah.' So she continued by, having addressed me in this strange manner."

Argileth gave a snort. "Do not be troubled. Everyone is given the same treatment. Say on."

Celebrinlas nodded. "I was forced to open one of the doors and shut myself in one of the rooms to avoid being stampeded by The Monstrosity and her following. As soon as they had passed I ran down the hallways as fast as I could, hoping to find anyone at all who was still in their right mind."

"And that is how you ended up here?"

"Yes, for I saw, to my surprise, a sort of square that was cut from the base of a large wooden door—" Here she raised an eyebrow at Erestor. "—and was highly intrigued by it. I flung open the door and came upon you lot. So," she concluded, sitting back in her chair and her hand coming to rest at its place on her dagger hilt, "that is my story. Now I am intrigued to know what you have all been doing to jump with such fright upon seeing me enter the room."

"Nothing to be ashamed of, that is for certain," said Erestor, finishing off the last slice of cake with a relish.

So the tale of Melodiel's coming and the search for information on her origins and Ring was related to Celebrinlas, who seemed to be half-amused, half-disgusted by the whole thing.

"That is a strange tale indeed," she said when everyone had finished telling their separate parts of the story. "And so you have found a book on this?"

"Aye, just as you entered," affirmed Argileth, standing up to fetch the book. She brought it back and with a loud thump she dropped the very heavy and supposedly Morgoth-authored work onto the desk. Celebrinlas smiled.

"Was Morgoth ever troubled by Mary Sues, I wonder?"

"It is my personal opinion that he invented them," declared Elenir.

"Speaking of which," interjected Erestor with a suspicious look at Celebrinlas, "you have not proven to us that you are not a Mary Sue. Do you know how many Sues claim to be the wife of Legolas? How are we to give credence to your assertions?"

Celebrinlas began counting on her fingers. "I am not impossibly beautiful, my singing is nothing special, I do not have any strange powers or a tragic past, my eyes do not keep changing colour, my name is real Elvish—"

"Alright, alright—I believe you." He sat back in his chair and a thoughtful look came over his fair features. "Legolas with two wives? Quite the scandal."

"That _creature_," sputtered Celebrinlas with a disgusted emphasis on the second word, "is not his wife. Everyone knows the Eldar are bound to one spouse forever and he is not lawfully married to Melodiel, neither in the eyes of the Eldar nor in the sight of Eru Iluvatar."

"I agree with you there," spoke a voice that belonged to a golden-haired Elf who had managed to unobtrusively enter the library.

"Ah, Glorfindel. Just in time." Erestor patted the empty chair next to him.

"_Mae govannen, mellyn_," answered Glorfindel cheerfully. "May I join the fun?"

"But of course!" exclaimed Erestor, on behalf of all present. "And may I ask why you are not under the spell of The Urple One?"

"Because, my dear friend, I lived in the Blessed Realm long ages ago and then I was reborn into Middle Earth. That makes me quite powerful, don't you think?"

Argileth tuned out of Erestor and Glorfindel's witty repartee and took a moment to examine the elleth from Mirkwood. After the manner of the Elves she was fair of face but not striking and her light brown hair, although long, was kept in a practical braid. It was hard to believe that Legolas could have a wife but on the other hand it was hard not to believe Celebrinlas. She spoke honestly and there was none of that aura of evil about her that surrounded other Mary Sues.

"So," said Celebrinlas, breaking the silence. "What are we doing now?"

"Well, I suggest that we try to read this book first," answered Arwen. Everyone glanced at the first and most powerful Dark Lord's monumental work that sat ominously in the middle of the table.

"Well?" Erestor looked around. "Well? Who shall read first?"

Again, silence.

Argileth sighed. "Very well, I'll read."

Erestor handed her the book and she opened it. To her surprise, a letter slipped out from the cover and slid onto the floor. The elleth picked it up and read it.

_Dear Elrond,_

What the Udun? No, really - what the hell is going on with this whole 'Glorfindel wears pink thongs' business? I am a Balrog slayer and I have been restored to life by the grace of the Valar - I don't wear pink thongs!

I wear black ones, dammit! Get it right, people!

_~Glorfindel_

Erestor grinned. Glorfindel snatched the letter away and rolled his eyes heavenward. "Bloody mortals. If I ever happen to encounter that Araloth girl I will give her a piece of my mind."

"Here we are! _Of the Suevian Rings of Power_." Argileth cleared her throat and began to read out loud.

_There are many objects that Sues may use to heighten their power, which include Rings, Silmarils and even palantíri. Of all the Rings however the most powerful is known by the illustrious term _The Other Ring To Rule The Rest Of Them_. The history of this Ring is complex, nonsensical and requires some patience and perseverance on the part of the reader to understand._

"Oh, excellent!" groaned Elenir. Erestor looked as usual thoughtful and a trifle amused.

"Indeed. It will be most amusing to see what sort of convoluted history Melodiel's creator has come up with."

_Whilst Sauron was in the process of forging the One Ring, the forgotten King of Numenor, Tar-Dimwittion, charged the Elven smiths of Tol Eressea to forge a ring that was more powerful._

"More powerful than the One Ring? Ludicrous," muttered Elenir.

"What do the Elves of Tol Eressea have to do with Ring-forging and Sauron?" asked Arwen.

Argileth shrugged. "Absolutely nothing, of course."

"I should like to know who this Tar-Dimwittion is," put in Glorfindel. "I have never heard of him."

"He is a 'forgotten King', remember?" said Celebrinlas. "He is some clueless Suethor's invention – you may be excused for not ever hearing his name.

"Thank you, my Lady."

_This was The Other Ring To Rule The Rest Of Them. The Elves were to give the Ring to one who could withstand the power of the One Ring and be the keeper of the newly-forged Ring of Tol Eressea. It was given to the keeping of the wisest and fairest being in all of Aman, whose beauty outshone the light of the Trees._

"And she is fairer than Elbereth now, I suppose?" asked Erestor.

_She was fairer than Elbereth, the Queen of the Stars._

Glorfindel nodded his head approvingly. "I marvel at your powers of prophecy, Lord Erestor."

The Elf in question merely inclined his head graciously.

_The Ring, being the invention of a Suethor, conferred upon the Sue almost boundless powers. She is therefore the most powerful of all Sues, exceeding every Sue in beauty, intelligence and skill, instantly capturing hearts with her admirable qualities._

"Well, 'tis no wonder that we have had such trouble trying to rid Middle-Earth of her presence!" exclaimed Arwen.

Celebrinlas brooded darkly.

_Please see Volume 2, The Sue Files, for more information on Melodiel Melodramatica etc._

Argileth plonked the book onto the table with a loud thump that shook the floor, eager to get rid of it.

"There – I refuse to read any more of this preposterous drivel."

"In which case _I_ will read, if you wish," offered Erestor, getting up to find Volume Two of Morgoth's work. He returned with a book that was just as large, if not larger, than the first volume.

"Melodiel, Melodiel—ah, here we are. It says, 'See Sue Marie'. Who on earth is that, I wonder."

Argileth suddenly remembered something. Elrond had voiced his fears at the beginning of the Quest that there might be a very powerful Sue on the rise – and that she had been here before.

"I wonder if she has had an encounter with Legolas previously, then," she mused. "In that, we may find out the reasons for her being here." Erestor in the meantime had located Sue Marie and was now preparing to read.

_Name: Sue Marie, re-incarnated as Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespeareanna Parodee_

_Age: Unknown._

_Ancestral heritage: Elf, Mortal, Maia, Dragon._

_Nature of Suethor: 5% Book Geek, 95% Follower of Jackson._

_Derivation of Power: The Other Ring To Rule The Rest Of Them. Dependence on object to maintain power: Absolute._

Erestor frowned as he read on and Elenir glanced over his shoulder. Soon their faces were wearing matching looks of consternation. Erestor muttered something that sounded like, "How did her ancestral heritage involve a dragon?"

"If I am correct," mused Elenir, "then this Sue actually came _after_ the quest of the Ring. It says here that she was discovered by Legolas in Ithilien. This is perplexing indeed." Argileth sighed as if the answer were the most obvious thing in Middle-Earth.

"Aye, but time has no meaning for Sues. Neither does spelling, grammar nor common sense."

"Things like these are considered minor issues for Sue-authors," added Glorfindel.

"Who or what is Zhackson?" asked Celebrinlas.

"Probably some great leader of Mortal Men."

Erestor closed the book and carefully placed it on top of the other one, trying not to let it make too much noise.

"Well," concluded Glorfindel, "we have discovered that Melodiel has been here before in the form of another Sue and she is completely reliant upon her Ring of Power to keep control." He did not mention among other things that they had also discovered that Morgoth evidently had a passion for writing. "Somehow we must get a hold of this Ring of hers before we can destroy her hold on Imladris."

There was an abrupt silence. All eyes swivelled in Argileth's direction. The look on her face was one of flat refusal but after a few moments it became one of resignation.

"Oh, alright!" she snapped. "But I will not do it in a bridesmaid's dress!"

OoO

Will Legolas ever break free of the clutches of The Pink Monstrosity? When will Celebrinlas find out who Jackson is? And will Glorfindel ever take his revenge on Araloth? Dun dun DUN!

I probably just broke the hearts of some of my Legolas!fan readers - *cough***Elrayen***cough* Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Here are some questions you might want to think about answering:

* What did you like most about this story so far?

* Is Melodiel annoying and clichéd enough?

* Are there any other types of Sues you want our 'heroes' to randomly encounter?

Thank you to everyone who has persevered with this story and the sporadic updates. ;)


	12. Tragedie Hath Befallen

This chapter is dedicated to **owlreader**, for sticking with me for so long, and to **Sauron Gorthaur** for giving me some wonderful ideas! By popular demand, the Random Sue of this chapter is. . .*drumroll*. . .well, you will just have to read on and find out. :)

_Replies to anonymous reviewers:_

**Forest5**: Hello! I was reviewing Melodiel's 'character' (or lack thereof) and trying to decide what on earth I could possibly to do her to make her even worse. I might end up traumatising myself! Let's see – she's impossibly beautiful, she's practically got a harem of random Fellowship members, she's married to Legolas, she has the power to resurrect herself, everyone practically worships her, she got rid of Boromir, between her and her mother they've eaten enough low-fat lembas desserts to feed an army of Hobbits – good Lord, that's just scary, now that I come to think about it. Of course, if you have any suggestions on how to make her worse, then fire away! I'm listening. :) Thank you for taking the time to review!

OoO

Whilst Argileth was changing into more comfortable attire for stealing a Ring of Power from under the nose (or from the finger, technically) of Middle-Earth's most abominable Sue, Erestor, Elenir, Arwen, Celebrinlas and Glorfindel decided to set about getting rid of the other Mary Sues who were constantly teleporting themselves into Rivendell.

"I wish to rescue my husband," said Celebrinlas stubbornly, folding her arms and looking very much like a warrior ellon from Mirkwood than an elleth in her husband's clothing.

But despite Celebrinlas' frightening scowl, Erestor shook his head, now taking responsibility for the group of Elves whilst Argileth was not there.

"Nay – Legolas cannot be saved until Argileth has the Ring (the Other Ring, I mean). The only thing we can do now is try and be rid of the other Sues which The Thing has brought with her."

After much persuasion Celebrinlas finally capitulated and they set off in quest of their first Sue – the one who had been clinging off poor Lindir for quite some time now.

A few chapters ago we met a charming young lady by the name of Kyrie-Eleison Krysteena Krystalia Konfusion KanonKiller Kabana Kerfuffle – and who, surprisingly, managed to escape a greeting from Argileth's dagger/knife/mace/fork/whichever other weapon she happened to have with her at the time.

Lindir had been mostly sitting around in a daze whilst his Sue chattered away about things that he did not understand in the least (mostly because she talked so fast and giggled so much that it sounded much like noise rather than intelligent conversation). So it was that he did not even recognise his friends Erestor and Glorfindel, let alone the others. We may of course forgive him for not recognising Celebrinlas.

But I digress. The Elven Sue-Slayers came upon Lindir sitting under a tree, staring blankly ahead whilst a strangely-accoutred Sue babbled away about absolutely nothing. But, being quite observant and quick for a Sue, Kyrie-Eleison saw a bunch of random Elves making their way towards her and her new, totally-_hott_ Elvish boyfriend and promptly decided that a demonstration of her Sue-y powers was required to impress said boyfriend.

"HALT!" she screeched, causing a number of multi-coloured birds to fly up in fright and Lindir to cover his ears in an effort to protect his sensitive hearing. It was so ear-piercingly horrible that Rivendell fell silent for an entire five seconds – including Erestor and the Elves (and that really sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks, doesn't it? No fear, they will not be breaking into song any time soon, I promise you).

"What do y'all want with the Lady of the Hood?" she demanded in a voice that was most likely meant to be sweet but only succeeded in being nerve-grating.

"We want to dice you into small pieces and feed you to Morgoth's cat Tevildo," answered Erestor in cheery tones.

The ensuing screech made just about every Elf in Rivendell cover their ears in horror.

"NO!" shrieked Kyrie-Eleison, flailing around and performing what looked like a strange ritualistic dance around the tree and Lindir.

Erestor turned to the rest of the group. "Perhaps that was not the best way to inform her that she was going to die."

Arwen sighed. "No, Lord Erestor, it was not. However," she added, "I think I know a better way around this." She remembered Argileth's way of getting rid of Sues – logic. So she tried it, hoping that it would work.

"How many daughters does Elrond have?" she asked, seeing as it was the first question that came into her head—and also because it usually caught out the most dim-witted Sues on the first go.

"One," answered the Sue.

"What was Galadriel's daughter's name?"

"Celebrian."

"Who was the father of Arathorn?"

"Arador, of course."

Arwen bit her lip nervously. Great Lords of the West, this was not working! Where was Argileth when she was needed? Fortunately, Elenir saw what Arwen was trying to do. And being just as experienced as Argileth in Sue-matters, he took over the interrogating.

"How many are there in the Fellowship?" he asked. This question was a commonly-used one for Tenth Stalkers.

"Nine."

"Were there any girls?"

"No."

"Does Greek exist in Middle-Earth?"

"No, of course not!" the Sue exclaimed, tossing her lustrous hair as she spoke.

"What is your name?"

"Kyrie-Eleison—no, that's not fair! No!" With another piercing screech she faded and was never seen in Middle-Earth again. For everyone knows that Mary Sues, when they contradict themselves, spontaneously combust. Well, they are supposed to, anyway. In any case, this was what happened to Kyrie-Eleison, much to the relief of Lindir.

"What is Greek?" asked Lindir, back to his old self now that his fangirl had disappeared. Erestor shrugged.

"Some language of Mortals in the future. Come, let us find some more of these creatures. We have a Quest of our own."

Argileth in the meantime was back in her tunic, breeches and heavy boots, as well as a cloak. She had absolutely no idea how she was going to go about stealing a ring from someone's finger, especially given that the ring belonged to a formidable Mary Sue. This would be a very difficult task.

As she set off down the halls once again, fastening her cloak as she went, she began, for the first time in a long time, to feel rather apprehensive. This could well be the end of her and she would be sent to the Halls of Mandos, if Melodiel discovered that her loyal servant maideneth was in fact conspiring to kill her. She gulped and tried to slow her breathing so that her heart would stop beating so quickly.

But what she did not expect at all in that moment was the sudden appearance out of nowhere of two people on whom she had never laid eyes before in her life.

These two were Mortals, it was evident, probably of the stock of the Northmen descended from the House of Hador, judging by the golden colour of their hair. Their features were so similar that Argileth concluded that they must be related.

The young man was evidently rather annoyed with being teleported for no particular reason and loudly demanded to know what was going on.

"Patience, brother," said the woman, laying a hand on his arm.

"If you wish to know," said Argileth, stepping out from the corner she had been standing in, "you are in Rivendell. May I ask who you both are?"

The man was the first to speak. "I am Èomer. This is my sister Èowyn."

Now, the events of Middle-Earth in the Third Age having been done over and over again by enthusiastic fanfiction writers, Argileth actually realised now who they were at the mention of their names. Both had achieved – er, would achieve – great deeds of renown in the War of the Ring. But what puzzled the elleth was what in the name of Elbereth's stars they were doing here in Imladris.

However, before she could even begin to ask, a flurry of pink robes accompanied by birdsong heralded the arrival of—well, you can guess.

"Ah, thou hast receiv'd our noble guestseth!" Melodiel's words were accompanied by a rather suggestive look in Èomer's direction. Argileth closed her eyes and exhaled slowly to prevent herself from lunging at Melodiel and throttling her. The Sue's rather courtesan-like behaviour disgusted her to no end and now she had managed to somehow summon Èomer of all people from out of nowhere. . .she had to wonder why Èowyn was also here, if her brother was to be used for the inofficial harem named 'The I Heart Melodiel Fanclub'.

"My Lady? May I ask why Èowyn has been summoned?"

Melodiel waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, I always thoughtest that I couldst do with another servant maideneth, verilyeth. But now I must goeth – I need to, um, tryeth out my new Fanclub Member. Eth." She winked.

Argileth nearly projectile vomited but quickly swallowed back her feelings of revulsion as Melodiel turned around and walked away, the almost drooling Èomer in her wake.

"Where is that creature taking my brother?" demanded Èowyn angrily. Argileth sighed.

"Do you really wish to know?"

Èowyn's already pale face turned white with horror. "I cannot believe it. How vile!"

"That is the way of Melodiel."

The shieldmaiden wrinkled her nose. "Melodiel? Is that. . .an Elvish name?"

"I think it is supposed to be."

The two of them stood in silence for a few moments, as if to assess each other. Argileth thought that it would be nice to have another woman around—especially one who knew of weapons and warfare and who was currently in a fairly stable mental condition. Celebrinlas seemed to share Argileth's enthusiasm for Sue-slaughtering and to have a good knowledge of weapons – but she wasn't particularly approachable. Not that Èowyn looked particularly approachable either, but they were both thrown in this situation together and would have to make the most of it.

"So, would you be so kind as to tell me what has been going on and why I am here?"

"I may answer your second question quite easily—the Sue wanted your brother, and must have summoned you by accident in the process. But as to your first question. . .it will take a long time to explain."

Èowyn shrugged. "I have the time."

So Argileth told the shieldmaiden everything that had happened from the very beginning—how she was sent with the Fellowship, how Melodiel came to Rivendell, how their small resistance force had managed to band together in the last few days in one last effort to destroy her once and for all.

"Are you then telling me that this Melodiel creature believes she has an Elven Ring of Power and that you must somehow attain this Ring to destroy her?"

"We believe so," answered Argileth. "So far every attempt on her life has resulted in her somehow resurrecting herself and returning ten times worse."

"So what will you—"

It was then that an all-too-familiar, terrible shriek sounded from down the corridor, at the same time as a splintering crash reverberated from the walls. Argileth thought that maybe Sam had put something in that low-fat lembas that Melodiel and her mother were always eating. Èowyn, however, was not used to it and was terribly startled. And no wonder, for it sounded like a dying elephant. Not, of course, that Èowyn used this analogy.

"What was that?" she asked in alarm, looking around her for the source of the horrible noise.

"That," answered the elleth, "is the voice of pure Evil."

As if to punctuate that remark, another scream pierced the air and suddenly it seemed as if two Sues were screeching at once.

The women both hastened in the direction of the cacophony – Argileth because she was probably required to clean something up after Melodiel, and Èowyn because she did not want to be abandoned by herself without another even half-sane woman to talk to. Besides, she needed to rescue her brother from the clutches of that vile beast!

The two women, Elf and Mortal, stopped when they came to the large room from which the ear-piercing screams had emanated.

There, amid the broken pieces of wood and stone, Tragedie had befallen on the house.

Yes, her name was Tragedie, and she had fallen out of nowhere – presumably from the sky – to land atop the unsuspecting Melodiel, who was squirming around uncomfortably and letting out angry squeals in between thrashing her perfectly shaped limbs about in a most unbecoming and decidedly un-Sue-like manner.

Picking her up with surprising strength, Melodiel hurled the girl off of her by giving her a hard shove. The latter stumbled back and after teetering around for a long time, comically flailing her arms around, fell straight to the ground on her backside with a sickening crunch.

Èomer was momentarily forgotten as Melodiel huffed and puffed (and did not blow the house down, by the way) and the I Heart Melodiel Fanclub members slowly and cautiously tiptoed in to drag their newest associate away from the drama that would inevitably ensue. However, they remained long enough to look upon the Not-So-Fair-But-Still-Fair-Enough Sue who was trying to get off the floor and start getting the Lovelorn Look of Doom™ on their blank faces.

Melodiel was not a happy camper at all when she realised that her Fanclub members were all ogling her adversary instead of her and an angry glance at her errant boyfriends sent them out of the room rather quickly. Èowyn and Argileth standing in the doorway went unnoticed.

The self-proclaimed Queen of Rivendell stood up to her full height, brushing off whatever non-existent dust particles had managed to stain her dress. "And who," she demanded, her syrupy saccharine voice sounding very screechy, "art thou?"

Melodiel's nemesis, who was no less tall and imposing despite her being extraordinarily ordinary, in turn drew herself up to her full height and answered, "I am Anna Tragedie Jones-Smith, but most call me Tragedie because of the terrible fate I inflict upon myself and others."

Èowyn shifted slightly beside Argileth and whispered, "I have not much in the way of experience with Mary Sues, but it seems to me that this one is exactly the opposite of one and yet still succeeds in being a Sue."

Argileth whispered back, "Yes, for this is an Anti-Sue, who is just as formidable as any other Sue. I believe Melodiel has finally met her equal."

Now, as much as we would like to believe that the Sue and Anti-Sue engaged in an epic battle which resulted in each annihilating the other, to say so would be a gross exaggeration of the truth. Alright, it would be an outright lie—and Iluvatar looks down upon lying with more disfavour than upon Mary Sues. Only just, though.

"My life is one sad story, one disaster after another—" began the Anti-Sue in the usual way of Sues, where her life story is poured out to any random whom she thinks will listen. But she was quite rudely cut off by Melodiel, who would not tolerate anyone else's life story to outshine her own.

"And how dareth thee intrudeth'st upon me-eth!" thundered Melodiel, her terrible Shakespearean English becoming even worse than usual in her fury.

"What threat am I to you?" cried Tragedie. "I'm not smart, I'm not pretty—I'm not anything special. . ." Her voice trailed off as she sadly lifted her head with tear-filled eyes and a violin solo began slowly playing in the background (even though there were no visible violinists present).

Argileth rolled her eyes. Did Suethors never have any original ideas at all? The number of Sues whom she had encountered with large eyes brimming over with tears was simply ridiculous.

Whilst Melodiel looked quite pleased that another Sue was debasing herself, Tragedie's sad, angsty look suddenly contorted into rage and she launched herself at My Lady Fair with a ferocious yell. Of course, she did it rather clumsily but she still managed to knock her to the ground.

"This has gone on far enough," muttered Èowyn, getting to her feet and beginning to walk toward the fighting Sues. Argileth's eyes widened.

"No—no, you cannot—" She grasped at the hem of Èowyn's long white dress. The shieldmaiden wrenched herself free and Argileth let go with an unladylike grunt. She had no choice but to follow. Hopefully the impulsive young mortal woman would not do anything that would get them both locked in the fearsome Pink Dungeons.

Whilst the Sues were duelling, Èowyn calmly walked up behind them and pronounced a very clear and very loud, "BOO."

"AAAAAAGGGGH!"

The shrieks of two powerful Sues rang through the air and Argileth winced. What did that girl think she was doing?

"Where did you come from?" she demanded, lifting Tragedie to her feet. The Anti-Sue trembled in her grip.

"Th-th-the sky," she stammered, her pallid face becoming even paler at the fierce look on Èowyn's face. Suddenly it dawned upon Argileth what she was trying to do.

"Èowyn," she said suddenly, "do girls fall out of the sky on a regular basis?"

"Not that I have seen," answered Èowyn.

"It is against the laws of common sense," added Argileth, glancing at the girl who by now looked frightened for her life.

"What has this got to do with me?" she demanded, trying to wriggle free.

"Well," said Argileth, "do you see girls fall out of the sky often?"

Tragedie vigorously shook her head.

"And truthfully, have you _ever_ seen a girl fall out of the sky, for that matter?"

Again, Argileth's question was met with a shake of the head.

"Then does it sound as if it is _supposed_ to happen?"

"I-I suppose not."

"Then if it is not supposed to happen," said Èowyn, "what are you doing here?"

The shieldmaiden of Rohan was not at all prepared for the Sue to implode and disappear altogether. But she could not say that she would miss Tragedie all that much—and at least she had not exploded with a colourful burst of pink blood.

Melodiel had not been listening to this witty banter at all, concerned only for the fate of her new Fanclub member, who had disappeared.

"My Lady." When Melodiel turned, she found Argileth with a very humble expression on her face and she knew immediately that her loyal servant maidenetheth was about to try and make an intelligent suggestion. She pitied her servant—any suggestions she made would be nowhere near as intelligent as Melodiel's own brilliance.

"Are you alright, my Lady?" Argileth detested having to use the deferential term—and indeed, having to speak politely to her grated on her nerves—but it was the only way that she would be able to take the Ring from her. Her heart began to pound nervously again. If the Sue discovered what she was conspiring to do, Argileth could lose her life. And so would her friends, who were somewhere in Rivendell worrying about her fate.

Fortunately, an opportunity presented itself very shortly and without any danger to Argileth's existence.

"Ooh-eth, I do not feelest very welleth," groaned Melodiel dramatically, with the back of her hand to her forehead.

This was it! Argileth had to work very hard not to smile as the beginnings of a plan began to formulate in her head.

"I believe that what you need, my Lady, is a relaxing bath." (Ha, and you thought she was going to say that she needed a wooden stake through the heart, right?)

Now Melodiel, despite the fact that she did absolutely no work except—well, we won't go there for fear of mental traumatisation—always said that being Queen was hard work and she needed plenty of rest. The flattering titles and the promise of a hot bath appealed to her greatly after her experience with the first Sue she had met to approximate her for powerful. . .erm, powers. Her thoughts turned to rather nasty things such as who she should include in her bathing party and other things that were so disturbing that they do not merit mentioning. Suffice to say that her tiny Sue brain was thinking about the things that Sues usually think about.

Argileth could see the look that came over Melodiel's face and was torn between being pleased and being disgusted.

"I dost think thou art righteth," sighed Melodiel. "And I canst useth the bath crystalseth that Aragorn gaveth to me!"

"There is one thing that I feel I must warn you about, my Lady," interrupted Argileth before Melodiel could list everything she was going to do in there. She noticed that Èowyn was standing behind the Sue and was quietly trying to use the Argileth's phone. The elleth was about to check all of her pockets, wondering how on earth Èowyn had managed to steal the little pink object from her but was distracted when Melodiel blinked at her.

"Warneth me? About whateth?"

"Your Ring."

There was a moment of silence. Melodiel's eyes narrowed suddenly. "Whatest about my Ring?" she asked, in the first display of shrewdness that Argileth had seen from her in all the long months that she had been here. Argileth gulped and wracked her brains frantically, trying to find something to say that would get Melodiel to give her Ring over to the elleth.

"Your highness." Both Argileth and the Sue whipped around as Èowyn addressed Melodiel for the first time. "I believe that what the lady Argileth is trying to say is that the material with which your Ring is made will, according to the laws of chemical reaction, react unfavourably with the—er, bath crystals."

Melodiel's eyes widened. "Like, art thou serious?"

Though Argileth, and for that matter Èowyn, had no idea what chemical reactions were, nodded in affirmation.

"Oh no! Well, I supposest I musteth have a bath withouteth my Ring, forsooth." She clapped her hands for no particular reason. "Cometh, ye both! Thou must maketh sure that no one untrustworthyeth tryeth to steal my Ring! 'Tis a parlous thing!"

With that she made off down the hall. Argileth turned to Èowyn.

"To whom were you speaking on the _phôn_?"

"Is that what this odd little pink thing is called? I pressed a few things and then I heard a female voice coming from it."

"Did she say who she was?"

Èowyn frowned. "I think she said her name was Araloth. But no matter—she simply told me what to say to the creature. It was as if she knew exactly what was happening at this moment. It was very strange."

"Well, whoever this girl is, she did help us. Now make haste! This may be the only chance we get."

So saying they both hastened down the corridors after Melodiel, who was twittering and giggling all the way in a most nauseating way. They suddenly came to a halt in front of an immense pink door that had tinsel and pink ribbons and other Sue paraphernalia hanging up all over it.

Melodiel cleared her throat and spoke the magic words that would allow her and her loyal servant maidens to pass through the doors:

"Eth, est, verily perforce bechanc'd and fie!"

Argileth did not even bother to look surprised. One could not expect anything better from a Shakespeare-mangling Sue.

The doors opened at the words and Melodiel sailed in, much to the delight of her Fanclub, who all perked up at her arrival. None of them noticed the elleth or the shieldmaiden standing behind Melodiel—and indeed that was well, because their faces were both twitching as they attempted to maintain neutral expressions and not scowl at the Sue.

This was, incidentally, the first time that Argileth had been allowed inside the Queen of Rivendell's chambers before, despite her high status as lady-in-waiting to Her Majesty. Like any other room that Melodiel frequently occupied, everything was overdone and ridiculous. I will not attempt to convey the horror that Èowyn experienced as she looked for the first time upon a Sue's chambers; nor will I attempt to describe exactly what this room looked like. Suffice to say that it was a nightmare of vast proportions—pink, frilly, and utterly Sue-ish.

It did not help matters when Argileth noticed the huge bed upon which Melodiel's "husband" was sitting and that said so-called husband was wearing nothing except for his breeches.

"What think you of _this_?" asked Èowyn in a whisper, referring to everything that she had just had the misfortune to see (including the lacy black underwear that had been unceremoniously slung over one of the bed-posts).

"Need I answer that question?" muttered Argileth in response.

Melodiel suddenly emerged from the room which contained her huge spa bath (which, as Argileth understood, was some type of bath that generated bubbles in the water), arrayed in only her robe. The Fanclub members all sat up hungrily but Melodiel smiled in a very flirtatious way and said, "No-eth, not now—but maybe later, if ye art all goodest."

Èowyn audibly choked.

Melodiel sauntered up to Argileth whispered to her in dulcet tones that sounded like birds twittering as they winged their way over waterfalls glinting gold in the setting sun, "Here—I doth trust thee to safeguardeth this. It wouldest be a distastereth if it were to be dising—disengrate—melted in the water."

She pressed it into Argileth's hand and walked off into her bathing chambers, much to the disappointment of her Fanclub members. The elleth looked down and beheld for the first time the very thing that bestowed and maintained Melodiel's almost indestructible powers.

It was Melodiel's Ring.

And Argileth had it.

OoO

The idea for Èomer and Èowyn's sudden appearance is all owed to Sauron Gorthaur. Thank you very much for suggesting this extra twist to the story which otherwise would probably not have happened!

I wish an extremely belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you readers. :)


	13. The Robb'd That Smiles

Dedicated to Obiwanlivesforever, for providing this chapter's Random Sue!

**Thank you to all of you who have been alerting/adding to faves/reviewing this fic. Much appreciated!**

And well, whaddya know? "Authoress" _is_ a word, according to Webster's Original Dictionary! Thank you to RiverOtter1 for pointing that out. :)

_Replies to anonymous reviewers:_

Tindomerel: Yes, there's one more random Sue to get through before we tackle the Most Urple One! Don't worry – Èomer won't be there for long enough to have to serve as part of the - *hurk* - Fanclub. Thank you for reviewing!

* * *

Both _elleth_ and _firiel_ had over-exerted themselves in their haste to escape the Lastly Sickly House and were now leaning against one of the walls outside, breathing heavily.

Argileth brought her shaking fist up and opened her palm. Sitting there in her hand was Melodiel's Ring, which had after all been so easy to take from her. Melodiel's downfall could not be far away now—once Argileth and the others roused everyone from their Sue-induced stupor, a Council of Judgement could be called, the Ring destroyed, the Sue sentenced to death (and stay dead, with any luck), and everything would be as it was before. It was as if a great burden had been lifted from the young Elf's shoulders and she felt—well, happy. She turned to her mortal companion.

"What exactly was that Araloth girl blathering about, when she told you what to say to _Her_?" asked Argileth, feeling her face threaten to twitch into a smirk. "And what are 'bath crystals'?"

Èowyn grinned. "She told me what to say to the Sue, but she also graciously informed me that it was all fiddlesticks. Rubbish from beginning to end. And bath crystals simply create a scent in the water."

"Are you then saying that we told Melodiel that her Ring will be destroyed by. . .scented bath water?"

There was a moment of silence where the two stared at each other before the air was filled with laughter—loud, genuine laughter. For some reason, everything was just so. . .funny. The fact that the problem could have been solved months ago made Argileth a little hysterical, but still. Even after many years of fighting Sues, they could still surprise her with their stupidity sometimes!

Argileth wiped her eyes and suddenly Èowyn said seriously, "Argileth, this means that you now rule Rivendell through this Ring."

The _elleth_ sighed. "I have no wish to rule Rivendell," she replied truthfully. "That is a task that belongs to Master Elrond alone. But whilst I have the Ring, I will not allow this mischief to continue any longer. We have suffered long enough under the rule of this utterly useless, _stupid_ creature who only thinks of herself. Her evil can only be approximated by—" Suddenly it occurred to her that she had a bargain to uphold. "Sauron! I forgot!"

Èowyn raised an eyebrow. "Sauron? What does the Dark Lord have to do with our problems?"

"Do you not recall my telling you that Sauron and I have a temporary deal in ridding ourselves of our respective Sue problems? I must tell him at once! Èowyn, where did you put the _phôn_?"

"Calm yourself, Argileth," said Èowyn as the Elf frantically snatched the phone from her.

The harmonised strains of The Backstreet Boys suddenly emanated from the little pink object and Argileth flipped it open—this time with considerably more skill than during the first time she had ever used it.

"Sauron demands to speak to you at once," came a familiar (and evil) voice from the other end.

"That is well, for I must speak to him also—and with good tidings," replied Argileth. "By the way—is that you, Norbert?"

There was an audible sigh on the other end and a mutter that sounded like, 'I hate my name.' Argileth suppressed the urge to snicker.

"Argileth!" boomed Sauron's voice angrily. She cringed and held the phone away from her, the sounds of Sauron trying to bellow over the top of the horrible noise that sounded awfully like a bad attempt at singing making a screechy sort of combination. When the noise finally subsided, Argileth said:

"What did you wish to speak to me about?"

"I wished to speak to you," answered the Dark Lord in a deceptively calm tone, "about the fact that it has been _months_ since we made a deal, and still this Dark!Sue parades about Mordor screeching for the torment of the Orcs and rivalling even Norbert. And I am assuming that this is so because _you_ have not held up your end of the damned deal!"

Argileth frowned and retorted crossly, "And I may as well remind you that the _help_ you sent in the form of Jacques-Robert le Balrog de Morgoth _died_ before having a chance to dispose of the Sue!"

There was silence on the other end. Argileth leaned against the wall, tapping her foot anxiously. "What?" Sauron's voice suddenly sounded quiet and very unlike the one he used as a Dark Lord. "Jacques-Robert _died_?"

"Yes!" snapped Argileth. "And that is precisely why I could not—"

"One of my best friends under the service of Morgoth," sighed the Dark Lord sadly. "And I delivered him to the hands of a half-Maia Sue whore."

Suddenly Argileth had an idea. Most of the ideas she had lately were quite frankly bizarre but at least some had worked. "Wait—Melodiel claims that she is part Maia in blood and has resurrected herself at every attempt to kill her. Is it possible that you, as a Maia, could bring back Jacques-Robert to life?"

"Why. . .I never thought of that. I have never tried to resurrect anything (I enjoy killing too much to bring anything back to life) but I will try, if it means that I will have a good friend and an ally against Suedom back. And now," he added in a much more affable tone, "Norbert says that you have some good news for me."

"Yes—I have finally laid hands on Melodiel's source of power and with any luck, it will not be long until the Elves of Rivendell will conduct a trial and have her executed for good. She will not be able to return to life—or to Middle-Earth, for that matter—because the Other Ring To Rule The Rest Of Them will be destroyed."

Sauron sounded exasperated. "A trial? Why can you not just kill the wench and be done with it?"

"Because we Elves have a sense of justice, even towards Sues, which you seem to have lost in your rebellion with Morgoth against Ilúvatar."

"Don't talk about Ada!" snapped Sauron petulantly. "We have not exchanged two words since the Great Music and I do not intend to crawl back asking for forgiveness any time soon. Bloody Elves, with all your nonsense about justice." He gave a cough—by what means no one knows how, for disembodied eyeballs do not usually have the ability to cough. "By the way, Jacques-Robert will be restored to Rivendell temporarily before he can go back to Moria. But I expect results, She-Elf!"

The bleeping noise told Argileth that the Dark Lord had rudely hung up on her and she flipped the phone closed again.

"Hope is not lost," she declared to Èowyn. "If something goes wrong, we have the support of one very fiery personality."

OoO

In the meantime, the other members of the Sue Resistance had ruthlessly dealt with any Sues in their path, either through the power of logic or the power of a blow to the head.

The Sue Resistance, by the way, was composed of Glorfindel, Erestor, Elenir, Arwen, Lindir and Celebrinlas. Argileth was informally selected as their leader but she had not caught up with the rest of the team yet and so Elenir and Erestor had taken charge temporarily. As for Èowyn, she would immediately be accepted as part of the group—in fact, anyone who was not under the spell of the powerful Maia-Sue was quite welcome to join. Which was why the Resistance was about to unexpectedly meet someone whom they had not seen for some time.

"I hope Argileth is alright," remarked Arwen anxiously.

"I think she will be," said Elenir. "I have been her best friend since we were Elflings and I know that she is quite strong."

Erestor ran a hand through his dark hair. "We had better hope so. Every moment The Urple One has that ring of hers, her grip on Imladris and all of Middle-Earth becomes stronger. And what," he added in puzzlement as they came into the courtyard, "is this?"

_This_ referred to another one of those unusual sights that had been uncommon/not seen at all in Rivendell before the arrival of the Pink Monstrosity. Arwen's jaw dropped.

"Estel!" she gasped, her hand over her mouth in horror as the other hand pointed towards the scene of the crime. Celebrinlas swore.

"Good gods."

A large group of Elves had gathered there in the courtyard, arranged in lines and dancing wildly to the tune of music whose source was entirely unknown. It boomed across the courtyard with a loud, thumping beat that reverberated through the Elves' shoes and through their heads.

Modern mortals would have probably recognised the track from a (very awesome) Disney movie involving a pride of lions.

What was the most astonishing, however, was that at the head of them all were Aragorn and his foster-father, erstwhile Lord of Imladris, Master Elrond Peredhel.

Aragorn and Lord Elrond turned to each other and began this repartee in song:

"_I'm gonna be a mighty King, so Dark Enemy beware_!"

"_I've never seen a King of Men, with quite such scruffy hair_."

Arwen stared, flabbergasted, her mouth hanging open in a way that Glorfindel hadn't seen since he was telling her the story of the Fall of Gondolin when she was an Elfling.

"_Kings don't need advice from little Elf-lords for a start_!" sang Aragorn just before the music came to a sudden stop. He and the others stopped singing and dancing, only looking in confusion at a Sue whom the Resistance had never seen before as she threw her hands up despairingly.

"No! You've got it all wrong!" cried the Sue dramatically, with more exclamation marks than was necessary. "More action, more emotion!" There was a murmur that ran through the group of singing, dancing Elves as they once again moved into position.

"I have heard of these things," said Erestor slowly. "I think they are called musicals—a play based on song and dance."

"Well, it must stop! _Now!_" hissed Arwen angrily.

As we well know, the Lady Arwen, daughter of the Lord of Imladris, was seldom angry. She was rather a calming influence, a pacifist. But the strain of the long months of Suedom was taking its toll on her tranquil personality—and seeing her future husband, the most noble of the descendants of Númenor, dancing and singing songs from _The Lion King_ just to please some ridiculous Sue, was simply the last straw.

"My Lady—" began Glorfindel, but too late, for Arwen was now marching into the courtyard with alacrity and towards the artist!Sue, a look on her beautiful face that would have told any Sue with half a brain cell to beware.

Skylah Picasso d'Frick, however, had only an _eighth_ of a brain cell of which to boast, and this miniscule (shall we say, negligible) piece of compositional brain matter was mostly employed for making the stupidest, most bitchy comments you can think of.

Judging by the murderous look on Lady Arwen's usually kind features, however, she would not live too much longer to make another smart-arse remark.

"Excuse me?"

The Modern-Earth!Sue turned, tossed her hair and blinked. Her hair was a honey-blonde colour, with highlights of lighter blonde and brown running through it. The top she was wearing was tight and low-cut, causing everyone not under the Spell of Bottomless Suedom to wonder if Skylah's creator had actually paused to consider what an ample bosom looked like when mashed inside too-tight clothing. She chewed some gum and said, rather rudely, "What?"

Arwen cleared her throat. "I would like to demand, if I may, what in the name of Sauron's seven hells you think you are doing with my future husband!"

Skylah blinked again. "And what the hell do you think _you're_ doing, biatch? Disturbing me in the middle of a moment of artistic creation?"

The Lady of Rivendell ignored her rudeness, though she was quite appalled by it. "I am the Lady Arwen Undómiel, daughter of Lord Elrond of Rivendell, and I command your respect." Usually Arwen did not command such formalities, but she was in a rage and this particular Sue was downright rude.

"Right, and I'm the Queen of England. Go tell your bullshit to someone else—everyone knows _I'm_ the daughter of Elrond, but I was taken to modern Earth when I was born so that the Dark Lord wouldn't discover my Silmaril." The Sue turned back to her dancing ensemble again. "Okay, guys, from the top!"

Arwen's eyes narrowed. Even Celebrinlas shivered. "I am not done with you," she said, her voice quiet but the menace in it very clear. The Sue whipped around again.

"I can do whatever the [censored for your innocence] I want, alright?"

"No, you cannot."

"I can, and I will. Especially if it means I get to [actions involving Aragorn that have been censored for your mental protection]. So why don't you just jump off a [censored so your ears do not bleed] cliff and—"

Suddenly the breath was knocked from the Sue's lungs and she could not finish her sentence. For sticking out from the middle of her copious bosom was the tip of a now bloodied blade. The owner of the sword swiftly withdrew it with a sickening noise and Skylah Picasso d'Frick fell lifeless to the ground before the shriek of her owner came on the wind and the body melted away.

In amazement, the Resistance Elves looked up at the killer of the Sue.

"_Boromir?_" they all cried in unison.

At that moment the sky darkened and the sound of tittering faeries suddenly stopped. The pink flowers growing everywhere began to wither as if exposed to sudden heat. All was silent.

And then they knew that something was happening.

OoO

What had happened, of course, was that Argileth and Èowyn had run off with Melodiel's ring at that moment.

Now they were also quietly trying to get all of Melodiel's 'Special' Fanclub members out of her chambers and away from her influence.

It was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Every single one of them—Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Èomer (Aragorn was already outside) and a few random 'hott' Elves—had been hungrily hanging about the door of Melodiel's huge bathing chamber and seemed to have some sort of separation anxiety; for when the two young women had tried to get them out they all began, unaccountably, to angst about whatever random things had happened to them in the past, and say that Melodiel was their saviour, their rescuer.

"And their shared mistress," muttered Èowyn in disgust. Argileth sighed.

"What do we do now?" she asked, amid the sounds of wailing and angst-filled speeches.

Èowyn did not answer. Instead, she placed two fingers in her mouth and let out an ear-piercing whistle. Despite the Spell of Bottomless Suedom placed upon them, all of the 'Special' Fanclub members, startled, began racing for the door. Argileth glanced at Èowyn bemusedly but the latter was busy herding them down the hall like cattle. The _elleth_ shrugged and jogged down the corridor to catch up with them.

Outside, as it turned out, the others were already there, with Aragorn, Elrond and—Boromir?

At the sight of so many young men (Elves, Men and Hobbits inclusive) with glazed-over expressions trooping vaguely toward them, none of the Resistance were able to contain their looks of horror and pity. Out of all of the people in Rivendell, these were the ones who had suffered the most at the hands of Melodiel, even though they were quite unaware of the fact.

The spell, however, was beginning to wear off, thanks to the efforts of Èowyn and Argileth, and amongst the Fanclub were murmurs of confusion in the ranks.

Elenir walked up to his best friend. "Argileth? Do you have it?"

Argileth held aloft the ring in triumph. "Aye, that I do—and I could not have done it without the help of Èowyn Èomundsdaughter of Rohan."

All eyes now turned towards the young Mortal woman with long blonde hair, who all of a sudden felt rather shy in the presence of so many of the Fair Folk. But the shyness was short-lived, for suddenly there was a voice coming from the Fanclub.

"Èowyn? Is that you?"

The shieldmaiden whipped around. "Èomer!" she gasped, and ran to him, sobbing hysterically. He held her tightly and spoke quietly and reassuringly in Rohirric. Her brother had not been long under the Spell, so he was the first to wake from it, and relatively unscathed (which would explain why Èowyn was the one in need of reassurance rather than himself).

Celebrinlas walked up to her husband, in whose blue eyes was only confusion.

"Legolas, it's me," she said gently.

He stared at her, completely uncomprehending.

"Celebrinlas, your wife. Remember?"

Legolas frowned. There was something familiar about this _elleth_. . .something in the way she looked up at him in entreaty. . .there was a flicker of recognition in his eyes that Celebrinlas missed because she slapped him hard across the face.

_That_ woke him up.

"What in the name of Elbereth was that for?" he snapped, his hand going up to his reddening cheek. His angry gaze fell upon Celebrinlas and his eyes softened. "Celebrinlas—what are you doing here?"

"I am rescuing you—unless you wish to remain in the clutches of that vile creature up there." She waved her hand with a look of disgust in the direction of Elrond's house, which was currently still occupied by 'that vile creature'.

His face drained of colour as the memories of all the things he had been doing for the past few months suddenly flooded back with unwelcome clarity.

"No, I do not," he declared emphatically. "There is something else I would much rather do." With that he bent down and kissed her, leaving her unable to protest the impropriety of his Sue-induced behaviour for some time.

Argileth could not suppress a smile. She had not been particularly tolerant of Legolas' rather arrogant attitude and never once guessed that he had a wife. . .well, if there was any doubt left in Erestor's mind as to whether Celebrinlas had been telling the truth, it should have been gone by now!

Absentmindedly, she fiddled around with the ring. The material it was made out of was completely foreign to her, being light and smooth (and far too pink for her liking) with sparkles embedded in it. In its centre was a pink diamond of immense size. Judging by how light and brittle the pink band felt, it was a wonder that the diamond had not broken it yet.

Without even thinking she slipped the ring onto her finger.

* * *

Got a comment? A few words is all it takes! :)

**(And especially as the next chapter, for once, is already written and might be posted in a few days...*runs*)**


	14. Judgement

Another chapter dedicated to my online friend Xaja Silversheen! *hugs*

_Replies to anonymous reviewers_

**Aivee Rose**: I've read some Suefics where entire songs are written out—it nearly does turn into a musical! And yes, now that Melodiel's ring is no longer in her possession, things are definitely going to change. Thank you for the review. :)

OoO

Araloth stared at her computer in abject horror. Not because of the Aragorn-themed desktop—in fact, she quite liked looking at Aragorn—but because something had just gone terribly, terribly wrong.

"Bloody Norton backup," she muttered angrily. Having forgotten to renew her subscription two days ago, the program now refused to work. A very unfortunately-timed virus had hit the computer and she had managed to get rid of it, but not before it destroyed half her fanfiction-related documents. Just when she actually needed the backup documents, she couldn't get them. All because she forgot to renew the damn subscription.

She groaned and buried her head in her hands. "And there goes all of my plot outline," she thought, massaging her temples. It was all she could do not to get up and start yelling and jumping around as if she had stepped on hot coals.

"Xaja!" she wailed miserably, lifting her voice heavenward as if to beg some boon from the gods of the internet.

Xaja Silversheen popped up in a cloud of dust, glanced at Ara (who in this dishevelled, sleep-deprived state did not look too good) and raised an eyebrow. "What's up?"

"Word has failed us. . .my fanfic is ended. . ." groaned Ara, her voice slightly muffled from where she had her head resting in the crook of her elbow. She had not even noticed that she had just misquoted Return of the King. "I can't even remember what I'm up to because the internet's down and I can't get to my story to see where I am and—and—"

"Calm down, Ara! Panicking won't help." Xaja pulled Ara's memory stick out of nowhere and handed it to her. Ara gasped.

"My—my USB stick! I thought it was lost! Where did you find it?"

"In the fridge. Along with your car keys and an old boot."

Ara leapt up and hugged Xaja, nearly crushing her in the process. "Thank you thank you thank you!" Letting her go she began jumping around ecstatically, shouting random incoherencies and waving her memory stick around.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" bellowed Ara, plonking herself down in her computer chair and nearly sending it rolling across the floorboards. Opening up the removable disk file she heaved a sigh of relief. There on the screen were all of her lost documents, completely unaffected by either viruses or alternatively anti-virus software.

"Thank Ilúvatar," she breathed. "And thank _you_, Xaja."

"No worries," said Xaja with a grin and disappeared. Ara, now left by herself, sat back in her chair and tried to remember where she was before.

"Ah yes. . .Concerning Balrogs."

She paused for a moment. "No. . .that's not it. It must've been—I have it! Ha!"

And with that she rapidly set to work.

* * *

**Back in Middle-Earth**

Argileth had barely noticed that the ring was on her finger when suddenly everyone looked at her, wide-eyed and unblinking. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see Melodiel or some other Sue standing there, but there was nothing there. Turning back to the others, she saw that same look still plastered on their faces.

"Whut?1?" she said, then slapped her hand over her mouth. What was happening to her voice?

"Good Lords of the West," murmured Glorfindel, still watching her in horror.

"What have you done to yourself?" gasped Legolas, speaking directly to Argileth for the first time in months.

It was only then that Argileth realised why they were all staring at her.

Her long, dark hair was unbraided and cascaded down her back in gentle waves, which complimented her shining, slightly teary eyes. Gone were her boots, leggings, tunic and jerkin—instead they were replaced by a flowing blue dress that sparkled like the light of a thousand stars reflected in clear waters. Surrounding her were various birds and butterflies, flittering here and there, and strains of music could be heard floating through the Valley.

Argileth held up her hand in front of her face. Her attempt to say something was phrased as, "Oooh, lookies—I has the ring on!"

Incoherent as it was, it got the point across to the flabbergasted Elves and Mortals who were standing before her wondering what possessed her to put the accursed thing on her finger in the first place.

She wiggled her fingers so that the ring sparkled in the sunlight that had burst once again through the clouds. A bird landed on her arm and began to twitter some tune that none of them recognised.

"Get thee off!" snapped Argileth, shaking it off, then giggled. She was horrified with herself. Giggling was something reserved for children and Sues—but not an adult Elf! Granted, she was a _young _adult, little more than a teenager in the reckoning of the Elves, but still.

"Well," said Erestor suddenly. "If I ever had any doubts as to what The Urple One used to enchant all of Imladris, they are fully removed."

"Indeed," said Aragorn, whose arm Arwen was clutching tightly. He noticed that Frodo, Merry and Pippin were still staring off into the distance with vague expressions. A few of the Elves were also still in a state of Sue-dread. "Wait a moment!" he exclaimed, turning to Argileth again. "Is it possible for you to perform, er, magic with the ring?"

Legolas shot Aragorn a puzzled look. "What for? What does it matter? We wish to be rid of any traces of Suedom, not continue it!"

"Oh, Legolas, be quiet!" Celebrinlas smacked her husband in the arm. "No, I can see what Aragorn is thinking—if it is possible for the Sue to be able to place spells of enchantment on others—"

"Then it is also possible for Argileth to undo them."

"Yes, precisely. Argileth, is it within your power to release these good people from the Spell of Bottomless Suedom?"

Argileth frowned for a moment. Her thoughts seemed to be working slower than usual, almost as if she were swimming through mud, and it took her a moment or two to respond. "Presumablyeth. Yeah, I can try!11 Liek, I love spellz! And magick is always sooooo much fun!"

"Would you please take care to lower your voice, Argileth!" cried Lord Elrond suddenly. Everyone turned in surprise to see a fully-recovered Elf-lord standing there with his dark eyebrows drawn together.

The _elleth_ blinked at him in surprise. "Okay, okay, Mr Grumpy-Pants!" she exclaimed, much to the amusement of all present, except for Lord Elrond. Arwen's eyes widened.

"Adar!" She suddenly let go of Aragorn's arm and ran towards her father. Elrond smiled widely and caught his only daughter in his arms.

"Thank Eru Ilúvatar," she murmured, her voice muffled by Elrond's shoulder. "Are you alright?" He put her down.

"Aye, thankfully—but what has happened to Argileth?"

Arwen let go and turned around. The _elleth_ in question was still wiggling her fingers and appearing to be admiring the effect the sunlight had on the ring.

"Melodiel, your supposed niece, took over Imladris using her own 'ring of power'," said Erestor flatly. "She has presently been relieved of it and—well, Argileth has it."

The whole group glanced in the direction of the elleth. She was randomly harmonising with a bird in a song she had never heard before but somehow knew the lyrics to anyway.

Lord Elrond sighed.

"Argileth? Were you not about to release these poor Elves and Hobbits from the Sue's enchantment?"

Her head snapped up. "Oh, yeah! Sorry!"

She herself was inwardly cringing from the words that spontaneously seemed to translate themselves to Sueish whenever she tried to speak.

After a short moment's pause she stretched forth one arm, pointing towards a place in the Valley where a narrow path wound its way down. "Let there be a lighthouse!"

"A what?" exclaimed the others.

And sure enough, far away and in the middle of the trail a lighthouse appeared without warning, flashing its bright beam across Rivendell. Argileth clapped her hands and jumped up and down.

"Oooh, it works, it works!" she giggled excitedly. Immediately she turned to the Hobbits and those of the Elves (whose names are unknown simply because Tolkien never mentioned their existence in the first place) who were still under the spell. "I release ye all!" she cried.

A blinding light radiated around her figure with sparkles flying everywhere and an outburst of uplifting, inspirational music ensued. The light extended itself in beams towards the Hobbits and the random Elves, who were all throwing up their hands to shield their eyes from the light.

Suddenly it all stopped. Argileth blinked. "Didst—er, did it work?" she asked, trying to restrain the Dodgy!Shakespeare talk as much as possible. Three confused Hobbits, all sharing identical looks of puzzlement, looked up at her.

"What—what just happened?" murmured Frodo, his hand holding his head.

"I released you!" exclaimed Argileth cheerfully, beaming at the others. Glorfindel tilted his head.

"You know, you do not make a bad Sue," he mused.

"And I have to admit," added Elenir, "that you do look quite beautiful, Argileth."

Argileth giggled. "Tee hee. . .why thank you, good sir—oh, this is ridiculous!" she cried, her voice going back to normal as she took the ring off.

The sound of a door creaking open echoed across the courtyard and Samwise Gamgee stumbled out, holding two plates of low-fat biscuits and looking as exhausted and strained as Argileth. When his tired gaze fell upon Frodo, however, he dropped the plates and bounded towards him exuberantly, his weariness momentarily forgotten in the joy of having his poor master restored to him.

"Mister Frodo!" he cried, embracing the other Hobbit joyfully, and Merry and Pippin suddenly joining in.

As touching as it was to observe this display of Hobbit affection, Lord Elrond suppressed a smile and began a more serious speech.

"You have been summoned here, by chance as it were, to answer the threat of Suedom. As of now, her powers and her hold on Imladris are weakening. There is only one solution. The Other Ring to Rule the Rest of Them must be destroyed."

Frodo's brow furrowed. "But. . .how? Surely our Quest will not involve having to take _two_ rings to Mount Doom!"

Lord Elrond nodded, his face grave. "I am afraid so."

"No."

The firm voice of Boromir interrupted before Elrond could go any further. Argileth had completely forgotten about him! Where had he been all this time? Was he restored to life by some grace of the Valar?

"How else is the Sue's ring to be destroyed?" she asked, puzzled.

"Well, this is where I can help," he answered.

OoO

And now, my readers may be wondering what was happening to dear Melodiel.

Well, perhaps not, because all we want, really, is her messy, tortured death. And her guts for garters, perhaps, for those of us who harbour even more sadistic tendencies.

However, I will relate it anyway, just for our amusement.

It took quite a while for it to register in her thick skull, but eventually Melodiel began to be puzzled by the lack of noise coming from the immense bedroom where her Fanclub members were usually kept. At first she dismissed it from her mind, thinking that they were all eagerly awaiting the moment she would come forth from her bathing chamber and invite them all in for one of her spa parties. But the growing feeling of uneasiness could not be suppressed. It was puzzling. Nothing ever went wrong for Melodiel. Why was she having the feeling that something terribly wrong was happening to upset the balance of things?

Taking up a bathrobe she opened the door a fraction and peeked through the crack, her heart pounding rapidly.

There was no one there.

She flung open the door and frantically looked for any signs of her Fanclub, running around the room crazily when she discovered that they had all indeed simply disappeared.

Running to the wardrobe she flung on a dress and ran to the mirror to fix her hair. Fixing one's hair and admiring one's own sexiness was, in her experience, highly cathartic. Not, of course, that she used the word 'cathartic' to describe self-adulation. And not that she knew what either of those words meant, anyway. She plonked herself down into the chair and looked into the clear, perfectly clean glass.

What she saw staring back at her nearly made her scream.

Her long hair was greasy, tangled at the ends, and overall looked as if it had not seen Sunsilk for the last two weeks. Her 'modest' chest looked like it was nearly popping out of the low neck of her dress in a way that looked ridiculous and quite honestly revolting. As if that wasn't bad enough, there was a red spot on her face that was swiftly developing into—was that a—a pimple?

"No," she whispered, breaking into a sweat. "No. . ."

It had all spread over her face in an angry display of teenage acne. That was not supposed to happen.

The fingers of her right hand strayed to her left, where she discovered to her dismay that her ring was gone.

"Oh my gods. . ."

Of course. She had given it to Argileth and that other chick. Èomer's sister.

Melodiel bit her lip so hard that it drew blood. Her own servant maiden had betrayed her. Why had she not seen it coming before?

Angrily she tore down the halls, not noticing that the infestation of pink butterflies and flowers were slowly receding, and that the dark sky held the promise of rain.

It would have been the first time that it had rained for a good long time.

OoO

"Are you sure?"

Boromir sighed in answer to Argileth's question. "Yes—for as I have explained, Námo Lord of Mandos told me himself that the ring was made of an easily destroyable substance."

Master Elrond nodded. "_Plastic_ is what he called it, did he not?"

"Aye. It was the message I was to carry back—that there is no need to look for any mountains of fire to destroy the ring and the Sue with it."

"So," said Erestor slowly, "you are saying that for the Sue's ring to be destroyed, it needs only to be thrown into a fire?"

"Indeed, though Mandos did warn me that it would give off some highly unpleasant-smelling fumes."

"Gladly will I suffer fumes if only to be rid of this Sue!" cried Argileth in frustration. Her best friend laid a hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

"It is nearly over, Argileth."

"Thank you, Elenir," she murmured, glad that she had friends. Obviously she had not been the only one to suffer through this ordeal but for a long time she believed herself the only one outside of the influence of Melodiel and had to do everything for herself. And she was tired, so tired! The thought of a soft mattress and many hours of sleep was beginning to sound very appealing to her. . .

"There is a fell voice on the air," exclaimed Legolas suddenly, just as Argileth put the ring into the pocket of her tunic. A silence fell upon the courtyard as the sound of running footsteps could be heard on the cobblestones in quick succession. _Clip, clip, clip, clop_. It was a sound that they were all heartily sick of and about ready to silence forever if they could. _Clip, clip, clop_.

Melodiel had barely rounded the corner when about four Elves pounced on her—Erestor, Glorfindel, Elenir and Legolas—and her squeal of delight at being jumped on by so many _totally hott guys_ turned into a scream of terror as they made short work of binding her hands behind her back with rope.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked as Erestor and Glorfindel stood sternly on either side of her, looking every bit the Elf-lords they were, holding back her wildly twitching limbs lest she break free of the Elvish rope. There was little enough chance of that, but it was always worth making sure.

The entire courtyard by now was filled almost to overflowing with Elves from all over the Valley, now released from their spells of Suedom and angrily shouting abuse in a decidedly un-Elvenly way at the rather dishevelled Sue in their midst.

Turning around, the Elf-lords led the wildly shrieking Melodiel into the Hall of Fire, with the rest of Rivendell's inhabitants following noisily and crowding into anywhere they could stand. The fire was lit and blazed away, with loud crackles from the dry wood.

Lord Elrond held up his hand for silence, and respectfully the Elves quietened down.

"Rivendell has faced many evils before, but never one as insidious as this Sue."

Melodiel struggled amid the shouts of the Elven throng. "I am not a Sue!" she snarled, forgetting her terrible Shakespeare in the moment. But at the Sue's declaration Legolas' eyes widened and he would have staggered backwards in shock had his wife not been with him.

"You!" he gasped. "I met you in the future!"

As silly as the statement sounded, the characters were all used to time shifts thanks to the work of various fanfiction authors. The Sue paled.

"No, thou haven't!"

"Yes, I have. You are Sue Marie—a Sue in denial."

It all suddenly fell into place. Argileth remembered that time—so long ago, it seemed—when Lord Elrond had told her of the great danger (apart from the One Ring, of course) that threatened Rivendell. A Sue who had already been expelled from Middle-Earth had returned by the will of her creator and mercilessly held innocent Hobbits and noble Elves and Men in thraldom.

Well, that would explain her terrible powers—and why it had been so hard to get rid of the damned creature.

"You returned to Middle-Earth," said Legolas, his voice quivering with rage as he pointed an accusing finger at her, "in order to attempt another seduction on me, and on other innocents. You are _despicable_. A revolting, selfish Mary Sue."

"I'm_ not_ a Sue! I'm not Sue Marie! I'm—"

"A pain in the neck at this moment," snapped Lord Elrond, his temper getting the better of him for the time being. He took a deep breath and then continued calmly. "Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Theatrica Shakespearianna Parodee—you are hereby charged with the following crimes before the Court of Rivendell."

"Whateth? But the Courteth of Rivendell doth not existeth!"

"Well," answered Argileth, crossing her arms over her chest, "to be precise, neither should you."

Elrond cleared his throat. "First and foremost, you are charged with being a Sue and an abomination in the sight of the Valar."

"I'm not a—"

"Be silent!" commanded Erestor crossly. "Unless you have something useful to contribute—which is highly doubtful, given that you are a detestable Sue—then hold your tongue!"

Elrond then took the silence as his cue to continue. "You are also charged with making use of the Urple Arts in order to cast enchantment over the Valley and in general over Middle-Earth. Your other crimes include the following: Falsely professing to be a member of my family—"

"But I ameth a member of thine familyeth! I'm your belovedeth niece, verily!"

"False imprisonment—"

"But the prisoners were worthless! They needed to be imprisoned! I—"

"Owning what amounts to be nothing more than a harem and indulging in perverted acts—"

"It was a Fanclubbeth, not a harem!"

"Corrupting the innocent—"

"If thou hadst seen them in the bedroom thou wouldst not have thought they were innocent!"

(There was a gasp of horror amongst all present, especially the Elves. The Hobbits who had been part of the 'Fanclub' blanched.)

"Obstructing justice by delaying the Quest—"

"But _I'm_ moreth importanteth than any Quest, fie and forsooth!"

"Causing bigamous marriage—"

"Aye, so she did!" spat Celebrinlas at this, her eyes flashing with fury and disgust as she looked at the snivelling wreck of a Sue before her, and drew a little closer to her husband.

"Unlawful usurpment of leadership—"

"They wantedeth me to becomest the Queeneth!"

"Establishing a regime which should not have existed—"

"And causing a great deal of trouble thereby," added Argileth, ignoring the evil glare the Sue shot her.

"Manifold violations of canon, including imposed out-of-character behaviour, owning a fourth Silmaril, ability to return to life and lastly—your very existence!"

Melodiel turned to Argileth angrily and spat a terrible curse. "Perforce be thy glook!"

Ignoring the nonsensical words, the _elleth_ reached inside the pocket of her tunic, her heart beating rapidly with the mounting anticipation, and produced the Other Ring to Rule the Rest of Them. The Sue gasped and tried to free her hands.

"Give it back, you _bitch_!"

"No," Argileth answered simply. "You have been allowed to exist with impunity long enough. You have caused pain and misery of the acutest kind to all of Imladris, taking what is not yours and being egotistical enough to impose your will on others. Do you not see that everything about you is thoroughly and utterly revolting? It must stop."

"Give me my Ring!"

"Your ability to somehow return to life after every attempt to do away with you has been exasperating, infuriating and simply ridiculous. It will be ended shortly with the ring's demise—and yours. No, I am afraid it is _you_ who are the bitch."

Argileth held the accursed object aloft. "Let this be a sign to everyone of the destruction of a mighty evil. Melodiel Melodramatica JuliusCaesareth Shakespearianna Parodee, better known as Sue Marie, your immortality and Powers of Suedom have come to an end."

With these words she flung it into the fireplace, where it almost instantly melted, sending out an odour which was far from pleasant-smelling but which no one minded because the reign of terror was about to come to an end. Finally.

There was a roar outside and everyone looked in alarm towards the windows.

Outside was a huge creature of shadow and flame. Argileth grinned happily. Sauron had been true to his word.

It was Jacques-Robert.

Elrond once again cleared his throat and spoke in his clear, musical voice. "The penalty for these criminal acts against all of Ennor—that is, Middle-Earth—is to be decided." Of course, there was no real need for time to be taken to make a decision. In voices which rumbled in the earth and shook the stone walls of the building, everyone cried in unison:

"Death!"

"No!" screamed Melodiel.

"Death by Balrog, for convenience' sake!" ordered Elrond.

Melodiel was quite literally dragged out, screaming and cursing such obscenities that half of those present covered their ears.

Argileth did not see the death of the Sue. Neither did anyone else—there was a piercing shriek and then complete silence fell. There was a flash of light and the Balrog was heard and seen no more by any in Rivendell except, later, for the Fellowship. The Nazgul, with all their blingage, vanished. Èomer and Èowyn barely had the chance to say a word when they too disappeared, presumably back to Rohan and the Golden Hall of Meduseld. Argileth was a little saddened that she had not the chance to thank the shieldmaiden for her help. There was a crack of thunder and she ran outside, looking about her in wonder.

Clouds scudded over the sky and there was a slight but refreshing breeze that blew her dark hair back. No random outbursts of song, no pink flowers, no rainbows, no mythical creatures, no sun for that matter. . .it was so relieving.

A sudden cheer was sent up, thunderous applause and shouts of glee echoing throughout the Valley, a euphoric moment that was never again seen in Rivendell until the One Ring was destroyed.

And outside in the courtyard, Argileth felt the first drop of rain as it fell from a dark grey sky.

* * *

_A/N_: Gasp! It's all over!

Well, not quite—there is still an epilogue to go, and which will with any luck be up by next week.

If you have the time, please click that little button down there and say a few words! It won't go unappreciated. :)


	15. Epilogue: A Long Expected Party

**Epilogue: A Long-Expected Party**

"Truly, you do not have to do this, Celebrinlas. I would not blame you at all if you chose differently."

Celebrinlas shook her head. "No—she is not to be blamed for the sins of her mother. I know that Lord Elrond would take good care of her, but—" Her hand trailed down to her stomach and she looked at the ground. "I would prefer it if our child had an older sister. . ."

Legolas was taken aback. "Our—our child? You mean—"

Celebrinlas grinned widely. Her husband gave a shout of joy and Celebrinlas leapt into his arms, where she was spun around in the air, shrieking and laughing.

Little Anarildë-Ainulindalenna, the daughter of Legolas and Melodiel, was renamed, from that day forth, _Anaril_, and Celebrinlas adopted her as her own daughter. She grew up into a normal Elf-maiden with a cheery personality and the same blonde hair as her father Legolas. Anaril's little half-brother Nenion was born many months later and was learning to crawl when his proud father returned from the War of the Ring. They then moved to Ithilien and settled there, where they could be near their good friend King Elessar and all his family.

Anaril later had some of her own encounters with Sues, for the battle against Suedom was not yet over—but that is another story.

The adventures of the Fellowship of the Ring are known to all, and will not be elaborated upon here.

But let it be said that the feasting and revelry in Rivendell lasted for nearly two weeks after the destruction of Melodiel and her ring. Old tales were revived every night in the Hall of Fire, and until the Ring was thrown into the fiery abyss of Orodruin the Fellowship knew no happier time.

All that was left of Melodiel, or Sue Marie if you will, were a few charred bones which the Balrog's digestive system had obviously objected to. Some of the Elves took them and carved them into rather odd-looking wind chimes which were hung up in various strange places, where they served the purpose of warning others of the fate of Mary Sues, and especially ones who committed numerous disgusting crimes.

As the shadows cast by the setting sun lengthened slowly across the Valley, Argileth stood outside upon a balcony with her dark hair unbound. It would make an ending indeed worthy of song, if after Melodiel's demise no Sues ever came to trouble Middle-Earth again. But Argileth knew very well that there would always be a Sue to trouble them in the Hither Lands, though hopefully there would be less as time went on. Right now, however, she was content just to watch the skies clearing and the sunlight catching on the droplets of water hanging from the leaves.

At the sound of footsteps crunching somewhere behind her, she turned her head to see who it was. A smile curled her lips when her gaze fell upon the familiar figure of her best friend.

"How do you fare, Elenir?"

"Tolerably well, considering everything," answered the young _ellon_, coming up to stand beside her. "And what have _you_ to say for yourself on this whole episode?

Argileth pushed a strand of hair that blew into her face out of the way. "Well, I cannot say that it was particularly _pleasant_, but it was very. . .interesting."

"Do you ever think that the world will be rid of Mary Sues?"

"No, I do not," she sighed. "It would be infinitely more pleasant to suppose that one day they would stop plaguing Ennor, but it is too much to hope for."

"There is always hope," answered Elenir, leaning onto the rails. His hand accidentally brushed against Argileth's and both quickly jerked away at the sudden contact. A few awkward moments of silence followed, which the _elleth_ was determined to break, though her heart was beating rapidly.

"So—you are determined to be an optimist?" she asked.

"No, just hopeful. When it comes to Mary Sues, being an optimist has its dangers, for one can be easily and suddenly disappointed."

"Why? Because they steadfastly refuse to die even when you think you have killed them?"

Elenir chuckled. "My dear, sarcastic friend. I must admit, however, that it was quite amusing to see _you_ suddenly become a Sue."

Argileth rolled her eyes, at which Elenir laughed. "I do not wish to ever have that experience again," she grumbled. "At least everything is back to normal now."

A sudden flash of light that did not come from the sun moved across the Valley. Argileth grinned and pointed to the lighthouse that was still standing in a rather precarious position in the middle of a narrow path (and whose light source was completely unknown). "Well, almost normal," she laughed. "I wonder why that is still there."

"Did you enjoy having Melodiel's powers for a time?" asked Elenir curiously.

"Well. . .I cannot deny that it was quite fascinating—but honestly, all the dreadful things I said and did in that state! I even _looked_ like a Sue. . ."

She suddenly paused for a moment and bit her lip. There was a question that she had wanted to ask Elenir, but—it was rather embarrassing. Perhaps she should just keep silent on the subject.

"Argileth? Is something the matter?" Elenir's voice held a note of concern.

"No—no, it is perfectly alright," said Argileth hastily, looking away. If she said what was on her mind, it would certainly come across as very Sueish. And despite her Sueish ancestry (and her recent experience as a Sue), she was certainly not about to become one over something as trifling as _this_. "It is just that—I don't know. . ."

Elenir moved closer and laid a reassuring hand upon her arm. "You can always tell me anything, Argileth. You know that."

She was silent for a moment, but reassured by Elenir's promise, she said quietly: "When I was a Sue, you—you said that I looked beautiful. . ."

"And I meant every word," he answered. Argileth gave him a wobbly smile in response, nervously noting that they were standing much closer than they had been before—

"Argileth!"

The two sprang apart very quickly and turned in the direction of Erestor, who had a slightly amused expression on his face. Trying not to blush, Argileth said rather snappily, "Yes?"

"Lord Elrond wishes to know why you have a Sue-object in your possession. Namely this." Erestor held up the little pink phone, which was looking a little battered from Argileth's various escapades. She gasped.

"Give that back!"

Erestor ignored her. "He also wishes to know why there are fifteen missed calls from Sauron—"

He was interrupted by Argileth's suddenly snatching it off him. "I had completely forgotten about it! Oh, he will kill me when he discovers that I forged a temporary alliance between Rivendell and Mordor!"

"In that case, you have not long to live."

"Oh, shut up!" she said rudely, hastening back indoors to find Lord Elrond and appease his wrath before things could get too far out of control. The master of Imladris did not usually shout at people, but when she came to his office she was left in no doubts as to the extent of his anger as he bellowed,

"Argileth, there is_ much_ that requires your explanation!"

He was standing up and his eyes were flashing. At the sight she swallowed nervously.

This would take quite some time.

_**The End**_

* * *

**A/N:** And that concludes the craziness that is Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sicker!

Looking back over this story, I can see just how much my writing has improved since I began writing it a year ago. At some point I might go back and edit the first few chapters, depending on how much time I have.

Many thanks go to all of you readers, and especially to those who have reviewed and thus contributed to making this story better, either through plot ideas, constructive criticism, or simply through expressing thoughts. I appreciate it so much. Keep the reviews coming!

This was a lot of fun to write and I hope that you have all enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

_Navaer_ and happy writing! :)

~ Araloth the Random


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